PLEASE HELP!!

Here is the situation we have adopted my niece, she is now 4yrs. old, we are the only family she knows. However, she does see her birthparents as aunt and uncle. I feel she knows something or something has been said to her (by her actions) after being around them. Should we tell her now? Should we send her to a professional first, then tell her? How do we explain why she was adopted? I'm so confused and just want to do the right thing for her, I want to be honest with her-we was just planning on waiting a few more years, however with this change I feel we probably shouldn't wait, any advice would be appreciated. Also if you know of any books etc., to explain this to her it would help greatly.

We have an adopted daughter who is 4. We try to be honest with her and talk about her adoption at times so that its not a big surprise to her one day. I don't go into detail about her birth mom's situation just yet but I tell her that her sister was born in my tummy and she was born in my heart. I tell her that her birth mommy loved her so much and knew she would be happier and loved by us. If you talk to anyone who has been adopted, they want to know the truth. You just have to determine the level of detail depending on age. I hope this helps. If you have any doubts, talk to a social worker who handles adoptions. They should give you some good insight. Good luck.

Hello Connie! I totally agree with the last messenger (I forgot her name). I have many friends that are adopted and the ones that didn't know until later - because their parents "didn't think they were ready", suffered the most. They felt cheated and lied too. Some of my other friend new from like 3 or 4 yrs of age. I have a friend who's child is in a similar position with her birth son, who is adopted by her aunt. They explained everything from the beginning and he's now 13 and thriving. He can see for himself that his birth mother is not the best person for him. My husband and I have a different situation, we have 3 children together (girl-8, girl- 6, and boy-4) and then sdopted a 15 yr old about 5 years ago. He's now 20 and in college. Good Luck!

I always knew I was adopted. In fact my daddy used to call me his "blue eyed 'dopted daughter". It made me feel very special. We also had a book called "The Adopted Family". It was originally published in the 1950's but the message is still the same today. I've searched and bought the book off ebay for friends who were adopting. I'm not sure a professional is necessary. Just a warm and loving family discussion - use some of the great advice given to you here - and let her ask any questions she wants and answer honestly. Then, if you see that she needs professional counseling you can seek it. Right now she just needs to know that you love her and that her birth mommy loved her so much that she wanted her to be raised by parents who were able to care for her at the time. My mom always said that she was always supposed to be my mommy - God just had to use another ladies' tummy to grow me because hers was broken. Children are very understanding. But, I'd definitely say sooner rather than later is the best time to tell her. Hugs, Rona Everybody's Bari-Godmother

Connie, I agree with previous posters, I am not adopted, but i am in the process to foster/adopt with the county i live in. One of the requirements was to attend 12 weeks worth of classes on all different topics, and each speaker or social worker was under the impression that it is best for the children involved for you to be honest with them, at an AGE appropriate level. Make the words like adopted, birthmom etc...everyday language, and start as soon as you can. as for the request for books, i know of a company called Tapestry books which has a whole catalog dedicated to adoption issues. Many of the books are geared towards non-family adoptions, and dealing with issues such as interracial or out of country adoptions, but there are many books related to just explaining or introducing the topic to the young ones.. they do have a website of the same name at tapestry books dot com.. i hope it helps! good luck with everything.

My two daughters were adopted from China at under one year old. We started telling them both "their story" (as well as reading adoption-themed books) right away, figuring that although they couldn't understand the concept of adoption for quite some time, at least the words would not be unfamiliar. It also gave us some time to get comfortable with telling the story, and anticipating some of the questions that would come up as they got older. My older daughter, at 9, is very proud of being adopted (and of being Chinese-American!), and wrote about it at school several times this year (3rd grade). I agree with all the previous posters that you need to be honest with kids right from the start. Beth

Im in the same sorta situation Connie,I addopted my cousins little girl when she was 5 months old.When my cousin came over with her three other kids i didnt want to tell her that she had other brothers and sisters or who she was but i didnt want to be put as i was trying to hide them or anything and i told my little girl that the kids were her brothers and sisters and that the lady had her for me,cause i couldnt have any and its not that she didnt love her she just wanted me to have someone to love too.She was fine with that,and hasnt said anything else about it.I now take her brothers and sisters one by one ofcourse every summer.She doesnt want to be with her "real" mom or be with the other kids lol,cause they fight like brothers and sisters.My little girls just fine.I think if you make a big deal of it thats when the child thinks hmmm am i supposed to be mad or something about this.My little girl was 6 when i told her and i think its a good age even though i thought waiting til she was old would have been better i dont now.I want her to get to know her birthmom and her brothers and sisters.I dont want her to be the outkast from the other kids when they get older.Her sister was up from N.C., to spend a month of summer vacation with us and she just turned 6 and my little ones 7 turning 8.They were great..Hope you work it out .Takecare

Jamie Lee Curtis wrote a book called, Tell me again about the night I was born. It's a beautiful story about a couple who were waiting to adopt a baby. Consider reading it to her, then explain to her how bad you wanted to be a mommy--gather some pcitures of her birth parents and explain to her want a "birth" family is. We hope to finalize the adoption on our son in November--and I plan on tell him that I prayed for a long time for a baby and he is the answer to my prayers. Start introducing her to the term adoption--make it a special thing.

TELL HER! TELL HER NOW! TELL HER OFTEN! Be totaly truthful in what you say. She may not fully understand at first, but if you let her know that the adoption was made out of love, it won't matter. I was adopted and have known since ever i can remember. As i got older i had more and more questions but with honesty and an emphasis on the fact that the adoption was out of love and concerne for her, she will accept it. Do not ever say it was because she wasn't wanted,but if she asks make sure she knows that wasn't an issue. if you tell her the tottal truth it now it will make understanding a gradual learning thing and not be dropped on her causing shock of any sort which could result in bad feelings and acting out the confusion.

I have two adopted childen but both were adopted when they were a bit older. They have known from day one that they were adopted. My daughter was 2, my son 5.5. My son has never expressed any interest in knowing anything about his origins. I do not know to this day how much he remembers. He was extrememly anxious and worried from the time we picked him up until he set foot on American soil. We gathered that he was afraid we'd send him bac****il the big trip across the ocean. Then he settled down completely. (Both are from Siberia... a very long way away!). My daughter brings up the subject of her 'other mother' every once in a while. It used to upset me when she told me she worried about her. Now I take it in stride and tell her how brave her other mother must have been to give her up for a better life somewhere. They are now 10 & 14 and very well adjusted.