It's still the same me on the inside...

I've struggled with this for quite some time. This issue of not knowing how to feel normal, always wanting to be like everyone else...just normal. I mean for years I've had my own normal....and I was fine...I was happy. No, I was not happy at over 500lbs, but the ride up was enjoyable I always had friends growing up, I was in the high school band, I went to college when none of my neighborhood friends did, in college I did EVERYTHING (except go to class, LOL), I mean I excelled despite my size...I didn't let it hold me down and when it finally started to I did something about it. But at 502...I also realized that all my life I was missing out on things because of my size...I had adjusted to life differently, I had not had the same experiences. I don't know if everything was because of my size, my birth order or my socioeconomic status growing up, but I have always felt like I had to prove myself to others. I had to be SUPER FAT GIRL!!! I went to therapy years ago, at 502, for help with my weight and brought up some issues. Now I find myself, 214lbs lighter and still dealing with the same issues, yes, I've been in therapy again for the past year. At first the therapist was more concerned about me focusing on losing weight, but I kept saying I'm working on that...I'm so tired of talking about my weight at this point in my life. I want to lose more, I'm motivated to lose, I've just lost almost 50lbs since Jan because of my health. I guess I feel like once again I'm being overlooked, when I weighed 502lbs people didn't see the real me, they only saw the weight. Now I feel like no one see's me, they only see someone who should be happy proud of their accomplishments....stop complaining! Come on, we all know losing weight wasn't going to fix our lives, sure I am able to work now and do more activities, but I still feel left behind the pack, like I don't always stand up for myself, I don't have a boyfriend or any love interest for that matter. I'm not neccesarily the 502 me inside...I'm the just regular all my life SMO me inside, I'm 288 now...never been that before in my adult life....where do I learn to be a new me?...not that I don't like a lot of me...I'm just missing a dimesion. Sarah 502/462/288/A person I've never known

Sarah I must say I can identify with your post. I am not sure what to tell you about finding the "new you". For me I am not looking for the new me, I am looking inside and saying what have I wanted to do or be but felt like I could not before. For instance, when I have let people leave my life in the past, I just let them go. I have recently felt that I needed to let people know how I feel about them. I want them to know they are special to me. I was always wanting to be a vibrant person. I just felt that I had to be the fat girl and act like I was the fat girl. I am realizing that I have a voice and I can talk about what I feel is important. I think the new you is just an extention of the current you. I think in order to find that part of you that you feel is missing, you need to define what you want out of life. What things are important to you. Where would you like to be in your life? What things do you like? There is no easy way to find that part of you. I am not sure if I helped you in anyway, but I want you to know that you are not alone. Take care Erin

Hey Sarah, I can amagine the difference in your life is dramatic for sure. Thats alot of weight to lose. It is bound to make you open your eyes and question things. I myself always showed my weakness no matter where I went. My weakness was food and boy did it show. Everyone saw that for years. Sitting here today, no life is only what we make it. The weight is just a bonus for sure. But I can see where your coming from. When people ask me am I satisfied with my surgery, the first thing I say is oh yes. But then the saddest part is that I didnt have it years ago when I was younger and my kids were small. I wasnt mentally or finacially prepared for it.I have personally sat idled by and watched life pass me by. I see that you werent like that, and thats great. So you need to just search inside as they say and see what makes you happy. And I can understand that its like a part of your puzzle is missing. Well girl..... Its time to get out and find it. Nothing is stopping you now. You have always been a go getter from what your saying so get to it!! You have earned it!! Hugs Marge ( OMG, I SOUND LIKE DR. PHIL UGH!)

Oh Sarah - My heart goes out to you. You are such a beautiful girl. Your smile is warm and full of life. I am glad to hear you are going for therapy. If your therapist is not helping you deal with the new you who is coming out of the cocoon, then my suggestion would be to change therapists. I am scheduled for surgery on Dec 20, but I know that I need some specific therapy as to my addictive behaviors. So I am scheduled to meet with a food addiction therapist tomorrow. I hate to start with a new therapist, but I feel if I do not do some work on myself prior to surgery I will not be able to use the tool to its fullest potential. From what I have heard and read about other people who have had surgery especially those who have lost a lot of weight, once a significant amount of weight comes off and they can no longer hide behind the "old self" it is really difficult dealing with the new person they are beginning to see. You sounded depressed. You need to ask yourself if it is that time of the month, are you keeping up with all of your vitamins including your anti-depressant. Take it a day at a time. I will keep you in my prayers. Karen

LOL I just finished my time of the month. I am going through a lot of stress right now, dealing with rats in my apartment which means I'm having to move, I dislike my job more and more each day, however I work at university so all the students are about to come back and we are going to be moving in the midst of our busiest time. I have to work a second job because my first job doesn't pay me what I'm worth. I would be looking for anther job, but my revision got denied so I'm appealing that and need to stick with my insurance for now. I feel like it's time for a major change in my life but no sure which direction to take...stay in same location and make a major job change or stay in same profession and change location. Of course, I always have to keep insurance, good doctors, etc on my list of things I have to keep near by. Sarah ps I'm seeing my PCP tomorrow to get some bloodwork done, just had some done at the end of May but my hair is starting to come out, so I figure better get it checked again.

Hi Sarah, Being well over 500 lbs I know what you are saying. I have really had to adjust my life around my weight for so long and I am sometimes scared to think how I would adjust to being a more normal size. Thanks so much for bring this up! Lori

Hi Sarah: I feel the same feelings as you.............. My life has been flipped totally upside down in the the last 15 months. I would of NEVER of dreamed of any of this. I had gastric bypass on 5/23/05 I've lost 206 pounds and still losing....I was over 420 day of surgery My husband of 11 years, left me July 3rd, just packed up and moved out when I was at work................Didn't leave me 5 bucks in the bank. Hasn't made a house payment in 2 months........... I wear a size 16 pants and a 14/16 top My sister in law and MANY MANY MANY "friends" of mine.........well I thought they were.......are no longer speaking to me due to my weight loss. My SIL and I were very close for 10 years. I guess she is very jealous of my weight loss. I'm alone in all of this............No husband, No friends...... Within 2 weeks of my husband walking out on me I have met a wonderful man. My husband used to treat me like crap and make me feel like crap about myself. Now I feel beautiful and this man makes me feel this way. I never new this existed. NEVER. Even with all this skin. LOL. I met him online and we have talked many hours on the phone before I met him, so he knows alot about me and my situation (GBP) and the first night I met him and he took me out to dinner when we were leaving I was walking through the isle and people were hustling around and I "naturally" stepped asided. When we got outside he took my elbow and said to me, Carmella, you don't need to do that anymore, and I said do what and he told me what I had done. He pointed out to me that I'm not that "size" anymore and I could have walked right through there and fit fine. But in my head, there was no way I was going to. I didn't even realize that I had done that. I never thought I would be at this point in my life at 36 y.o. DATING. I'm in a new body that I'm scared as hell of. I'm very shy (physically) to be with another man. I've only been with 2 other men aside from my husband. This new life is very scary. I have men looking at me now, brushing my arms, calling me sweetie, and hun........ But ya know what..............I also am still that 420 plus pound girl I was 15 months ago and I'm not necessarily looking for a "new" me..........I'm excited to finally met the Carmella that I truly always wanted to be. I've never been "fake" with anyone. But being that size I've restrained myself on acting a certain way, saying certain things, doing things.....etc...... So I don't think that you are "looking for the new Sarah". I think you are finally ready to met the Sarah that you wanted to be. Don't rush anything. I have just been living day by day with my weight loss. My guy is taking me to Myrtle Beach next week for 8 days and I'm thrilled. Me in a bathing suit on the beach???? OMG. LOL I surlely am going to have something to write about!!!! Take care sweetie and keep your chin up, you have done a wonderful job!!!! I'm gonna tell you something too that used to make me cringe, but I truley mean it...YOU ARE ABSOUTLY BEAUTIFUL.........and I dont mean "in your face".......... Carmella