OT: would you date a man who's 40 lbs overweight?

Just another thing to consider .... my husband didn't care how I LOOKED with the extra weight. It was my health that bothered him.  I was always feeling like crap.  I'm not sure if this is an issue with suzi or not .. I know the snoring so early in a relationship might have been the deal killer for me !  Of course, when I first met my husband i thought the jumping in his sleep thing was "cute" and i could somehow sleep through the snoring.  . .. now, at 50, I need my SLEEP !!! 

No flaming from me. I think it all comes down to something is missing. If the chemistry was there, you would see through the weight. 40 lbs over weight isn't all that much, but if you had "the" feelings for him, you would look past that. Everyone has their own tastes. I don't think it's just the weight that is stopping you. If that was the case, I don't think you would have ever gone out with him to begin with. Usually as time goes on, you can look past certain things, if everything else is right. For me, if I'm not attracted to someone, I probably wouldn't date them to begin with. Attraction to everyone is different. Some are attracted to their hair, weight, eyes, skin color, who knows. It's all what you are attracted to. I think he didn't turn you off in the very start, so it has to be something else going on. It is probably best to set him free, so you both will be free to find the person that is right for you. In high school, I had a best friend that I wouldn't go out with for a very long time (he wanted more than friendship). One day, I guess I just saw through what was stopping me and saw a very attractive guy there. He had qualities of course to begin with,but there was one thing I couldn't see past at first (he had acne, and at the time, I just saw that, and didn't see the attraction). Over time, I saw what a great guy he was, and started to look past that. We dated for about a year, and are now friends on line pretty much. Either way, I don't regret dating him, and I'm glad that I saw past the minor hang up I had, because I had a good relationship out of it. My point to my personal life, (LOL) is my feelings grew stronger with him as I got to know him. It seems your feelings are moving in the opposite direction as you get to know your guy. That tells me he just might not be right for you. It doesn't make you wrong or a bad person. You have to live with the decisions you make regarding YOUR love life. Nobody here can say you're wrong for not feeling it. I was 74 lbs over weight when I started this journey. I ended up losing 97, but honestly, I don't think I would be attracted to someone who was 74 lbs over weight. Of course, I really don't think I would have been attracted to myself at that weight if I were a guy. My husband knew me from high school, before I gained the weight, and I guess he already knew what sort of person I was, because he still chose to date me, even though I was heavier. Then unfortunately, I put on more weight (till I got to 74 lbs over weight), but he continued to love me. Of course, I think he finds me way more attractive now, but I don't think he loves me anymore than he did before. Sorry so long, I just don't want you feeling bad about not having strong feelings for your guy. It's your life, and you should really not make a choice that isn't right for you. It would just end badly. Hugs!

Hi Suzi,

When I weighed 340 lbs, I still liked physically fit men with just a tad of meat. I also like tall guys and prefer this to short men. Now that I am 166 lbs and a size 10. I still like the same body type. So I guess what I am saying is that this shouldnt be an issue if you are dating him already. I would have thought you would have addressed this before.

I always wondered if men that lust for me now would have ever looked at me at 340lbs. The answer is probably not but they have the right to want someone who has a certain body type that they are attracted to and I dont have a right to judge them because they wouldnt have been interested in me before. If the weight thing is really an issue, compassion or not, end it now. If its really not the weight and some other issue that needs to be addressed, if you are questioning now, it may just get worse.

Babs

Thanks Babs,

You are radiant in your new Avatar; i'll take your post under advisement.

Tks,

Suzi

I'm late to this thread and have only read the first page.  I see so many advising that you can always change him.  Never, ever, get involved with someone with the intention of changing them.  They are what they are.

Also, people keep advising to help him to diet and to get him to go to the gym.  Be honest here folks.  How many of you followed that advice when others tried it on you?

HE has to be motivated as we all found out here.  It is up to the individual and you have to be ready.

It is not that I am beating you up.......... I would tell a man the same thing. Its wrong to judge a person by the outside. Would you rather have a man that beats you but has a nice body??? You need to talk to him about all that you have gone through, maybe you guys could work out together. Not just totally dismiss him because he is 40lbs overweight. If you guys are talking about getting serious, probably means you guys will be going out and you will be cooking for him. He will probably lose a few pounds just from that. If he treats you nice, respects you, and loves you...the heck with 40 pounds. If you guys have sex enough he will lose that in no time. LOL

Dani

No worries, Dani....

I do not feel beat up and have reread everyone's responses a few times now.  This post definately brought out people's relies and opinions of which I'm grateful.  Actually, he invited me for a bar b q dinner at his place on Saturday....since you mentioned cooking together.  I'll have to decide what I'm going to do.  Thanks, Suzi

Suzi Q, although I do agree it is what is on the inside that counts, I also feel that if the inside is not enough to make you overlook the outside flaws then it is not fair to be with that person. I do not think you are being shallow, just honest like you said. I have never been a hater that guys didn't want to date me because of my fat. I got it. Although we fall in love with a person for who they are, it is either their personality or their looks that first attracts us to them and most of the time it is the looks. I say give it a little time to see if his personality can outweigh the physical side of things. Good luck with that!!

Thanks for taking the time to reply Teresa J.,

I like your comment and have been kind of thinking of what you suggest......you're a smart chikkie

I say give it a little time to see if his personality can outweigh the physical side of things.