1 year post-op appointment - I can do this, right?

Today was my 1 year post op appointment with my surgeon.  I've been going every six weeks for nearly the past year.  The appointments have been a source of motivation and inspiration for me because my surgeon is always so proud and I don't want to disappoint him.  Frankly, I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially myself.  While there he told me that I could expect to gain back 4-5 pounds, that that was normal, and there wasn't much I could do.  While listening to this, I continued shaking my head at him and told him, "No, doc, that's not going to happen.  I like this weight.  I will stay this weight.  I might put on some muscle, but that will be replacing fat.  I'm not adding fat."  He laughed because we had this same conversation about getting to 100% EWL, and I was adamant that I would get there.  And I did.  I'm at 105% EWL, and I've been maintaining that for about 2.5 months.

Now that I'm a year out, the six week appointments will stop.  I don't see him again for six months.  I was completely unprepared for my reaction even though I knew it was coming.  I told him, "You realize you're setting me free into the wild.  This might not be the best idea."  I was overcome with anxiety, and I had to do some deep breathing so I didn't have a panic attack in his office.  Even the very kind receptionist told me we could book an appointment at 3 months if I thought I needed it, or I could call and come in any time.  I think there were tears in my eyes.  I have a lot of confidence and probably even more bravado, so I think everyone was caught off guard by my reaction.  I cried on the phone with my husband in the car.  I'm still fighting this panicked feeling.  So, I'm coming on here.  To my largest support group to tell you that I am scared.  I'm scared that I'm almost ready to call goal, I'm scared that I'm already a year out, I'm scared that I won't see my surgeon for 6 months, I'm scared of me, of my past choices, and I'm scared of this war. 

BUT in the midst of all this overwhelming fear and anxiety, there is loud voice screaming at me that I am FINE.  I am OK.  I am CHANGED.  Not fixed because I don't believe that will ever happen, but I have new tools, new armor, new energy, determination, support, and on and on and on for this war.  And above all else, I am NOT ALONE.  Neither are you.  This war is so much less daunting when you have other soldiers beside you.  So thank you for reading this.  Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for your support, your honesty about your personal journeys, and thank you most of all for your empathy.  Just knowing that there are so many of us out there that have the same or similar struggles, that a cookie isn't just a cookie, that a pair of skinny jeans just isn't a pair of skinny jeans, that the new exercise class you went to isn't just an exercise class, all of it.  That every little NSV is a symbol.  A symbol of change, of our journeys, of how far we've come.  So, please send me some virtual hugs because I need them today.  I am FINE.  I am OK.  But I am quite scared right now.

Let me be the first to hug you! And tell you that scared is not a bad thing. It can be a good feeling. Channel your fear into action - to ward off those extra unwanted pounds and to maintain where you like to be and add muscle, replacing fat. You can do it. You are OK. You are more than OK, more than FINE. You are a rock star... honestly. OK, now can I give you another hug..? There... ah... now I feel better. Do you?

Thank you!  Yes, I do feel better.  I needed a hug so badly.  Just wi**** was in person :)  I adore you, my dear friend

The only thing that has changed is that you don't have to go see your doctor. He was not holding you accountable, you were holding yourself accountable. You lost the weight not him. Just keep doing what you've been doing.

You are a rock star!

That's weird, the previous post is mine.  Elina_7 but it is showing up as someone else.  OH is having issues today.

Now, they have me responding to Keith.  The post I am referring to is right under mine.  It starts with, "Hold my hand...

I had to read this three times to understand what was actually going on.  I was wondering who this incredibly eloquent RNYer was *****minded me so much of the beautiful, kind, wise Elina

"Hold my hand, and I will hold yours.  We will be stronger together.  We can do this; I know we can.  You are right, even though most patients gain about 10% back, you don't have to be one of them.  The weight is forever in your hands.  There is no magic "goal number", there is no magic "regain" number, only our choices on a daily basis and our determination.  You have this, and if you need a hug or a kick, just PM me or call me.  I can do the same thing your doctor can do only with more humor.  :)  Don't worry, you are not untethered, you are just given a little more rope, you can handle it now. "

I will NOT be one of them.  I am not a statistic.  I am a person, and this is the weight I want to be and will continue to be.  I'm willing to put the work in, I've never been afraid of working my ass of, this will NOT be any different.  Thank you for saying I'm not untethered.  That's exactly how I felt when he said six months.  I cannot wait to meet you on Friday.  I would not be where I am today without you.  I have no doubt I would have figured out a way to be successful in the short term, but that voice that is telling me I'm fine, she looks a lot like you in killer heels and sexy dress.  A lot of the normal confidence I have also comes from you, your posts, how you handle your maintenance like a science.  :)  You're always with me, holding my hand, giving me strength.  I will never be able to thank you enough.

I can't wait to see you too.  I am coming in on Thursday.  Give me a call when you get in.

PM me your number.  I don't have it :)  I'll have to resort to stalking you if I don't get it.  LOL

Thank you!  I so appreciate your no BS, forthright nature.  It has the amazing ability to make me feel both comforted and more confident :)

Girl!  You GOT THIS!  My one year is in like two weeks and I'm upset that I might not reach my goal by then but YOU are MY inspiration!  I know I can and will do this.

I know it's scary but you don't need the doctor to keep you motivated, you have your motivation already!  He'll always be there for you if you need him but you've got this, I know you do.  You're at 105% EWL!  That's INSANE.  Just step back and think about that for a minute...pure.insanity.  LOL 

I have 105% faith in you and we're all here for you too!  Keep rockin that sleeve!