Being "hit" upon

Today, I went out with the homeschool group that I lead for a day of bowling at a local family orientated bowling alley.  At the end of the day, I was shocked to be approached by a man wanting me to stay and bowl and drink a few beers with him.  One of my fears in having surgery was having men approach me in this way, and today, my first real day out post surgery, it happened.  I had so many of my friends, who do not know that I've had surgery, complimenting me that something was different, I was glowing, beautiful, etc. -- that was enough to throw me, but then to have this man do this - I did not know what to think. I laughed it off, but in many ways, it sort of scared me.  How have any of you dealt with this?  I do have a history of abuse, and don't want to be approached by men.  I love my husband, and I'm not interested in this attention. Help, advice appreciated. Jennie

Jennie, It happened to me at an antique auction.  This man kept talking and talking to me.  Boyce finally told me, "you realize he i****ting on you, don't you?".  I haven't had that happen in a looooooonnnnnnng time.  I had to ask Boyce several times if he was sure and was he (the man) really hitting on me.  Boyce said that definitely he was and did I want him to handle things.  I told him no, that I could take care of this-which I did.  The man kept telling me he would buy me something, but I told him thanks, but no thanks because I am too high maintenance and he wouldn't be able to afford me.  That seemed to work and now we all have a nice  hi, how are you, nice to see you again-type of  relationship. But I know what you mean about it scaring you.  I have noticed that I get "those looks" other places as well.  When I mention it to Boyce he reminds me that I am beautiful(his words, not mine) and of course men are going to look, but if I am ever uncomfortable with anything that all I have to do is let him know and he will handle the situation. Hugs, Janie

HEY JENNIE,              IM SORRY FIRST OFF THAT THE MAN MADE YOU FEEL SCARED. THATS NOT A VERY GOOD FEELING FOR SURE. AND SECOND I AM SORRY YOU HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH ABUSE IN THE PAST.... I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO TAKE THINGS LIKE THIS. YOU HAVE BECOME A NEW PERSON ON THE OUTSIDE AND THATS WHAT OTHERS SEE AND YES, YOU ARE A FEMALE AND ATTRACTIVE AND THAT GOES HAND IN HAND WITH MEN FLIRTING... I NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT MUCH EXCEPT YEARS AND YEARS AGO. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND SINCE I WAS 16 AND AM NOW 46 ( OR SO MY TWIN IS LOL) AND THE TIME WILL COME WHEN I FIND MYSELF IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT IM SURE... FIRST OFF I WOULD FREAK OUT!! NOT USED TO THINGS LIKE THAT FOR SURE. BUT WILL TOTALLY POST WHEN THAT DAY COMES LOL..... SO TRY TO OVERCOME THOSE SCARED FEELINGS THE BEST YOU CAN AND YOU DESERVE ALL THE COMPLIMENTS IN THE WORLD.... YOU HAVE WORKED HARD.... HUGS MARGE

Hi, Jennie: This hasn't happened to me yet, but then, I'm not all that alluring with my supplemental oxygen and my walker!    (I did get a new, sleek walker, but even so...) I don't know how I'll feel when (or if) it happens to me.  I don't have a history of abuse, but I've had some bad relationship experiences and I'm not in a hurry to jump back into the pond. I think the best thing to do when this happens is just say, "Thank you, but I'm happily married," and let it go at that.  I don't see any need for you to not be yourself just to avoid attention from men. Kix

 

 

Jennie, As I've delved into the deep emotional things that made me fat in the first place and may still be keeping me from my goal, it invariably goes to the fact that I don't want attention for men.  Well, I do and I don't.  My history whi*****ludes 2 failed marriages, abuse and the suicide of my second husband has made me very afraid.  I can't give you any answers as I'm still working through this.  I guess I just got to the point that I decided my health was more important.  Since I've lost the 150 lbs though I have not been receiving add'l attention from men to this point.  I must be still sending off the "not available" vibes as everyone keeps telling me how beautiful I am???? Hugs, Lori

HMMM ... i am scared as well.  fat has always protected me and now that is slipping away.  I will tell you what i tell myself, 'Jennie ... when you experienced the abuse, you were much younger.   you are a big girl now, and you will not allow yourself to get hurt again by some pervert.' easier said than done, i know ... one up and down look from a strange man and i feel like a scared kid again. i was thinking that i should visit a therapist experienced in abuse.  one should stop punishing oneself for being the victim.  it  is not something you asked for but it is something you have grown accustomed to being. you need to 'unlearn' all the negative responses. good luck :)