Are You as Dishonest as I am?

Are You as Dishonest as I am? by Katie Jay, MSW, CTA-certified Wellness Coach Director, National Association for Weight Loss Surgery www.nawls.com

When I put together my talk on character traits that predict success, I had myself convinced that I am an honest person. Granted, I am more honest than some. I do try.

At a conference this past weekend, I met a woman whom I found to be delightful. The truth is she is dynamic, interesting, attractive, funny, expressive, and intelligent.

Yet, she must have said something critical about herself at least fifty times over the course of the weekend.

I was amazed at the stark difference between how I viewed her, versus how she viewed herself. In fact, I was so amazed I mentioned it to my husband and then later to my therapist.

My husband grinned smugly as I told him my feelings about the woman I had met. When I was done he said, "Sounds like you!"

My therapist managed to restrain herself while I told this story, and then blurted out, "That's you!"

I'm not telling anyone else about this other woman.

I have the best job in the world. When I first decided to write my book I wanted to share my story with others, so that they would know you can sink down very low and still recover. My book is brutally honest.

When I started traveling and speaking to groups, I wanted to show people that someone who once sat in the bushes drinking in despair with a street person, and who later sat trapped in wheelchair at Disney -- too huge to get out of it without great pain and effort -- could overcome tremendous burdens and experience satisfaction and joy in life.

And if I could do it, so could you. 

But my observations about myself are still dishonest. The shame has not left me, even though I have pushed past my fear in amazing ways.

When I saw the pictures from the conference I told my husband I looked huge! I was mortified. When I told my therapist about my conference experience, I expressed insecurities and critical, insensitive observations about myself.

I don't know how to be honest about myself to myself. My lens is so distorted, I don't know what's real.

Somehow I feel like I am getting ready to peel away another layer of the onion, as they say. I am getting to a new level of honesty with myself. I am realizing I need to have more empathy for myself. I need to be kinder to myself.

I am realizing how inaccurately I view myself. And I realize that my difficulty in seeing myself more honestly is harming me, holding me back, and robbing me of my joy.

I hope by sharing this with you, you will be encouraged on your own journey to self honesty -- and I don't mean honest about your faults, I mean honest about your gifts, your talents, and your preciousness.

If only I could view myself with as much love and acceptance as I viewed that woman at the conference.

I have my work cut out for me -- but I am, as always, determined to overcome.

Your assignment:

As a starting point to better self honesty, interview a trusted person in your life about what traits they admire in you. Write down what they say and refer to it often. Turn it into affirmations. Get it into your psyche!

Ok....this is me to a "T".  The person that I see is so very different from the person that others see that I'm sure it is VERY annoying to them.  But, it is hard to be honest with myself...... A dear friend and I chatted this weekend about what we deserve.  While we know that we deserve the best from others, why do we not deserve the best from ourselves?  People compliment us and we tell them that they are wrong.  People tell us how we look and we immediately point out every one of our flaws to them.  Why is that?  Is it to avoid looking arrogant?  Is it that we really do not feel worthy?  WHAT THE HECK IS IT!!!!???? I think that this is a good assignment to work on for this week.......I think I will take it a step further - once I have those traits written down, I will post them on the fridge and on the mirror as a constant reminder.

HOLY CRAP! I know that's not quite the appropriate verbage for a replay but its my first instincts. I had a CRAPPY am/pm yesterday and I wake up to THIS????? Oh yeah I needed this like a swift kick in the bootie! Admittedly I've got work to do on myself (who doesn't) but I can say I've been incredibly harsh on myself lately and this is one of the BEST assignments I'm willing to tackle in a long time.

Wow....thanks for sharing this today Jill. I think a lot of us struggle with this...I know I do. It's hard to find the balance between self-loathing and overly confident....great assignment from Katie.

Well allow me to slide down this self-inflicted pit a bit myself.  I have recvently had yet another week of the flu so its has been two solid weeks of no workouts and getting motivated to crank up again is really mental.  I find myself fighting as to why inflict the tiredness and achy feet, the time committment to get it done daily.  I know the benefits but it all seems a little self centered at times to look my best and feel my best and then have the experts (like at Ashburn) completely undercut the long term goals of what I've been trying to accomplish and preach to others.  When they have their credentials, and I only have the scar, it makes it hard to sound credible to others.  I want and plan to get back on the road with my jogging and get ready for my half in Nov but I gotta admit, my motivation is waining.  With graduations, birthdays, Mothers Day, just stuff and its always something that can take precendence on time for self be it exercise or personal enlightment (reading, relaxation etc.), its easy to lean back into putting other stuff as a priority over self,...but that, like poor eating habits are what got me obese in the first place.  I guess my own town hall meeting is in session.  Where is adjournment on the agenda??

I, for one, KNOW I'm gorgeous...ya'll keep telling me so, so I must be, right?  Coming from an entertainer background, I guess I learned a long time ago how to accept a compliment without feeling the need to either justify it or knock it down.  When you're not accustomed to being complimented & your self esteem has been in the crapper, I can see how one would be inclined to make less of the compliment.  Gosh, I really hope I'm not coming off sounding like some superficial snob...it's just that for the most part I AM comfortable in my own skin.  Maybe because I haven't had to struggle with my weight all my life like many of you have, that I never developed that kind of self doubt.  But I can empathize why some of you would do just what that lady described.  Not to say that I haven't had my "I feel ugly!" days...we all do.  If you recall in a post a few weeks ago I said I that I am startled to discover how I REALLY look, appearance-wise, because when I look in the mirror I don't see a fat lady...I just see me.  I get jerked back to reality now & then, particularly when I see myself in photos, but actually what really grabs my attention is how old I look.  Mentally I FEEL like I did when I was in my 20s & 30s...so who's that 53 yr old broad looking back at me...the one with the crows feet, drooping eye lids, & what's that waddle looking thing under my chin??  I keep wishing I had long hair so I could french braid it really really tight to get that non-surgical face lift!  The whole trick to this thing, my friends, is to learn to LOVE YOURSELF.  That's why I made a big deal about not using the word "only."  How many of you still say "...but I've only lost 15/20/30 lbs!"  In this case, "only" is very negative energy.  You have to own your accomplishments & learn to compliment yourself first.  Then, when others compliment you, maybe you won't be so quick to squa**** down because hey, you've heard that before...from YOU.  Some you have expressed a certain amount of anger when people compliment you now that you've lost weight when they wouldn't give you the time of day before.  Your anger IS justified, but it's wasted negative energy.  Sadly, we have to just accept that there are mean, stupid people out there that just don't "get it."  Instead, smile at them sweetly & just say "thank you."  YOU know they were jerks, but don't give them that kind of power over you to incite anger.  Negative energy, my darlings...you don't have time for negative energy.  I love you all & I think you're ALL GORGEOUS...just like ME!!!