Need Your Input Please

Hello everyone, I've been wrestling with a probelm now for 3 years and have finally come to the decision that I have to do something about it. Even if it is to just accept it. Sorry in advance if I have you praying for death before this story is over. My husband is an only child. His Mom has psychiatric problems. She has had them her whole life and has had it under control now for about 3 years. It runs in her family. Her sister has the same problem. My husband was the last living relative of his aunts too. About 3 years ago, the aunt and my MIL lived together. But they were terrible for each other and were unable to do that anymore. They needed supervision. My husband was in Iraq at the time and I was pretty overwhelmed to say the least about the whole "being responsible for the 2 crazy ladies thing". The easiest solution for me back then was to have them come here and live. They moved in 3 years ago. I sort of always knew we would get my husbands mom.....she's like an overgrown kid. But I am very very resentful about having the sister too. I take care of them, do their laundry, give them their meds, and take them to the doctor appointments. I do get paid for this service, and that came in real handy when I was out of work. Being that my husband is the aunts only relative, she is willing all of her assets to him when she dies. When I tried to put her in a home, my husband said that it would take all of her money and he considers that his nest egg. I tried to tell my husband that in this stage of my life....I'm trying to get rid of responsibilities, not acquire them. he doesnt understand why I'm so resentful..........he says they stay in their rooms all the time and only come out to eat. I'm not sure he realizes how much I am responsible for them. The icing on the whole cake is that my own Mom lives here too. Although she is very independent and does everything for herself. I just cant shake this resentment. I do get paid for taking care of them and my own mom gives us some money towards the utilities. I'm at a loss and feel like my life has been taken over by old ladies. I'm venting here but would also appreciate your own views on this. thank you and thank you for listening! willby PS: when I do broach the subject of them moving to a home.....my husband then says"what about your mom?"

ok - so - the first word that sprang to my mind was 'sainted'. followed quickly by 'stressed'. and after that i started to wonder how in the world you can have such a positive outlook on life - for the most part - with all you have to deal with. if it was me, i would see about getting someone in to help me. or i would consider finding something (a job, volunteer work, shopping) which would allow me to be out of the house alot of the time. and i would for sure get my husband to do more for his own family. a nest egg is a nice thing, but you really can't enjoy it if you've cracked up waiting for it. i'll pray for you willby. that's a tough spot you're in. and you're not alone, either. more of us - the sandwich generation - are finding ourselves with the same issues. taking care of parents and taking care of children, with no one taking care of us. please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. hang in there. hugs dorthe

OMG Willby, you are a very strong person to be dealing with this as long as you have. I could not ever imagine my MIL living with us, let alone the Aunt as well! You are definitely taking on too much responsibility and stress with all those people living in your house. Unfortunately i can't offer any advice on how to deal with it other than if your husband absolutely will not have them go, share some of the workload with him. You have to explain to him why you feel resentful if he doesnt understand. It must be awful to have raised your kids and still feel like you are taking care of his mother and Aunt as well. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope someone else has some better advice to give you than I can. I wish I could help more, but I am here to listen any time. Karyn

Sorry and I know it sounds harsh.. but you have your own life to lead... Kick them to the curb... OK find them a nice place and move them out. Time to clean house Willby dear.... As for his "nest egg"... it's cracked like him because he's not the one earning it... I know what they pay for taking care of folks like you are and it's not worth it and it's seldom enough to make a difference. As for your mom living there... she's independent and they are completely dependent and that's a HUGE difference. Besides he sounds selfish by going there doesn't he?? Like why can YOU have something and he can't. Apples to Oranges... You have fought long and hard to get your life back.. don't waste another minute of it...Visiting them a few times a month and knowing they are taken care of would be the best feeling.. AND you having some time for yourself... You may want to go on strike one of these days and show him how much work is innvolved since he thinks they are merely room decorations waiting to be cashed in.

Willby WOW!! Girl you have your hands so full it is a wonder your so stressed. I am so sorrry for you having to deal with all of this without help. I know you said that you get paid for it. But where is YOUR TIME to yourself??? It sounds like if your not takeing care of your hubby then it's his Mother or Aunt, or helping with your Mother. And it isnt like a regualr job. Let me explain before everyone freaks out on me. What I mean is at a regular job you work 8 hours and then get to leave until the next day. Here you live it 24/7 I can see why your so stressed at times. Now as far as DH and his future nest egg goes. You can do it 2 ways. 1) Tell him that if he wants to live long enough to enjoy his nest egg to get off his butt and help. 2) Tell him to stay home and take care of them for 1 week to see what you have to do and then come back and talk to you. To see if he has changed his mind at that time. If not try contacting the Area Agency on Aging and see if they dont have someone to come in even for 3 or 4 hours a day. To take over with the ladys that way it gives you some alone time. I hope this helps you in some ways. And please feel free to vent to me and us anytime you need to thats what were here for!! Love Melissa

Hi, Willby: Have you thought of checking with a senior agency or the VNA regarding respite care for you for a couple of hours a day? Are they able to go to senior day care for a half-day? Maybe hire a college student or high school student to do some of the household chores (laundry, cleaning) so you don't have to? I think the burden wouldn't feel like such a big burden if you could get a break each day. It might be a workable option, and one that doesn't cost nearly as much as a nursing home. It's hard to be responsible for someone 24/7 if you don't ever get a break. Kix

Willby.....I am a lurker and a great admirerer of yours. You are funny and strong and you speak the truth no matter how painful. I can't tell you how many times you have put into words, what I have felt for many years. That said, you are a little dingy for taking on so much. Why do we, as woman, do that? I would just farm out everything I could. Go to the local Sr. center and ask for respite services, some times they can help and also help you plan if you go on vacation, or hurt your back, etc. Take their laundry somewhere and let someone else do it. Get a maid. Jez, if your husband wants the "nest egg" then he better shell out a little dough to maintain it. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, good luck

Willby, One thing this surgery forces us to do is to put ourselves first! You are doing that! It is healthy! Too bad your husband doesn't get it. I don't really see it as his choice since you have the burden. I really value my time, maybe I'm selfish, I don't know...it is how I see it though. Lori