Am I crashing? I need help pls!

I agree with the others that the first order of business is probably a visit to your doctor.  If you are struggling with depression, it's a chemical imbalance that can easily be adjusted, and you'll be amazed at the difference in your life.  When I was going through chemo, the hormonal depression was awful - I asked for some meds and they put me on Zoloft, and within a week of starting it, I suddenly realized I felt MUCH cheerier - almost a little giddy.  And yes, definitely, if there's a WLS support group, get involved.  It's going to make a huge difference when you realize you are NOT ALONE in your struggles with emotional eating!!   And you'll hear from others who have been there and found ways to combat those triggers.  (One person I know said she started reminding herself that the moment's pleasure she got from snacking was not really happiness, and the days of guilt and shame and anxiety were an awful payment.)   One last thing - I want to tell you I'm really impressed by the courage you've shown with this post.  As a pre-op, I really appreciate hearing from people who are having a little harder time.  I want to have a REALISTIC expectation for this surgery, and if all I see here are people who AREN'T having problems, I'm really not getting the truth.  The surgery isn't a cure for all the "wrong" reasons we eat, and if we go in expecting that it's going to solve all our problems, we're not going to be prepared for it when things get tough - and I bet they do get tough for nearly everyone at some point.  So I want to thank you for having the courage to tell us what you're going through.  I think everyone here is giving you really good advice about seeing your doctor and going to support groups, so we're all going to gain something from this.  Will you stick around and keep us posted on how you're doing?  I have no doubt you're going to get back on track, and be surprised how easy it is once you recognize the triggers and have a plan for redirecting those urges. 

Sorry, one more thing.  Recently I got impetigo, a very contagious staph infection on my face.  I hated it!  Got on an oral antibiotic and a topical one.  Didn't find out until I was on the oral anitbiotic for 3 days that that particular med. affects the metabolism of most of my psych. meds.  So it was like me missing 6 full doses of psych meds in a row.  i was a basketcase!  I was suicidal.  Called crisis intervention line and only one counselor working and she was on the other line helping someone else.  Called back 20 min. later and got this 24 hr. cr. interv. line's voicemail.  I was thinking "WHAT??!!!!  IS THIS REALLY POSSIBLE??!"  Made it alive thru that night.  Both my therapist and psychiatrist worked me into their schedule the following day bec i was doing so poorly and suicidal.  They BOTH worked me in for the EXACT SAME TIME!!  I was thinking, "WHAT??!!!  IS THIS REALLY POSSIBLE??!!"  I was at the end of my rope and I had to make a decision if I shud see my psych or therapist, and THEN i was charged for BOTH appts. and of course cud only make one of them!!  bec i had been so sick that week, i didn't notice that my son ran out of one of his psych meds and therefore his behavior became practically intolerable.  I also realized i cudn't depend on my husband as a back up for taking care of my son.  Bec of the lack of my psych meds, and reactions to the oral antibiotic, I was walking around crying, i wud walk and suddenly whimper and cry, i wud twitch, my leg wud swing out, and my arm, i was rolling all over in my bed, banging on stuff, hanging upside down from laying in my bed.  I was not even in control of my own body for about a week, and i was still crying.  And my son was crying and throwing tantrums, and me too.  My son and i were pathetically laying on the bed next to each other sobbing.  My husband doesn't know how to handle this and says, "What's wrong with y'all?!  I just want to get the f--- out of here!"  So my son and I continue to cry at that statement.  my husband slams the pantry door shut.  My son thought he left us and kept saying, "Daddy's angry and left!" as he continues to cry.  And I'm sobbing holding my son saying, "it's okay, babie.  Daddy's just angry right now,  It's okay."  And i continue to cry, too.  Oh yeh, and my therapist was going to be out for 3 days for the Easter weekend, and though rare, he was not going to be available even for emergencies.  That was happening at this same time, too.  AND also, my psych and his nurse were going to be out the whole week after Easter, which is when ALLLLL of this happened.  Oh yeh, and that same week that i was so sick with everything, oh, including the antibiiotic giving me a rash and upsetting my stomach, i didn't realize for a little while that i was constipated, then i got hemorhoids, and then my period started, and i was having chills and sweats, but no fever.  I could NOT believe that all of this was possible to go on at the same time!! I then realized at a NEW LEVEL that I cud absolutely count on NO ONE for sure on earth.  Then i once again remembered God.  My belief in God is the only reason I'm alive right now.  The hardest hit was seeing that my husband cudn't handle very well me and my son if i got mentally ill, etc. again.  That was one of my new realizations.  I felt like I hit rock bottom.  Though GOOD that i remembered God again, it felt like i hit bottom and that i can't totally rely on anyone in this world, just bec that's the way things are.  We are human.  It felt like another SLAP IN THE FACE!!!  I cudn't believe all those cir****tances failed me!!!  So that was another life changing event recently that i'm still trying to deal with my feelings about it!

One thing you are absolutely amazing at....well...just look...look at what you wrote! You have an incredible..not sure talent is the word I am looking for...but you are able to describe soooo very well everything that is going on in your life. I know the word....self-realization!! You are totally aware that things are not or were not right...but you know what it is that is stressing you...and you are totally aware that you want to change the way that you feel. That is amazing in itself. It has taken me 3 full years of therapy now to come to any kind of self realization...to actually know what troubles me. You have done well in getting that out. Now you need to do something about the things in your life that you feel are not right. You had WLS for a reason...don't worry about the skin right now..girl I got skin in places I never thought I had skin..lol...but I am going to scrape and have PS done in as many areas as I can someday. I don't like how I look but that's ok...for now. That is something I can slowly work towards and achieve in a couple of years. Work with your counselor on stress management. It sounds like the stress of your everyday life at times can get overwhelming? Is that correct in saying that? And also...just LOOK at what you wrote and everything you have been through!!! And look how dam strong you are for going through all of that!! You have been caretaker to your son AND your husband and now he is back to work and that situation has changed....your son has given you less to work on because he is now doing things on his on so of course you are thinking to yourself "now what"? So you need to create personal goals for yourself. Work on you now. :-) Get in to see the doc..have them check your levels on your meds..make sure you are in range..if not alter the dose per doc's orders. Make a point to try to get a little exercise in every day...that in itself makes a lot of people feel better. It helps release endorphins when we exercise and that is a natural way to feel better. Sit back and think that it wasn't just your husband in that wreck..it was you too...it took your world as you knew it...and it changed things. Then things changed again...so you have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions & lots of things going on in your life. Everything is going to be fine....it just sounds like right now things are settling down...you are reflecting on the whole picture, and maybe it is almost like thinking oh gosh what is next...like your body and mind has been in high stress mode for the last few months and that is what you are used to...and now things have calmed down it is a different and confusing feeling. Did that make any sense? Sometimes I don't make sense...I try though. So anyway instead of waiting for the next boulder to hit...because it probably wont....now is the time for you to start taking charge of your life, body and feelings. And that in itself can be scary too. So just start off with baby steps. Do something nice for YOU at least once a day. Take time out to do something YOU like or love. It can be anything..and start from there...it could be exercise..it could be a hobby..it could be a bubble bath...or lay down with a good book...a walk..anything :-) Sending lots of positive thoughts, vibes and prayers your way. And more hugssssssss Sherri

Oh darling, you sound to me like you are clinically depressed.  This is a mental illness, not a matter of self control or something to be ashamed of.  The candy is just a form of self-medication.  It is just like some people will take drugs or alcohol to try and feel better but essentially they really make you feel worse in the long term.

I work in mental health policy and I believe you should try and get some professional help.  Unfortunately, I don't know the American health system so I can't advise you where you should go for help but I would start with your local doctor.  Tell them you are depressed and how you feel.  Don't say "I'm depressed because I have started eating again" I think you are eating because you are depressed - not the other way around.  Ask for medical advice on treatment options and consider whether medication, therapy and/or support groups are right for you. 

A very good Australian website on depression is: http://www.beyondblue.org.au

I am really sorry you are feeling this way because you have the right to feel valued and valuable.  Please seek help and don't blame yourself

Lois

Opps, just read the rest of your posts and realised that my advice is out of date ---- despite that though if you have reentered depression and you aren't getting the treatment you need then it is time for an adjustment.  If you doctor doesn't help - consider getting a second opinion.

Also - you seem to be looking for a purpose.  Perhaps you could think about what you might like to get involved in. e.g. a community group, charity, local theatre, sport, craft, perhaps homeing pigeons even and consider joining something like that

Cheers

Lois

Hey, something in your posts reminds me of something I am going through. The last appointment I had with my pyschologist, I mentioned that now I am acutely aware of how often I ate because I was bored. I am extremely bored; and didn't know just how much because I "shoved" or "numbed" it with food. Now I can't use the food and plop--it's right in my face to deal with. She told me that it is very common for women, and especially stay-at-home mommies, to lose their sense of identity and purpose because they seem to fill everyone else's needs but their own. My homework this week---start dreaming. What values do I want, what would I want to be said about me at my eulogy, what things brought me enjoyment and sense of fulfillment in the past, what dreams did I use to have? Next, we're going to talk about what is feasible and what is not, and make plans so that I can have sense of fulfillment apart from the family (or should I say in addition to the family). And to not feel guilty about it; after all, a happy, at peace with me mommy will be a much better mommy to two busy little ones.

So ((((Hugs)))), stay talking with your dr.; buy a notebook / journal and start dreaming! Do you best to get back to food rules: protein firs****er drinking, vitamin taking, exercise. And know that we are here for you!

  Thanks you all.  Y'all have been just wonderfully supportive of me.  Don't know what I'd do w/o y'all.  I appreciate each and every response!!!  Just an update on me:  Still have a lot of anxiety.  I see my therapist tmw and then today I've added a second appt. this week with him for Wed.  for extra help and support.  Have not called my psych. yet.  Really want a more deeper relationship with my husband of 13 yrs.  Talked to him about that today and we're going to try to work on that and I will also work in therapy on that.  Decided to weigh-in today.  It's been maybe a month or two or so since I had weighed in.  Believe it or not, I only gained THREE pounds although it feels like 20 lbs.  I also contacted the new (to me) dietician at my doc's office about going over the post-op diet again.  Made an appt. with the P.A. for Friday, but not sure if I will keep it or not.  when i can get a sitter, i will go back to support group.  Found out the dietician has a group sometimes, too and I plan to go there if at all possible.  Tried to stick with protein and water/Crystal Light today and I've done pretty good.  It's a difficult mind game!  Again, thanks to EVERYONE for ur support!  Y'all did great!!!  :)  I'm still going back and re-reading and considering what everyone has said.  I'm hanging in there!  Thanks u guys!