Now I'm Just Waiting

My paperwork was submitted to Anthem BCBS about 2 weeks ago and I just finished my last clinical requirement (cardiac clearance).  It was a stress test and I ended up in a room with two nurses and a technician waiting for the treadmill.  The women (all very heavy BTW) were asking me about having surgery - bypass or lapband?  I said "gastric sleeve" and they looked at me dumbfounded.  "You mean bypass, right?"  "No, gastric sleeve - they just make your stomach smaller, they don't reroute your intestines."  One nurse said "they actually take part of your stomach out?" and another said "insurance pays for this?"  I was surprised and felt kind of good to be educating health care professionals.  They had lots of questions and wished me luck.  According to the insurance coordinator, Anthem is backed up and it will probably take another week or two to get approval.  

I have felt strangely calm over the past few weeks.  First, I found out that the pain I've been feeling is my hiatal hernia, and not my heart ("You do know where your heart is?" ask the cardiologist).  Second, I have come to some sort of peace about taking this step for myself and letting myself off the hook for not being able to do it on my own again.  Third, I realized we have short-term disability insurance through work that would be able to cover part of my salary when my sick time runs out (we only get 5 days a year).  I was willing to take time off without pay, but it is a great feeling to realize I don't have to.

I guess I've finally accepted that it's my own negative thoughts about surgery that I am imagining will be felt by other people.  There is so much shame around compulsive overeating and obesity, and I feeling like I wear my neurosis on the outside for everybody in the world to see.  And that I have lived 51 years being able to eat anything I wanted in any quantity and this has only brought me unhappiness and unhealth.  I want to be able to eat abstinently without the overwhelming hunger, and have chance to live the rest of my life in a smaller body.  I don't have to be thin - I don't even want to be - but I would be so thrilled to be a normal sized person.  Thanks for being there!

Yay good luck, hopefully you will get your response soon! What a great realization you have come to, I think it is the same for a lot of us. I too, have struggled with the "what am I DOING, why AM i doing this" I think we all are/will go through the "this is too drastic I can do this myself" phase, but in all honeslty if WE COULD have done it on our own we WOULD have done it already. No one likes to live like this, overweight, depressed, in pain, scared of our own shadows, worried about living. I live each day afraid that I won't be there for my 7 month old son. I waited years to conceive him, and now that I have him,...I cant really enjoy him. I ache, and am in pain constantly. He was my deciding factor, he gives me strength every day to jump through these hurdles and be a success for both his sake, and Mine! God bless you, and a safe and swift vsg journey.

Thank you so much!  I hope I can stay peaceful.

I believe you will! Believe in yourself too! You have a great outlook, so just remember that. I KNOW easier said than done. With my son I knew I had to have a classical c-section a week b4 I had him  due to babies position and me having placenta previa. Now I had NEVER had any surgery before and I was scared poopless! lol But I believed all would be well, and I just focused on the outcome and reason for the surgery. I researched the heck out of the surgery/healing and was rather wll informed. When I walked into the OR room a week later.. the nurses were stunned at how peacful and calm I was! So keep your beliefs in your heart and you will find that keeping your peace is possible!