i just did the hardest thing i've done in awhile

i know there's no answer or solution for this post and don't expect one. i'm just needing to vent. i'm sitting here near tears. why? because i thought that since i am at home for awhile i would get my pictures together in an attempt to scrapbook our history. my heart is bleeding right now. i'm coming face to face with pictures which have been buried for years. i'm seeing me at 450 lbs. i'm looking at the person i've spent the last 15 years being and it's hurting badly. another one of the reasons i'm writing this is because of the pre-ops out there. if you need an incentive to have surgery, take a close look at the picture you've become. i can see my dead eyes - my lack of hope. i can see myself watching my kids instead of playing with them. i see the clothes i was wearing through the years and remember wearing them and thinking i looked ok. OMG - i didn't. this is not about weight. this is about regret. the first time i talked to a dr re: WLS was about 13 yrs ago. why didn't i do it back then? why did i let everyone, including myself, talk me out of the procedure? my last 13 yrs are gone. i'll never get them back. i can't change that & it's a bitter pill to swallow. maybe i should have put this in my profile. it's a long post. but i'm kind of hoping someone who is pre op will read it and ask themselves the questions i didn't back then. for example: do i want to spend my next 10 -15 years of life, living half a life. if i live that long? how does my excess weight affect those i love? In 15 yrs will i regret not doing this? my brother and my father died this year. i will never, ever be able to share my success with them, or with my beloved mother in law, who passed away 3 years ago. they would have been so proud. writing this all out has helped me, but i know it can't change the past. i'm looking to the future - at least now i feel i have a future. and to anyone who is still reading this - i really am not seeking a response. i just had to get this out of my system. YA KNOW? thanks for listening. dorthe

Dorthe, You made this step when the time was right for you. Had you done it 13 years ago, you may not have been as "ready". Being successful at WLS takes a tremendous amount of commitment. I first checked into it 5 years ago, but, wasn't mentally "ready". I am now. This is the right time for us! You are a success now and your passed on loved ones probably know this! With Love and Understanding! Lori

Dorthe....(((((((((BIG BIG HUGS)))))))) I am pre-op and wanted to let you know that your post touched me. I am 27 years old, and I have made a committed decision to have WLS for all the reasons you listed...I dont "play" with my daughter, I sit on my butt and watch her play all alone....that breaks me heart and brings me to tears just writing about it. I want to give her a brother or sister but could never bear the weight of a pregnancy on top of what I already weigh. I want to smile and look happy, I want to be proud to have my picture taken with her and not be ashamed, and I dont want her friends asking her why her mommy is so fat. I am doing this for her as much as I am doing it for me, and I know that if I dont do it now, I will miss out on SO many things. I have taken a lot of heat from people that think I am crazy for doing this, and think terrible things are going to happen to me, but lets face it, terrible things already have happened, I am a 27 year old that feels 50.....I am tired, I have no energy, I dont enjoy going out and I am ashamed of the way I look. I NEED this change now, so I can be a better person and a better role model for my little girl. So thank you for your post, in a way I feel that your statements have justified my decision to do this when I am young. Karyn

You made me think ... I don't think there ARE many pictures of me in any of the albums around here ... and that's pretty sad too. It's sort of like I made myself not exist. I know you'll know what I mean. The pictures there are, aren't good ones, because I was always trying to get away from the camera, turning my head away, and or covering my face in some way. My Daddy and brother are gone too ... two of my biggest cheerleaders in life. I can't imagine what they'd be saying to me right now, but I know it would be all good. Thank you for your openness and sharing and here's (((hugs))) from my heart. Myra

Dorothy, Your post hit home BIG TIME! I've been sitting here trying to find clothes to wear home to visit and I know I'll see people I haven't seen in several years and I KNOW the first thing they'll think is: WOW look how much weight she's put on. I hate to say this and I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings by doing so but I think in my family I'm the resident fat person. My entire family has problems with weight but I'm by far the largest. (with the exception of ggrandma). I've noticed I don't look in mirrors that much anymore, I don't wear make up anymore or do my hair (two things I would never leave my house without doing before), my closet is empty except for some stained t shirts that I try to hide in. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to completely hide myself with clothes but it never works. NO matter how hard I try I can't escape this prison I've created for myself. I am not happy and haven't been really happy for quite sometime..which makes everyone around me tense. I'm moody, achy, and feel 100 yrs old. My surgeon told me I have old lady problems..that was a wake up call!! I know surgey is right for me but anytime those fears of "what if " start creeping up I'm going to read your post. Thanks Dorothy for sharing your very personal story with us it really means a lot!! {{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Jamie

I would just like to thank you Dorthe as well as the others that replied to your post. Each one of you have truly touched me with your words and stories and not only did it hit home... it made me refocus. I have been sitting in limbo the last few weeks waiting for a response from my surgeons office and so many doubts have crept in to my head about this procedure. Thank you all for reminding me why I am doing this. Thank you all for the WAKE UP call!!! SipeleK

Dorthe, Nothing to say...........just wanted to give you a (((((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))))))!! willby

{{{{{{{{{{Dorthe}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks for sharing something so personal and painful... It touched me.. I just want to say... 15 yrs ago this procedure wasn't what it is now.. You had it when your time was right... No, you can't get back that time.. but.. you can make all new memories from here on out. As for those loved ones that have passed.. I believe they are proud and do share in your success.. Personally I feel as if those who have passed never truly leave us... They're all with you and cheering you on!!!! OF course your smoer family is here cheering and screaming as well!!!

Nothing to say but... ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((DORTHE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Huggs, Ruth

Dorthe... When I read this post I thought to myself... WOW ... I feel the same way.. I have my whole life ahead of me and I want to live a life free of pain and the ability to do WHATEVER I want to.. I too have stopped caring about myself so much and worrying about my toenails, hair, and lipstick.. I have noticed a HUGE change as I have gained more and more weight.. Im sooo glad that you and I decided to make a change in our lives for the better... my mom always says those things that do not kill you only make you stronger... Look torward the future because you cant change the past HUGS Steph