what should I do?

I probably know the answer to this I am just so confused and hurt. I have lived with a man for almost five years now. With the promise that we would get married in the beginning but because of financial reasons we never did. Anyway I always felt cheated because if he dies I can loose everything and It is his home so his kids will sale it and I am out of a home. He doesnt think there is a problem with that. We fight everyday about something, usually because of the insercure feeling of the home. I am just so tired of the fighting. but I dont really have to worry about paying in living bills he pays all that. And I give him 400 dollars a month to help with that. He buys most of the groceries. He doesnt got that as help with the house payment. The house bills run about 700 all together including the house payment. All I have to worry about is my car and insurance. and internet bill. Am I being selfish because I want him to fix it wear I get the house if anything happens to him. I dont want to live him over a house, but dont I have the right to some security? I do own a old trailer that we rent but most of the time people dont pay no rent and they tear it up, so that it costs more to keep then it is worth. I have to pay lot rent on it also.

Hi Rie Rie, I don't think you are being selfish to want that AT ALL!! I mean look at this, you have invested 5 years of your life with this guy and you have paid over half of the household bills each month. I think it's absolutely appropriate for you to want to protect yourself in case something happens. It's probably easier said than done, and not to be blunt, but if he's worth your time, effort, and worries he should want you to have a little security in the case of something happening. I wish you the best of luck in this situation, and as you know there are no easy answers, just make sure you look out for yourself, ok?

Hi Marie I debated whether or not to start this post because I know it will be long. I have an aunt that is in your EXACT situation right down to owning the trailor. She has been with this man for her entire adult life and they were even married once and she divorced him so she could adopt a child( he is an alcholic and she was afraid it would hurt her chances of adopting and he didn't want to adopt)anyway, now she's back with him. After adopting her son she bought a house and everything was fine and BOOM she let him back into her life. He abuses her emotionally and physically. They are currently living in his house which she has NO rights to if anything happens to him. He has a savings account, checking account, she has NO rights to. They split the bills and grocery money. I can't understand it..?! I do not think you are selfish at all, if he's willing to share his life with you , he should be willing to make sure your cared for should something happen to him. Love is a powerful and strange thing and I think at least in my aunts case comfort or and familiar is a lot easier than just walking away. Even though she is in a relationship that isn't healthy for her she refuses to walk away..she thinks they will get remarried and she just sees things so much differently than I do. Let me back up here I don't want to say that your relationship is like hers in that he abuses you or anything but it is like hers in the sense that its the MEN being selfish not the women in these two relationships!! I think it depends on how much your willing to put up with..sit him down and say I NEED to know I will be taken care of if something happens to you. You NEED to do this for YOU and YOU need to make sure YOUR taken care of..He OWES you that Marie..Please look our for YOU!! Love ya, Jamie

since you asked. IMHO 5 years is a long time to be insecure about anything, but when it's because of the person you love, it's probably time to make some changes. you said you already know the answer to this, rie. i'd be interested in hearing what you think you should do. i'd get the renters out of the trailer, move back into it, and get on with my life. it may change his mind when he sees that you have other options. hope that doesn't sound too har****hink you're worth rie. and he should, too. hugs dorthe

Marie(((((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))) I dont have an opinion on this (ok..........I DO.............but ya know what it is) I just wanted to say "HI" and give you a hug! willby

Hi Rie, Home is about being secure--I think that is one of the meanings of home. It is a place that you can put your personal belongings and know that they will still be there. Home is a place that you can rest, be naked or hide from the world. Home is the nest that we decorate and clean or not clean and raise our brood. Our home is our haven where we spend our precious time with our spouses or partners. It is the one place that we can go when we are tired and weary to let our hair down or sleep--home is inviolate. I have to ask what is he thinking? Does he truly not want you to have the house? Does he think that he has provided for you by keeping your trailer so that you wouldn't be totally homeless and making sure he leaves his kids with something? Is it that he is expecting you to sock some money away for a rainy day since you don't have to give up your whole paycheck to bills? Men sometimes have a tough time saying what they think and feel in a way we can understand it. Relationships are hard work--my husband and I are constantly talking. We argue about or this or that--at times like two year olds. But I am always secure and if I'm not--I ask..... Mary http://www.cbem.com/mkppic.jpg

Probably not the most "sensitive" answer you'll get on this but I say.. make him the next 200lbs of ugly fat you lose... Seriously.. move on.. you deserve much better...You pay more than half of the monthly stuff and you pay your own insurance and internet... We're all too old for this stuff. You're not his room mate!!!! You do have a right to security and to be loved and treated as an equal... You said you know the answer... I think it's just hard to look at those answers when there aren't any good ones to see.

Hi Rie,, Oh sweetie, first off I want to send you big ole cyber hugs!!! He says he doesn't THINK there would be a problem if something happend to him with you staying in the home, sit him down and tell him you need to KNOW FOR A FACT, IN LEGAL PAPERS that is isn't going to be a problem. It isn't fair for you to pay over half of the payments and sit there day in and day out worrying and wondering about the "what ifs". Your being able to feel secure, should anything happens, needs to be a priority, not only for you, but him also!!! I wish you the best in your decisions sweetie, and always know we're all here for you, anytime!!! Theresa

I would not even begin to tell anybody what to do in a relationship, but, I would like to share the story of my brother and his live in girlfriend. My brother, Jr. and his girlfriend Barbara lived together for almost 20 years. They had 6 children together and never married. He went upstairs to go to take a nap one evening because he had a headache. He had a brain annyrisum (spelling?). He was in Intensive Care for about a week before he passed away. Barbara, although she was his life partner and the mother of his children could not even visit him in the hospital because she wasn't family (we insisted that she go in and they did allow it). After everything was over, his older daughter (different mom) came in and took claim to all of his belongings, including the car (they rented a home). We even had to go down to the social security office and sign documents saying we know those were his children in order for her to collect benefits for them. Sorry this is so long, but I thought I would let you know that you are correct, you will not have a legal leg to stand on if something happens to him.

Hi Rie. I am going to weigh in on this because I just recently discussed the same kind of situation with my partner. As lesbians, we have no legal rights. We jointly own our vehicles, but if something were to happen to either of us, either of our families could insist the surviving one sell off joint assets to pay off the deceased person's share. We are now talking about buying a home...and the same situation would apply. As adults with assets, you and your boyfriend should both have wills. If he does not want to leave you the house in the will, I'd ask him WHY. If he feels the trailer you own should be enough for you...well, if it were me, I would say "fine" and then start contributing only enough money to cover my own share of the house bills so the rest of my money could go to fixing up this trailer. Just my .02 Lisa L.