scared and angry!!!

try as i might, i cannot help it. ... i'm scared.!!! this is my fourth surgery this year. and i guess i figure my luck will only go so far. I'm angry because i've had to go thru so many different issues and good health was not 'magically' restored to me with wls. i'm also angry because my dh won't be with me for this surgery. HE HAS TO BE AT WORK.!!! not really. he's on jury duty and could have taken off but is not needed at jury duty so he's choosing to work so he has off the two weeks over xmas and new years. i'm not too happy about that either. and i told him that but it didn't matter. i also am letting ghosts of my past haunt me. when i had my rotator cuff done, my mother took one look at the 78 staples in my shoulder and said 'that's nothing, compared to the rectal surgery i've had.' so now, i have a rectal surgery coming at me and i'm scared sh&^less. because that shoulder surgery was the worst pain i've ever had in my life. if the surgery on monday is worse, i just wanna die. i know i already posted and asked for prayers, peeps. but right now, i just want to ask for some perspective. the surgery won't kill me. my dh still loves me even tho he won't be around monday. my pain will not be as bad as my mom's. the pain meds are much better. all i know is, i start yet another colon cleanse tomorrow , along with a liquid diet, and nothing at all before surgery on monday, and guess what --- i don't even know if i care enough anymore to do what they're telling me i have to do for the surgery. the string i'm hanging on by is thin. last time i was in for surgery i literally had to remind myself why i had even begun to try to improve my health. at this point, the struggle just seems so hard.!!! thanks for listening, peeps. i know i have to buck up and deal. i just had to let off some steam.. wish me luck.. monday afternoon is my last (hopefully) surgery for this year. and maybe for 07 as well. thanks again dorthe

Prayers and Hugs

thank you, marie. it helps, ya know, thinking about having people praying for you. i appreciate it. hugs dorthe

Oh girl, I feel so bad for you, but let's see if we can get this in the proper prospective. First of all, most of us prior to WLS have a lot of other health problems that we have either ignored because we didn't want to go to the doctor to hear "you need to loose weight" lecture again. Now don't get me wrong, we would have sought medical help for something major but the minor things we just tended to ignore as much as we could. Now you are in the process of getting some of those things taken care of. I could be wrong, the problem you are having surgery on now could have developed since WLS. Next, you need to believe that God brought you this far. He will continue to care for you if your trust is in Him. As far as your husband is concerned, I am sure he would rather be with you and will join you up at the hospital as soon as he can. This is the time to call on a good girlfriend. I am sure if you asked someone would be willing to go with you, just to give you some peace of mind. The surgery techniques and drugs are probably much different than when your mom had surgery and you need to think about that too. You are a survivor, You have had WLS and have lost "x" amount of weight, sorry I can't remember how much, you have had several surgeries since then, and are an encouragement to others on this board. You are in my prayers to have perfect peace for surgery tomorrow. Karen

oh karen. thank you so much for the perspective. the points you bring up are all true. i think my logic (and my courage) deserted me last night. i'm very glad i posted here for support rather than venting on dh and fighting with him. your response - especially the part about trusting in God - rings especially true. i usually lose my courage when i lose my faith. thank you for reminding me of that. and thanks for your prayers, too. i'll be thinking of that tomorrow as i face the day. hugs dorthe

Hey Dorthe, I know the word "bummed" cant even describe how you are feeling right now but look at it this way. And God knows you have heard this before somewhere in your life im sure. At least you are able to have an operation to take care of your ailments. So many people out there have no signs of surgery to cure them. You are a fighter and I know you deserve feeling like this right now. Jeez... Im with you on letting this be your last operation! Tell them suckers to put a zipper in while under so can just unzip ya to do future things lol.... See, gotta laugh to keep from crying. You will do amazing and you know your husband loves you and will do anything for you at anytime. So you get over this hurdle and enjoy the holidays the best you can. That motorcycle is a waiting girl!! Vrooom Vrooom!!! Hugs Marge

hi marge. there's that silver lining! at least my 'issue' can be repaired. thanks so much for that big of perspective. the mental picture of them installing a zipper is amusing. you made me laugh and for that i want to thank you. i appreciate your email, marge. it's such a blessing to be able to come here and post. hearing from others, such as yourself, has helped me thru many a trial and i really want to thank you for that. take care hugs dorthe

Dorthe, while your rectal surgery may be painful, rest assured there are plenty of wonderful pain medications that will keep you comfortable (or dope you up enough that you won't give a fig!). Please do all your pre-op prep so you don't have any complications from your surgery! Why? Cuz I said so, that's why! Not sure what it is about loved ones that they have to be thoughtless from time to time (I'm kind of experiencing that right now), but it doesn't mean they don't love us. It just means they don't get it. Hope it helps that we're here for you! You go, girl, get that butt fixed and start feeling better! Kix

hi kix: i started on my own, today, with the meds. right or wrong, they're giving me the ability to get through this day and do the pre-op according to instructions. and not giving a fig sounds pretty good to me right now. thank goodness i had some meds at home to use. sorry you're having loved one issues, too. don't you just wanna pound 'em in the head until it sinks in? oh, oh - that sounded kinda mean - i must need more valium it helps alot alot alot that you're all here for me. i've been close to tears for most of today and that's just not like me. i think this is all wearing me down. but the emails and posts i've gotten have given me the resolve to get thru this. as i said in an earlier post, within 72 hours it'll all be over but the healing. and so that's what i'm choosing to focus on for right now. thanks again, kix. i'll post again after all is said and done. in the meantime - hugs dorthe

Hey Dorothe, Everyone here has already given such great advice, but wanted you to know that I'll be praying for you tomorrow. All these surgeries will be put behind you very soon and you will forget all that has happened! (well, maybe not, but I'm sure it will be a very distant memory) Love ya hon Pam