Pretty Ugly (sorry gang - long one)
As you were all busy chatting in the chat room or whooping it up with the House Strippers last night 
, I was watching Dr. Phil. I know... I know... I hadn't planned on watching... really I didn't... 
but I saw a preview commercial and I HAD too. 
and I am glad that I did.
The show was called "Pretty Ugly" hence the title of the post. It had a huge effect on me. I almost ran out and posted on the board, but once that woman started talking, I didn't want to miss anything. I have never ever written a letter to a TV host before, but this morning I found myself writing to Dr. Phil. Don't know if I will actually send it or not, but I felt that I needed to share with my SMO Family.
These are my personal comments and feelings. There is no need to respond. Huggs..... Ruth 
Dear Sir,
This isn't a question. It is a revelation of sorts.
Last night I had the pleasure of viewing your show on channel UPN channel 57 at 10:00pm, here in Philadelphia, PA. It was the show called "'Pretty Ugly' - Dr. Phil's son disguises himself to see if attractive people are treated better in society."
Frankly, I have seen similiar shows where someone typically dresses in a 'fat suit' and then goes out in public and sees what it is like to be treated as a larger sized person in this country. Therefore, I hadn't planned on watching it, no offense. However, when I saw a commercial previewing it earlier in the evening, and I saw a woman admit that she didn't treat her one daughter the same as she did her 'prettier' daughter, because she was 'fat' and that she was 'ashamed to be seen with her', I knew I had to watch it. All I can say is that I was truly outraged. Why?! How much time do you have?!
I could not believe the words that came out of that womans mouth. The differences in how she treats her daughters is truly appalling. Why does she do this?! Because she feels her one daughter, I believe named Victoria, wasn't as pretty as her sister, and because she was fat. IMHO, her 'preferred' daughter isn't all that pretty, however, she IS thinner. My anger and outrage increased with every word that woman spoke. A $600 B-Day party for pretty daughter, $30 and not even a cake for Victoria's B-Day. When she said that Victoria was only seven years old, I can only say she is a very lucky woman that I was not in the audience that day. SHE is the mother. The CHILD is SEVEN. She justifies it by saying she (Victoria) sneaks food and needs to learn not to do that. Who's at fault here?! The seven year old?!?!? Please.
Average looking and average sized people in this country have no idea how others are treated because they believe that how they are treated is normal, and in turn, that is how all others are treated as well. As your son, and the other woman in your test study proved, that is not the case. Right or wrong, people make assumptions everyday based on their perceptions. When people do these tests they seem to be always shocked at the result. I on the other hand am not. Your son said that at he end of the day he was tired, physically and emotionally. Welcome to my everyday world.
I am a 44-year old SMO woman. No shock there, is there? You probably already knew that. FYI for anyone else reading this, SMO means 'super morbidly obese'. When asked how long I have been obese, my answer is always, "Since birth. How long have you been a jack-ass?" Sarcastic? Yes. True? Maybe, maybe not, but my point is well made. I have struggled with my obesity my entire life. As a child I was never picked for teams, constantly made fun of by friend and foe alike, forced to take extra gym classes in school, even put down and made fun of by the gym teacher. Growing up my cousins were rather athletic although we were all overweight. They played softball and tennis. I couldn't even hit the ball. Tried skateboarding and roller skating. Couldn't stand up on the things, let alone skate. Also tried ice skating a few times with the same results. Went to a Girl Scout ice skating party/sleep over, in yet another attempt. I was 'held up' by older girls and 'skated' around the rink. When we got to the sleep over part, I was cold, sore, and my feet were thoroughly blistered. This is fun!?!? I just wanted to go home. I called home for several hours, and all I got was a busy signal. Back in those days there wasn't 'call waiting' or 'caller id'. I crawled into my sleeping bag and stayed there till morning. I found out the next day my parents took their phone off the hook so they wouldn't be disturbed during a TV movie. I was maybe nine or 10 years old. I never dated as a teen. Never went to my proms. Turned to drugs and alcohol to be accepted by my partying 'peers'. Thank goodness I grew out of that phase. As an adult, good enough to sleep with... not good enough to date (take out), or be a true 'girlfriend', let alone marry. Every diet I ever tried my father would tease me. When I would get angry or emotional, I would always get the same response, 'oh, I'm just teasing' and 'your too emotional'. Yes, I have always been emotional... go figure. I know he doesn't mean to be hurtful, but it is. My grandmother (yes, dad's mom), told me that she was ashamed of me when I had gained weight back after I had lost a substantial amount of weight. And the always controversial statement, 'your so pretty... if you would only lose some weight.' Friends don't get, or understand why you are tired or don't want to go places. A) we are physically tired... hello!! B) we can't fit into the places everyone else goes (chairs with arms, restaurant booths, airplane seats), and most take for granted. We can't even go to the doctor and get a gown to cover us! I have been the size I am (SMO) for fifteen years or so now. Every diet... 50 pounds off... 75 back on.... 50 pounds off.... 75 back on. We just plain stop caring or feel everyone else has. Why bother.
Time for the 'revelation' part I mentioned in the beginning.
When you were speaking to the woman on the show about her daughter, and you said something like (I don't want to misquote you), 'don't you think she is turning to the food because it won't reject her?!' I literally gasped at that statement. Up until that moment, I was enraged at her for how she treated her child. The cruel things she said to her, the differences in how she treated her and her thinner daughter. These things I have had done to me, and said to me, over and over the last fourty-four years, by various people, both familiar to me, as well as strangers. It was in that moment that 'I got it'. I finally got it. The tears flowed uncontrollably. The years and years of pain, anger, frustration, and hatred, became clear for the first time. One moment was able to do what years and years of various therapists could not. I eat because food doesn't REJECT me. Teachers have, family have, friends have, men have, strangers have, society has. And why... because I am fat?... because I don't fit their idea of normal? .....or fit society's mold? Why do we remember the negatives more than the positives? Gee, another of life's burning questions (read with sarcasm). I have gotten the other elements of my food addiction/abuse... it's comforting... it fills the voids, etc. But that word, rejection, is my key.
I know you don't think much of gastric bypass surgery, but that is the route I am pursuing. Have done all my clearanceas and am currently awaiting insurance approval and then a surgery date. Just wanted to say thank you to you for having my light bulb finally go on.
, I was watching Dr. Phil. I know... I know... I hadn't planned on watching... really I didn't... but I saw a preview commercial and I HAD too. and I am glad that I did.
The show was called "Pretty Ugly" hence the title of the post. It had a huge effect on me. I almost ran out and posted on the board, but once that woman started talking, I didn't want to miss anything. I have never ever written a letter to a TV host before, but this morning I found myself writing to Dr. Phil. Don't know if I will actually send it or not, but I felt that I needed to share with my SMO Family.
These are my personal comments and feelings. There is no need to respond. Huggs..... Ruth
Dear Sir,
This isn't a question. It is a revelation of sorts.
Last night I had the pleasure of viewing your show on channel UPN channel 57 at 10:00pm, here in Philadelphia, PA. It was the show called "'Pretty Ugly' - Dr. Phil's son disguises himself to see if attractive people are treated better in society."
Frankly, I have seen similiar shows where someone typically dresses in a 'fat suit' and then goes out in public and sees what it is like to be treated as a larger sized person in this country. Therefore, I hadn't planned on watching it, no offense. However, when I saw a commercial previewing it earlier in the evening, and I saw a woman admit that she didn't treat her one daughter the same as she did her 'prettier' daughter, because she was 'fat' and that she was 'ashamed to be seen with her', I knew I had to watch it. All I can say is that I was truly outraged. Why?! How much time do you have?!
I could not believe the words that came out of that womans mouth. The differences in how she treats her daughters is truly appalling. Why does she do this?! Because she feels her one daughter, I believe named Victoria, wasn't as pretty as her sister, and because she was fat. IMHO, her 'preferred' daughter isn't all that pretty, however, she IS thinner. My anger and outrage increased with every word that woman spoke. A $600 B-Day party for pretty daughter, $30 and not even a cake for Victoria's B-Day. When she said that Victoria was only seven years old, I can only say she is a very lucky woman that I was not in the audience that day. SHE is the mother. The CHILD is SEVEN. She justifies it by saying she (Victoria) sneaks food and needs to learn not to do that. Who's at fault here?! The seven year old?!?!? Please.
Average looking and average sized people in this country have no idea how others are treated because they believe that how they are treated is normal, and in turn, that is how all others are treated as well. As your son, and the other woman in your test study proved, that is not the case. Right or wrong, people make assumptions everyday based on their perceptions. When people do these tests they seem to be always shocked at the result. I on the other hand am not. Your son said that at he end of the day he was tired, physically and emotionally. Welcome to my everyday world.
I am a 44-year old SMO woman. No shock there, is there? You probably already knew that. FYI for anyone else reading this, SMO means 'super morbidly obese'. When asked how long I have been obese, my answer is always, "Since birth. How long have you been a jack-ass?" Sarcastic? Yes. True? Maybe, maybe not, but my point is well made. I have struggled with my obesity my entire life. As a child I was never picked for teams, constantly made fun of by friend and foe alike, forced to take extra gym classes in school, even put down and made fun of by the gym teacher. Growing up my cousins were rather athletic although we were all overweight. They played softball and tennis. I couldn't even hit the ball. Tried skateboarding and roller skating. Couldn't stand up on the things, let alone skate. Also tried ice skating a few times with the same results. Went to a Girl Scout ice skating party/sleep over, in yet another attempt. I was 'held up' by older girls and 'skated' around the rink. When we got to the sleep over part, I was cold, sore, and my feet were thoroughly blistered. This is fun!?!? I just wanted to go home. I called home for several hours, and all I got was a busy signal. Back in those days there wasn't 'call waiting' or 'caller id'. I crawled into my sleeping bag and stayed there till morning. I found out the next day my parents took their phone off the hook so they wouldn't be disturbed during a TV movie. I was maybe nine or 10 years old. I never dated as a teen. Never went to my proms. Turned to drugs and alcohol to be accepted by my partying 'peers'. Thank goodness I grew out of that phase. As an adult, good enough to sleep with... not good enough to date (take out), or be a true 'girlfriend', let alone marry. Every diet I ever tried my father would tease me. When I would get angry or emotional, I would always get the same response, 'oh, I'm just teasing' and 'your too emotional'. Yes, I have always been emotional... go figure. I know he doesn't mean to be hurtful, but it is. My grandmother (yes, dad's mom), told me that she was ashamed of me when I had gained weight back after I had lost a substantial amount of weight. And the always controversial statement, 'your so pretty... if you would only lose some weight.' Friends don't get, or understand why you are tired or don't want to go places. A) we are physically tired... hello!! B) we can't fit into the places everyone else goes (chairs with arms, restaurant booths, airplane seats), and most take for granted. We can't even go to the doctor and get a gown to cover us! I have been the size I am (SMO) for fifteen years or so now. Every diet... 50 pounds off... 75 back on.... 50 pounds off.... 75 back on. We just plain stop caring or feel everyone else has. Why bother.
Time for the 'revelation' part I mentioned in the beginning.
When you were speaking to the woman on the show about her daughter, and you said something like (I don't want to misquote you), 'don't you think she is turning to the food because it won't reject her?!' I literally gasped at that statement. Up until that moment, I was enraged at her for how she treated her child. The cruel things she said to her, the differences in how she treated her and her thinner daughter. These things I have had done to me, and said to me, over and over the last fourty-four years, by various people, both familiar to me, as well as strangers. It was in that moment that 'I got it'. I finally got it. The tears flowed uncontrollably. The years and years of pain, anger, frustration, and hatred, became clear for the first time. One moment was able to do what years and years of various therapists could not. I eat because food doesn't REJECT me. Teachers have, family have, friends have, men have, strangers have, society has. And why... because I am fat?... because I don't fit their idea of normal? .....or fit society's mold? Why do we remember the negatives more than the positives? Gee, another of life's burning questions (read with sarcasm). I have gotten the other elements of my food addiction/abuse... it's comforting... it fills the voids, etc. But that word, rejection, is my key.
I know you don't think much of gastric bypass surgery, but that is the route I am pursuing. Have done all my clearanceas and am currently awaiting insurance approval and then a surgery date. Just wanted to say thank you to you for having my light bulb finally go on. 
Ruth,
Unfortunately, i missed that show last night. Your letter is searing.I wish I could take all your pain away..........but then again..........our pain is what makes us who we are today.Right?
Sometimes our bad memories get so heavy to carry. We should forget them.........but they are so much a part of us.
(((((Big Comforting Hug)))))))))
willby
Ruth your post made me cry, I'm glad i didn't see that show. My father is much like yours he "makes" fun of my weight in away thats ment to "help" me. But, what he don't understand it HURTS more then he knows. The sad thing is that i find myself being so intense to my daugther about her eating habits. I'm so scared she will be obese when she gets older. Right now I'm stuck living with my parents. Oh God I stress to them to not give her everything she wants to eat that they are instilling unheathly eating habits with her like they did with me. But it always ends in a fight. My father saying "You do it she does it" Its the truth but what they dont understand is she's 6 and needs other people to control her habits don't let her be like me and everyone else in my family. I'm saving my money to move out after my sugery in Oct. because im mother is the one going to help me after surgery. So i figured the first of the year would be best after the holidays and what not. I will make her habits change as mine are going to change. Because i love my daugther to much to give her the life that i have lived.
Hey Ruth,
Couldn't have read a more breathtaking letter if I say so myself. And the only thing that I have to say about this subject is..... I know for all of us SMO's, we have all experienced some or all of the treatments that you spoke of. And has damn well made us who we are today typing on this board And thats what makes us have each other and have a common bond.
Hugs Margaret
.................................. all I'm gonna say is thank you for sharing this.
SipeleK 
Aww Ruth I say send it..send it right out. My sister watched that show and begged me to watch but I didn't. Personally it makes me want to take that mother and shake the **** out of her
. Children are a gift and for her to neglect (and yes I do think she is neglecting her emotionally and physically) that poor little girl is just flat, **cking ridiculous!! I have a daughter and because of my weight problem I worry every single day if she will suffer the same fate. My entire family (well only the females) are overweight. Its disgusting to me the way society treats us and its even more disgusting to me that MY OWN family treats me the way ignorant strangers do.
When I was a teenager my father slapped my face and called me a "fatass"...I cried and cried because that slap didn't hurt a bit, compared to his stinging words. I am 29 years old and I STILL remember those words and that pain like it happened yesterday.
I tell my children that this world would be a pretty boring place if we all looked the same, our differences make us special! I try very hard to tell my children every single day how much I love them and all the wonderful things they do and will continue to do.
Ruth I really wish I could give you a big hug because we are all in the same boat on this board. NO ONE seems to understand why SMO's don't just "go on a diet", "stop eating and exercise"..they seem to think we LIVE at buffets or just sit around eating everyday
. We struggle so hard to fit into societies mold and its not fair!!
I know that everyone on this board is special and beautiful!! I think of you all as my SMO family and as long I have you backing me the harsh words, criticism, stares, giggles and all that go along with being someone my size won't hurt as bad...for that I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
Send that note for yourself and everyone who sat at home watching that show and crying along with you DO IT FOR THE SMO"S!!
. Children are a gift and for her to neglect (and yes I do think she is neglecting her emotionally and physically) that poor little girl is just flat, **cking ridiculous!! I have a daughter and because of my weight problem I worry every single day if she will suffer the same fate. My entire family (well only the females) are overweight. Its disgusting to me the way society treats us and its even more disgusting to me that MY OWN family treats me the way ignorant strangers do.
When I was a teenager my father slapped my face and called me a "fatass"...I cried and cried because that slap didn't hurt a bit, compared to his stinging words. I am 29 years old and I STILL remember those words and that pain like it happened yesterday.
I tell my children that this world would be a pretty boring place if we all looked the same, our differences make us special! I try very hard to tell my children every single day how much I love them and all the wonderful things they do and will continue to do.
Ruth I really wish I could give you a big hug because we are all in the same boat on this board. NO ONE seems to understand why SMO's don't just "go on a diet", "stop eating and exercise"..they seem to think we LIVE at buffets or just sit around eating everyday. We struggle so hard to fit into societies mold and its not fair!!
I know that everyone on this board is special and beautiful!! I think of you all as my SMO family and as long I have you backing me the harsh words, criticism, stares, giggles and all that go along with being someone my size won't hurt as bad...for that I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
Send that note for yourself and everyone who sat at home watching that show and crying along with you DO IT FOR THE SMO"S!! 
Ruth,
I did see that show. I never watch Dr. Phil, because he is a pompous, ignorant know-it-all jerk, but I did catch that one, and the woman was horrible! I was shocked at the way she treated her daughter, making her sleep on the floor because she was a "slob," complaining about her weight and giving her 2 cheeseburgers and french fries for dinner. Crazy! I am shocked anyone would admit that! I am ashamed to admit is, but I believe that, subconciously, I favor my overweight daughter to my "physically perfect" son. I know this is wrong, but there is something so special about her. I don't know if it is because she is my first, or a girl, or overweight, or so much like me, but I absolutely adore that child. I am crazy about my son as well, but I really believe there is a connection, but I don't show it. In fact, my daughter often accuses me of loving my son more, typical kid stuff. My mother told me that all parents favor one child, but that often changes, depending on which child needs them the most. I know my mom used to favor me, but that has frequently shifted to my little brother, and my grandmother clearly thought the sun rose and set on me and spent every spare minute and dollar with me.
About the "fat suit," I think that was a little dramatic. Of course if you are a fat sloppy (not all fat people are sloppy but they made these people look it) person who wants to work in a lingerie shop, they are going to look at you funny. That kind of job should be staffed by attractive people you would want to see in lingerie. As for myself, thin or fat, I would be leary of anyone who sent me a drink in a bar, but they had that guy looking like a serial killer, so of course anyone would refuse it, not because he is fat, but because he looked creepyand dangerous. I really believe they exagerrated the stereotypes about fat people. I have never encountered that problem, people always wait on me in stores and make eye contact, I have always had dates, I have never been rejected for a job I was qualified for. I would never put myself in the position of being rejected from a job at Victoria's Secret or as a personal trainer. Everyone has limitations, and, although I am smart and educated, I am not qualified for any job I might want. Underwear model, lifeguard, and trapeze artist are all out. I just have to accept that and move on. That's life, it's not fair.
Just my opinion, which means nothing.
Carrie
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