I know nothing, ie my own slippery slope

I've had pretty good success this far, but I'm so early out and I do get that.  I've been really gung ho about the whole thing.  My doctor is proud, my husband is proud, my friends are amazed, yadda yadda yadda.  It's a wonderful feeling.  It isn't, however, enough.  I have my demons.  Don't we all?  I needed comfort yesterday, a pat on the back for just being me and I just wasn't enough.  I ate around my sleeve for the majority of the day.  I did it willfully while battling nausea most of the day.  I'm back on track today, but I'm filled with this shame and guilt.  Yes, any other time before surgery it would have been a weeks long off the wagon with the wagon running me over repeatedly, but I think I know enough that it won't always be this easy to just come back from it.  I obviously need to be able to find my own worth, my own comfort in something other than bad food choices which just make me feel ashamed and guilty.  I'm trying to fix some of this by not putting my head in the sand, admitting the problem, owning it. It's more the mindset, the continued bad choices, doing it and getting absolutely no satisfaction so I just kept on doing it.  I don't know where to go from here.  The only thing I'm certain of is that it is a slippery slope for me, and I really, truly know nothing.  There's a small part of me that is scared I won't get to goal, but the biggest part of me is terrified about what will happen when I do. Most of the time I feel empowered, confident, strong both before and after surgery, but that part of me that feels worthless, that very small part of me that has been there forever can be so tremendously loud some days.  Some times it's all just a bit too overwhelming.  I want to be better.  I need to be better.  I'm so scared that maybe I'm just not capable of being better.  So, here's my stream of consciousness, dose of honesty for Monday.  Thanks for reading.

:) I've been there too. Don't beat yourself up over it. I did that and the OH members were right, it got me nowhere but feeling worse. When that part of you feels worthless, find something, other than food, that brings you out of it. I like to keep a pair of pants that are too small in my closet. Each week, I try them on to see how close I'm getting. You are becoming better. We are a constant work in progress. We never truly finish. We just keep chugging along.

*Major Payne voice*

You wanna hear the story bout the little engine that could again??? lol

You actually made me laugh out loud.  Thank you.  And thanks for the reminder.  We are all works in progress. 

Hang in there!  Don't beat yourself up, I think we probably all have demons.  I can relate to everything you have written.

Thanks

Raven, thanks for your post. I totally get it, especially the part where you wrote "There's a small part of me that is scared I won't get to goal, but the biggest part of me is terrified about what will happen when I do." Self sabotage? I am afraid I won't reach goal and I don't know what in the world I will have to deal with if I do reach goal, so let me just make sure I fail so I don't have to deal with it. Fear is one of our worst enemies. Maybe we can re-frame these thoughts to say we will do everything we can to reach goal because there are some amazing possibilities waiting for us. There may be some unknowns, but they are all new adventures that we are looking forward to. You notice I am talking to myself here too. You are doing so well and you have what it takes to do this for life. Keep up the good fight.

We'll keep fighting that good fight together.  Strength in numbers, yes?  :)  I've been at my goal weight in relatively recent years, for a year before my wedding.  The only time I've ever been a healthy weight in my adult life.  I don't think I realized until today, how terrified I am of being back there and just losing it.  Again.  Self sabotage, yes, most likely.  I love the idea of reframing the thoughts because there are amazing possibilities ahead.  The biggest one is being a positive role model for my daughter.  Thank you

Please keep posting...I can totally relate to everything you said and I know I will be going through the same types of thoughts and emotions on my journey.  Your honesty and self-study is what will help you through this!

I sure hope so!  Thank you

Must have been a rough day yesterday for us October sleevers so I totally know what you are saying.  My loss has been a little slower than some and I too wonder if I will make goal and even if I don't - if I will be able to keep from regaining what I have lost.  No doubt about it - easy to get into old habits and once that can of worms is opened  - hard to get the lid back on.  

I want to be better.  I need to be better.  I'm so scared that maybe I'm just not capable of being better. 

This part - really struck me - I'm 61 - still feel this way.  A little frightening at this point.

Keep us posted on how you are doing - hopefully we can all support each other in this journey.

Paula