Yesterday was the day

Yesterday was the day I was scheduled for the lap band and wasn't able to get it. Just to re cap... the hospital my surgeon uses isn't in network with my insurance and I can't afford to pay out of pocket for it. The doctor won't do the proceedure any place other than this particular place. I found a new doctor in Memphis, TN and my current doctor told me they would send my file to the new doctor without charge and if I needed anything just let them now and they would be more than happy to help me out. Its so hard tonight though. I sat here and cried for a little while over the let down. The day I found out I was approved was so exciting. I cried for nearly an hour from just relief and joy over being able to actually visualize the changes that were actually going to happen now. When you hear those words, Your approved, it changes everything in you. For me, I had the fear, but it wasn't the fear I was thinking about. I actually felt a calm peace sweep over me. Like I knew things were going to be better, FINALLY! I have fibromyalgia and the pain I suffer thru on a daily basis is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I push my body too hard and I pay the price every night so this surgery is a blessing. When I got that call last week, it felt like a family member had died and then yesterday, it felt like I was at a funeral most of the day. My dream had died and I was putting it away. I know that is a bit over the top but thats the way it felt. I still have the dream, I am still approved, but I just have to find a doctor and hospital (which I have). I also may have another wait period and its not something I have time for. I need to do this before the first of the year. I have a $2000 deductable on my insurance and I have met it this year. I don't want to be out that much next year! It's too much and its hard to pay. Anyway, Thanks for sticking with the post I appreciate it. BTW, I am working on getting a profile up so don't think I don't want you guys to know about me. hehe Amy

Hi Amy, I'm sorry yesterday was such a hard day for you. Just get back up on your and find another surgeon!!!! Just like you said YOU ARE ALREADY APPROVED!!!!! You may have had a little set back, but believe me it will be worth it in the end. I had many dissappointments along my way, but no one every told me it would be easy!!!! Congrats on your approval and Good Luck with finding your surgeon!!!! Best Wishes~~ Carmella -87lbs in 3months

OK Amy, Get up honey, dust yourself off, and get back out there and just know you are APPROVED. I know that was an awful thing for them to let ya know like that. Cant amagine. I havent had my surgery yet either but I do know what it is like to want soso bad to be over this. You work so hard for it then something like this comes along and BAM!. Just look at it like this. there was a man that passed away this week from his surgery(not lap band) and had fought for three years with insurance crap. Think about it. If they would have approved him alot earlier, Im almost sure it would have made alot of difference in the outcome. So feel blessed and get back out there and DONT GIVE UP!!! hugs Margaret

hey amy, I am really sorry about your troubles. But like everyone is telling you.at least you are approved!!!!! girl! thats 1/2 the battle. If you ever feel sad and down again......come on here. we have some BIG SMO shoulders to cry on. and everyone has a different point of view. One of them will hit home with you and you;ll feel better. we are all in this together! ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) willby

Hi Amy, So sorry you had to go through that trouble... it is very disheartening to have a setback like that, but I can tell you're strong. You've still got your dream, now you've got your new doctor and hospital... maybe if you explain the thing about your deductible they will be willing to work with you on it. Hope it all works out the way you want it to. I'm pulling for ya! Take Care, Tanja

Thank you all for the support! It is a blessing. I would like to say I am over it but the depression is still here although I am not openly weeping anymore. lol I think it was just a huge emotional jolt. I started reading the posts about the gentleman who passed away on the California board and knew his feelings for people to go on with their journey despite his passing. It is scary to think of losing my life on the table (although the lap band is less invasive) but it is scarier for me to think of living my life sitting here in this chair, crying myself silly everyday due to my pain and frustration with my weight. Yesterday I was reading a passage out of a book that my husband bought. It's by a syndicated AM radio talk show host that has had a hard time in the past with Alcoholism and finding his place in the world. He said that the turning point for him was a dream he had one night. It was so profound he sat straight up in bed, got up and painted the dream. The dream he had was.... He was standing on a country road with fields and a broken down stall next to the road. The colors were dark and grey.. like winter weather and there was a HUGE black hole where the road lead to. It was the blackest thing he had ever seen. Then an old man touched him on the shoulder, he turned and the man had a long white beard and he looked dirty and dingy also. The man told him he had to go thru the blackness. He told him he couldn't go thru there. He was too afraid. The man took him by the hand and pulled him thru it. It was only black for a second and when he came out on the other side, it was all green and beautiful and color everywhere and he felt so happy and content. He turned to look at the man and the mans appearance had changed. He was no longer dirty and dingy but his beard was white as snow and so was his clothes. He told the man he didn't want to go back to that place. The old man told him he had to go back because he had to make the journey thru the darkness to come back out on this side. He said but I'm afraid. The man told him, you will only be afraid for a little while. The blackness is very small but you have to travel thru it. Then all of a sudden, he was back on the dark side. Thats when he woke up. He said that he realized then what he had to do. He has been sober for a long time now but he still struggles sometimes. I know for me, that hit me so hard. I haven't been scared of the surgery but I am scared to cross over that line into health. I haven't been healthy for a very long time. I have kept myself like this out of fear for many different reasons. I decided though, I want to come out into the color of the world and the beauty and be at peace. I can make it thru the fear, it only last a little while in the grand scheme of things... Wilby if you read this, I still believe the decision is one you ultimately have to make for yourself but I hope you understand the message. Amy

That's really nice, Amy; thanks for sharing that. I know someone will get the message. Take Care, Tanja

Simply Awesome! Thank you Amy!! Huggs, Ruth