I don't know if I can do this! Anyone experience this?

Hello I am 12 days from my RNY surgery and I have been doing lots of research well now I got myself scared.  I keep think that I am going to die not during surgery but I have it in my head that I am going to die from a Pulmary emblism.  Don't get me wrong I really want this surgery I keep thinking of the things I will be able to do after surgery and weight loss but I cant necessarily picture myself thinner. But then in my next thought I see my husband sitting there cry in a church at a funeralThere are many wonderful people on this website and I know that they came through and survived just fine but I am at 440 pounds and I am scared to death that because I am so big I am not going to make it.  I have tried to lose weight before this with very very little success.   Is this normal or am I nuts.  Did anyone else feel this way experience this or is it just me? Thank you Kelly

Kelly I was scared to i weighed 509 and was having serious health issues,i could barely walk 2 feet. I wrote letters to my family and hid them (told my best friend where they were at in case something happened). I was bad so all my family decided to keep me busy so i wouldnt think about it.which worked Then came surgery day they were prepping me and it was a wait i told my dh if i could run id get up off this bed and high tail my big butt out of here.lol He came back in the rom and i wasnt in bed and he found the nurse and he thought id ran(lmao) i was in the bathroom. Just put your faith in God and your surgeon               and the girls on this board help me get over alot of my nervousness..thank you ladies. I would have my surgery over again because the life i have now is spectactular.................................

Kelly -  I could easily  have worked myself up into being scared before surgery, but when I'd start to get that way I'd always stop and say to myself "If I don't have this surgery I WILL die, so what could be worse?" I would rather die trying  than die from complications of being morbidly obese.  I honestly turned everything over to God, that's what got me through it all. Best wishes to you, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

The internet can be a scarey place, esp. when we research medical info. Yes, various complications can happen. I think the best way to deal with fear is by talking about it. Talk to the folks here and talk to your surgeon. If you are concerned about a particular issue, such as an embolism, ask your doc what is being done to prevent it. Will you be having a vena cava filter? Ask questions and take what action you can. Then turn it over to God. Most of all, relax and celebrate that your day is almost here. Best wishes, Patty

THANK YOU EVERYONE  You all make me feel better I no longer feel that I am insane.  I am glad to here other people felt the same way I did.  I can do this I will put my faith in god beside I have beaten the odds before I can and will do it again. THANKS AGAIN

Before surgery I decided to only tell a few people.  I just wanted my business kept private.  I didn't even share the news with two of my closest friends.  But after months of waiting, I just kept thinking about how horrible I would feel if something ever happened and I didn't tell them how much I loved them and how much their friendship has meant to me.  In the end, about a week prior to surgery I gave in and dropped the news. I definately was scared.  After surgery I was absolutely paranoid about getting a blood clot in my legs and damn near wore out a pair of shoes taking a 15min walk every couple hours to keep my legs pumping.  But in the end you have GOT to look at the big picture - YOUR FUTURE.  This surgery will extend your life and extend the life you have with your husband and family. BIg hugs - keep strong!

I understand your fear completely.  At the beginning of the process I weighed 443 and was at 410 on the date of surgery.  I have a history of pulmonary embolisis and just knew I was going to get a blood clot again.  However, I decided it was all worth the risks.  I first gave it to God.  Then I found a competent surgeon who had plenty of success with high BMI patients.  I armed myself with lots of information and even read memorials.  I wanted this to be as real as possible.  I even questioned messing up God's will by having my intestines re-routed.  I prayed on that and came to the understanding that it was too God's will to bestow the intelligence to individuals on how to successfully re-route our intestines to make us healthy individuals!  I tell you this to illustrate how much thinking and questioning I did pre-surgery.  And on the day of surgery, I was at peace.  I had to wait nearly two hours in pre-op without family and at no point was I scared.  I prayed and dreamed of the life I was going to have post-op.  ( I still can't imagine myself at a healthy weight )  Recently I had a major complications that was unique to me and nothing my surgeon did wrong.  Because of my history of PEs, I take coumadin - a blood thinner.  Well, I had way too much in my system and began to bleed internally at my internal suture sites.  Not a common complication but a life threatening one all the same.  Even as I lay here still a bit dazed in my recovery from that event, I do not regret having this surgery.  I do not feel hungry and have not since the day of surgery and I have zero appetite.  Surreal - but real!   WLS is a personal decision and a life changing decision - think it through and know why you are doing it.  For me, the pros still outweigh the cons.

Kelly, I believe that this is a natural process that we all go through. You've read how others dealt with it through positive thinking, through their belief in Jesus or through actually preparing in case they did die. I think I did all three.  I first gave it to God, but the fear of dying kept creeping in.  I was by myself (my husband was away at school) and i was scared.  One of my friends is an OR nurse and she told me she would scrub in for the surger and be there with me.  That was a relief.  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned my house and got rid of a TON of clothes before surgery.  I prepped my son on how to handle stuff while I was in the hospital.  The day before surgery I sent a delayed e-mail to my husband and planned out my funeral to the T.  What music I wanted, who I wanted for pall bearers, what I wanted to wear, who to do my makeup and hair and that I wanted the plan of salvation presented at my funeral. All this was unnecessary obviously, but from a mental point of view, it really helped me.   I like what Jan said, that she was going to die without the surgery so which choice is better? You are going to be perfectly fine and don't worry about it.

Hi Kelly, I, too, weighed 440 on the date of my surgery.  I'm now almost six months out and I have lost 115 lbs.  I can't even begin to describe how different I feel and what this six month journey has been like.  All I can say is that I would do this 1,000 times over if I had to. I reached a point where I knew I wasn't really living - I was existing.  My knees hurt every single day - even with Celebrex, Motrin and Tylenol, shots into the joint.  Walking across a small parking lot was very difficult - left me in pain, out of breath and absolutely exhausted.  The thought of having my 6 year old daughter play soccer or t-ball and having to walk any distance to watch a game was overwhelming.  My blood pressure was high and I was on medication - it had to be increased because I stopped responding to a lower dose.  I have sleep apnea.  I knew I was on my way to Type II diabetes.  My daughter and husband became my legs; get me this or that, do the grocery shopping, take clothes to the dry cleaner, do laundry, clean the house.  All I did was take my dd to school, go to work, pick up dd from school and be at home.  Any cooking I did was while sitting in a chair in front of the stove - hurt too much to stand for too long. I wanted this surgery even if I died on the table.  I wanted to at least leave this world having done everything I could do to LIVE.  I didn't want anyone to even have the thought of I didn't even try.  I knew I was already the walking dead, digging my own grave with a fork and spoon. One thing I did was journal every last memory I had about being overweight.  The shame, the gulity, the merciless teasing from other children.  EVERY.SINGLE.BAD.EXPERIENCE!  Like Linda M. and her idiot friends "bouncing" a little in their chairs when I would sit down at the lunch table in 8th grade; like the guy I dated for FIVE YEARS who said he didn't want to have sex with me anymore because I had gotten too fat; like Kevin M. (Oh yeah, I remember names!!!) who moo-ed at me at a bar in front of my friends; like (this is one of my favorites!) the old guy at a bar who was sitting with me while his younger frined danced with my friend who said, "It's really a shame that you're so pretty - you're really fat and I don't dance with fat women."  I said, "It's okay...I make it my policy not to dance with ********" Then I poured my drink on his very expensive cowboy hat that was in a chair next to me and smiled sweetly and said, "Now THAT's a shame!" and walked off.  It made me sooooo mad that I almost marched into the operation table and jumped on the table!  I look back on those journal entries and it breaks my heart but it shows me, yet again, that surgery was worth it, I AM WORTH IT.  That the possibility of ANY complication is so worth it because I AM WORTH IT. I also strongly agree with the "turn it over" to God.  I remember being in the operating room and them telling me they were giving me something to relax.  I remember looking at the big silver lights above and around the table and thinking, "Ok God, we've gotten this far together...You get me to the other side.  COWABUNGA!!!" Next thing I know I was calling out for my husband in the recovery room. Has it been easy? No.  I've spent my share of time ranting and raving about how can I be expected to be a mature adult when I can't EAT (I'm like a old, broken down drunk, living under the bridge kind when it comes to food!) I want my food NOW! Oh yes, I spent my share of time trying to bargain with my pouch and paying the price by throwing up and feeling horrible.  Just get it through your head right now that THE POUCH RULES and WINS EVERY.TIME! (It'll save you lots of pain and time later on!) I went through a detoxing time just as if I had been addicted to drugs.  I spent hours, if not days, crying - I think this is why a lot of pre-ops get dehydrated, we cry A LOT.  Then there was the fun period of time of being able to go from a normal person to crazy, screaming, mental loon in about .25 seconds.  Why my husband didn't pack up our daughter and leave my sorry butt, I don't know.   However, the saving grace to all of this is a wonderful counselor by the name of Dona.  She is a certified addictions counselor who has done psych evals for WLS in the past and is very familiar with surgery.  Bless her heart, she listens to me, laughs at my jokes and little sayings, and reassures me that I really am normal...pretty funny BUT normal.  (Though she hesitates to clarify 'pretty funny' as in humorous or as in psycho strange! LOL)   Don't worry about not being able to picture yourself thinner.  I couldn't either and I still have problems seeing myself as thinner even after losing 115 lbs.  It's one of my fears I still deal with - who am I if I'm not the fat one, what is my identity if I can't include fat somewhere?  Well, I'm finding out that I'm a lot of things...and most importantly, I'm a perfect JANA.  Even with all my warts (figuratively speaking) and a few stray hairs (literally speaking!) I am exactly who I am supposed to be.   So Kelly...you're at a crossroads in your life and for your life.  What are you going to do?  Either way..we're here for you and I know I'll be keeping a place just for you on the loser's bench! Cowabunga, baby!!! Jana

Well when I had my surgery I to was in the forbidden four hundreds hahahah. and I was terrified going into surgery because of the embolisms I could have written your post myself. Let me say to you what was said to me from my good friend who is a Paramedic. " Kid at your size you could have an embolism tommorow without the surgery. you have a better chance of not having one with the surgery." they warn us because it could happen however more people than not have no clots. have faith say a prayer and follow your doctors orders to a tee and we will all pray for you.