Yesterday - NSV sort of

Yesterday was awful.  My hubs and I had a huge blowout, which I guess had been coming for awhile.  It was over stupid stuff, but what brought it out were real issues that we need to work harder on.  Background - we hardly ever fight.  We're usually two peas in a pod, but this blowout was EPIC.  I'm not a screamer, but he is and it just got really ugly.  He apologized and actually told me some of the things that were bothering him (huge communication win), and it prompted a much harder discussion which I was not prepared to have.  I'd been going along on autopilot for awhile because things have been improving, but there are areas in our marriage that we both need to work on.  In hindsight today, I think that's actually positive.  If we didn't have work to do, if we didn't care, our marriage wouldn't be as strong as it is. 

Now the actual on topic portion - I was a mess yesterday.  I don't deal well with people screaming at me.  I kind of shut down and hide so I don't do or say anything too cruel.  With this, though, usually comes the eating of my feelings.  Stuffing myself with sugar to help the pain, resentment, anger go away.  And it would have been so easy.  My weight is in a stall.  I've been in a stall.  Wouldn't it be OK to eat some sugary, carby yummies for comfort?  Does it even matter when apparently the scale is against me (not actually true, but that was my headspace)?  Don't I deserve it?  Doesn't sugar make me nicer (no, it doesn't BTW)? 

Instead, I dragged myself to kickboxing.  I almost had a panic attack there when we had to partner up bc I don't know anyone, and that social anxiety/stress was almost too much to endure as silly as that sounds.  I had tears in my eyes, and I was walking to go grab my stuff when this cute girl asked if I needed a partner.  She had the most fun hair, was super encouraging when we were doing kidney punches & kicks.  Although I have to say the workout did not make me feel better, I didn't feel worse and at least I got my workout in.  So basically, I just went through my day on autopilot.  I leaned on the patterns I've established the last 9 months - I drank my gallon of water, I ate all my protein even though I didn't want to eat anything but cupcakes and chocolate, I took my vitamins, got my workout in, and tried not to fall back into the old patterns.  I'm calling it a victory.  To not eat my feelings, to be able to actually rely on the new patterns I've set to keep in check, to not allow the frustration of a stall let me act like a sugar crazed lunatic, and to wake up this morning feeling better and stronger bc of yesterday instead of defeated.  It's a small thing, but it's really big for me.

You can count this as huge tally mark for you in the WIN column!   If your auto-pilot is to eat right, drink all your water and do your workout then that is a monumental testament to all the great behavioral changes you've made.  It's not such a big deal that you were thinking about eating crap...it's what you DID that counts!!

I'm so impressed - healthy living has become a habit for you and - even though it was a struggle - you chose the high road. 

WAY TO GO! 

Thanks so much!  It is pretty big for me.  I'm working on feeling proud of myself instead of beating myself down.  It's hard after so much time of perfectionism, but it's so necessary to just let go and trust myself to make the right decisions.  It's much less exhausting :)

I don't think that's a small thing at all!  I think it's HUGE!!!  Every time you can avoid the old habit of turning to food for comfort makes the next time that much easier.  And you learn that the day after you feel so much better about how you handled the situation.  What you did is exactly what I am working with my therapist to learn to do.  So far I have been doing great, too, and I pat myself on the back every time I use my tools and don't eat as a response to my emotions.

So here's a BIG pat on the back to you.  You so deserve it!!!!

Jane

Thank you for the pat on the back :)  I needed that. 

NSV sort of???? NSV ROCK STAR! WTG. That's huge! I'm proud of you for about 100 things in your post. Seriously you had a major breakthrough yesterday. Woo hoo!

Aww thanks!  You guys are making me feel really great today.  :)

Sounds like a HUGE WIN to me. I'm sorry about the fight with the husband and the crap day. Hugs to you.

Me too.  I hate fighting with anyone, but I especially hate it with him.  He's my best friend and my home, so it just feels so wrong.  I'm still learning that fighting is necessary some times, and he's still learning that yelling at me is not the correct tactic.  Everything is a learning experience, right?  Haha, life lessons.  Thank you

I understand what you mean. I'm very non-confrontational, and fighting with my boyfriend is the worst feeling. But yes, arguing at least is necessary. I figure my relationship is one of the most important "things" (for lack of a better term) to me, so it is worth fighting for.