I cannot punish my way into being a normal eater...

Oh, Lee!  I just had to respond.  I have boundless gratitude to OA.  I wish "they" knew how to incorporate surgery better into their world view, because it taught me (almost) everything I know about my eating.  I had to write because I, too, had been abstinent from sugar for 9 years - from 26-35.  Then my mother died and I did this really weird thing I used to do about eating sugar when I'm angry.  I mean, if I had a fight with my girlfriend, my first thought was "I'll show you, I'll eat these Oreos."  Anyway, that was my opening salvo in my cosmic death-of-my-mother anger, followed by quitting meetings, because this was somehow an indication of how useless OA was.

I "woke up" 9 years later, 110 pounds heavier.  I honestly thought at first I could just eat the stuff for a few weeks and stop.  What a horrible nightmare.  I would do it for a few weeks, then I'd be back in it again.  I took phentremine.  I got a personal trainer.  I did everything except go back to OA because I had decided I didn't believe in that stupid "disease model" of food addiction.  I was investigating RNY, couldn't go through with it (all those re-routing reasons) and went back to OA, first online, because even if it *wasn't* true, maybe it could help me get off the sugar.

It did, I lost 60 pounds, but after another 6 years I realized I wasn't going to be able to make it back to the 180s without more help.  I had such hunger on 1400 calories a day.  It was daily, even after months of clean eating.  I was off the sugar, but I could not keep the calories low enough to keep the hunger at bay, then would give in, go to the Chinese buffet and say "screw it" for a few months because, how do you weigh-measure-record at the Chinese buffet?  I gained about 40 pounds back and knew where I was headed.  Anyway, I was completely sold on the science of this surgery, and well, you know the rest.

Thank you for being here.  I get so much from reading about your journey.  I am so grateful for all of you "vets" that give back.  And grateful whenever I find folks who understand that 12-step part of me - I can't turn it off.

 Happy, while I have not been to a 12 step meeting in 5 years, that is where I learned about living on a food plan. I learned about how to be honest, whether I chose to or not.  I think it made it so much easier to follow the stages of eating, post op.

Some of my life long friendships were made in those rooms.  I am grateful for what I learned and to this day use the steps as a roadmap to life.

It really is amazing how powerful a drug sugar is.  I've always said, line up the booze, drgs and chocolate.  I know which one I'd pick every time.  The other two categories hold absolutely no appeal for me.

XoX

"It is better to follow my food plan imperfectly for 8-1/2 months than to have done it great for 3, then stop weighing-measuring-recording because I felt so guilty that I couldn't do it "right." "

THIS!  This exactly.

My biggest struggle during this process has been regulating my black/white, good/bad, worthy/worthless, pride/shame thinking. 

I always appreciate your posts, because I, too, feel like the head issues are far bigger than the physical/calorie issues most of us face.