Not my Business or What...Kinda long

Hi BAF, Okay, I have an associate (I don't use the word FRIEND sparingly) that has a son, 10 months old and is now 3-4 months pregnant. She will not admit it, but her son was conceived by a caucasian man but she tells everybody that her sons father is my cousin. She constantly tries to convince me, my mother, his mother and ever family member of ours, that she speaks too that her sons father is my cousin. But we know better. This child has grey/blue eyes, bone-straight blonde hair, and a really pale complexion which are all visible signs of being fully-caucasian. No matter how many times our family and her own mother suggest, she will not get a DNA test done. I don't say anything to her about the situation, unless she asks, but her friends, my cousins friends, and a lot of the family, constantly tease her about my cousin, not being her sons father. Now, Back in April or May, she told me that she wanted to have another baby, so that people would stop teasing her about her son not belonging to my cousin, and I told her that it was the wrong thing to do, and that she needed to wait until her son was at least 2 y/o, since she is only 20 y/o (at the time). I told her that she should not listen to people, but if she felt that she needed a DNA test, then do it. Today, she asked my opinion, and I told her that I too did not think that my cousin fathered her son and she should have a DNA test done for the sake of the child. I personally don't believe in abortions except under the right cir****tances, and this is one. But I suggested that she should have an abortion because she and her son are too young, she still lives with her mother and the teasing is only going to get worse if this child comes out darker and looks black. My cousin has a daughter by another white girl and she looks as if her mother is black. Yeah, she got mad. She didn't say anything, she just looked at me and gathered up her sons things and left. She called me a couple of hours later and said that she was surprised that I would suggest to have an abortion and so did her mother, father, and my cousin. I told her I felt this way because I know that she got pregnant by my cousin, because she was not sure if her son was his and by her not having a DNA test it looked suspicious. I also told her that, I know she got pregnant so that this baby is his and that he won't leave her, and having a baby won't make him stay. So my question to BAF is, Was I wrong for telling her how I felt about her situation? I have to say that I am truly at her for getting pregnant, because I know she was on birth control and I know when she got off of them, because she tells me everything. Her son, even though in MY heart I know he does not belong to my cousin, is my baby too, and I love him, but I expected more out of her, then making this DUMB move. Suggestions please, no matter how harsh they are......

FFGal I read your post and it really distrubed me greatly. Please forgive me if I sound harsh. For I dont mean too and plus it is really none of my business what is going on in your family. BUT one of the worst things you could ever do is suggest to ANYONE they need to get an abortion. Now I say this with great concern for a number of reasons. 1) And most important is no matter what anyone tells you MURDER!!! Doing anything with the pregncy (abortion) would be like walking up to someone on the streets and shooting them dead. It is plain wrong no matter how you look at it. 2) Coming from a women who has never been able to conceive a day in her life. Who would give her very life to be able to get pregant. It just makes me ill to think people so ready think the best way out of the situation it to get an abortion. 3) There are so many willing familys out there wanting a baby. I know for a fact there are several upon several here @ OH that would love to be able to have kids. 4) In all honesty what does it really matter if the baby is your cousins or not. If he doesnt have a problem with it. And by your post it doesnt look that way. Then why all the drama?? It is their lives let them have at it. So what if she is living with her mother. When she ask your opion just tell her straight out. I dont want to voice my opion because I am too close to all involved. That way you dont get upset, she isnt hurt, nor is your cousin. Last but not least. Have you ever seen Montel Williams kids?? His wife is white and both of his kids were toehead and fair skined when they were first born. All I am saying is okay so what the baby may and may not be your cousins. My father wasnt really the father (natural) to my brothers and sister. But I didnt throw that in their face every time they turned around. Thank god for men who are willing to stand up and be a man. And assume the role of father. If he doesnt mind then know one else should. Good luck with this situation. You and your family will be in my prayers. Just remember both the baby she carries now and your nephew are innocent in all of this. They didnt ask for any of this to be put on them. Melissa

Thanks Melissa, and No you did not sound harsh at all, and I am sorry for your not being able to have a child. I pray that one day you will be able to conceive a child, because you sound so deserving to be a mother. Okay, now back to your post. Read this part of my post that I copied and pasted: "I personally don't believe in abortions except under the right cir****tances, and this is one. But I suggested that she should have an abortion because she and her son are too young, she still lives with her mother and the teasing is only going to get worse if this child comes out darker and looks black. She called me a couple of hours later and said that she was surprised that I would suggest to have an abortion and so did her mother, father, and my cousin (whom is the father on the child she is carrying). I told her I felt this way because I know that she got pregnant by my cousin, because she was not sure if her son was his and by her not having a DNA test it looked suspicious. I also told her that, I know she got pregnant so that this baby is his and that he won't leave her, and having a baby won't make him stay". I am not the only person that suggested she abort this child. She got pregnant for the wrong reasons and if she goes thru with this pregnancy, even if she decides adoption, I know that if she has this child and sees it, she will keep it and that will hurt the family that wants the baby and hurt her also, because she can't afford another child and he is not with her anyway. He lives with his daughters mother and takes care of them. We asked why did he have sex with her again, and he said that he was drunk at the same party where she was and they had sex and she got pregnant. They are not even together, so he can't stay where he is not living anyway. You know what I'm saying...

Yes sweetie I do understand. More then you reliaze. My heart goes out to you and your family. {{{{Hug}}}} Melissa

The person you refer to as an associate is rathering a silly way of stating it. You don't have to call her a friend, but she is more than an associate. Well, the problem with wondering if you were wrong in telling her how you felt is that it is done and you can't take it back. Its how you feel and that's all there is too it. I too don't agree with abortion, but you said it. Now if you wish to apologize for it, you can, but if it is how you feel, leave it alone. I would suggest that you don't get caught up in the drama. One thing I've learned in the past couple of years is that I can only choose & live my life. I can't choose for anyone else. If she insists on continuing to talk to you about "her" problem, I would just let her know that you aren't interested in it. Cut her off when she brings it up by stating that you've already discussed it with her before and you don't want to reha**** again. Let her know it is an topic you don't want to deal with. If people don't believe her child is your cousins and it is that important to her, you've given your advice and you don't need to continue to repeat it with her. I would let her know that if you are uncomfortable discussing it with her any longer, and she continues, that you will no longer associate with her. It may be hard, but let her know and you control the outcome. Dr. Phil is one of my favorite people and has great adivse here: 1. You can not change what you don't acknowledge & 2. You teach people how to treat you. So, stand up for yourself and stop her if you are getting annoid (sp) with her. She is the one with the problem...not being able to convince others of her child's parentage, and it matters very much to her what others think of her or she wouldn't keep bringing it up. But it is her problem, not yours. You've offered your advice & opinion and that's all there is to it. I'd say move on even if she doesn't want to. Hope this helps, Lori 293/263/140

Thank you Lori, 2nd best advice I've had from this post. I was just telling my mother that I am going to stop talking to her because of this nonsense. I know who my girls father is and thats what matters to me. She is not women enough to get a DNA test to prove to my cousin that he is her sons father and as long as she does not get a DNA test, he is not going to acknoledge her, her son, or this unborn child. Hey, I am not the only one that suggested abortion, her mother and the father of the unbron child suggested it also. Well, Thanks for the comment...but I am done with it