Low Self Esteem

First I wanted to thank everyone so far that has emailed me or posted about the possible "tough love" board on the main message board. The comments from each of you are very helpful. I wanted to just touch on some things for myself. I've been obese all my life, since around age 5 I was told that I was getting "over weight". My parents where both obese. I picked up a lot of their eating habits and some they where better on like eating veggies, I never really did. I was one of those people that when someone picked on me I would ignore them. My mom always told me that was the best approach. All throughout my schooling, I have picked on daily. Some of the worse names you can imagine. I would come home daily upset and would quickly run to food for my support, even hiding food. As the years passed I quickly started to really get angry... I was angry because for all these years I had allowed these bullies to call me names. I was in high school, and this one kid who I might add was also "fat" came up to me and kept on and on. I had finally had enough, so he got a reaction. I turned around and grabbed him by the shirt collar. I said how dare you call me such names, have you looked at yourself lately. Everyone in the hall mouths dropped a mile. The nice quiet Amy they all knew had now suddenly had it. It was that point on that people treated me different and I didn't hear as many direct comments to me. I still had the worse time of my life because of my schooling and the day I graduated, I wasn't like most people all unhappy and sad to see my friends go, I didn't have many. I was actually deep within my soul relieved to never have to go back to that hell again. I would no longer have to wake up and pretend to be sick because inside my stomach was in knots from stress in worry. It was honestly because of my low self esteem and worry that I didn't do as well as I could of in school because I couldn't concentrate. I've been out of school now for over 10 years, but I will say that those who hurt me made a major impact on my life, they damaged how I thought about myself, even through I ignored them that didn't lessen the words they had said to me or the hurt I dealt with daily. I've been very lucky to have found a husband who cared for me, he saw the damage that these people did to me and worked with me to feel good about myself again. Even after all this time the pain, and hurt live with me. It's not something you can erase out of your memory. I even now have dreams about my schooling years. It's something I struggle with everyday and made me not want to leave my house. I'm a very homely person because of this too. Probably something that I'll never change, I like having my little safe haven. When I'm home I feel safe from the world. It's not a good feeling to want to not live in the world. I'm thankful daily that although it's through cyber space that I have a place I feel safe at. I've said all this to say this, when you reply to someone on the boards remember, you don't know their personal back ground, you don't know where they came from. Maybe they had a perent who verbally abused them and your response really set them off somehow, maybe you didn't intend for it to come out the way you worded it, who knows. But like myself, there are things in life that come back to me with a simple word and my defense goes up. We can all be tough and still be tactful about it, it's not about enabling someone, it's understanding that we each have different wants and needs and we don't know what lies on the other side of this monitor. It might be someone on the breaking point with a bottle of pills in hand. So when you answer try to be understanding with your response. I'm not saying let's all be sweet and kind, YES be yourself, but also bear what I've said in mind, we don't know how that person is emotionally. I've been told I'm too sweet or nice, I'm sorry for those who might think this, that is me. I was abused too much growing up by others and I wouldn't expect coming to any support group online or off and get treated badly. I've got tough skin and I've seen those words thrown around here, about get some "tough skin", but some people are too fagile and they don't get that tough skin. Think before you reply to someone please. Hope everyone is having a Happy Easter. Amy

Morning Amy! I hope this was an "across the boards" post because it's superb! Thanks so much for being willing to share with us, because we've all experienced so many similar experiences, but can feel we're all alone in that. It helps when another steps forward and lets us know they've "been there, done that" and come out the better for it. I started to post a reply last night to your post in the main forum about the idea of a "tough love" type of forum, but stopped before I submitted it. This morning, though, I've thought a bit more about it and I'd like to give you my feedback for what it's worth ... I'd have reservations about a forum like that for fear that someone or lots of someones would take the "tough" part way further than necessary. Do people need to be told the truth? Always! Does it have to be in a blunt, hurtful manner? Never! What good would we be doing if we scared off the very people we're here everyday to support (?) ... and I'm afraid that's what would happen. Like you I believe my skin has become pretty thick after all the insults and barbs endured as an SMO ... but I've also got my weak spots that someone could stab into with their "tough love" ... just like everyone else has weak spots. I was raised to not hurt back just because someone hurt me, but not all people will adhere to that principle. I think it was Marian *****plied to your post in the main board that there will always be those who've been hurt who just want to pass on the hurt to make themselves feel better ... and I think that's true. And like Marian, I worry about the newbies and fragile souls who could feel demoralized and/or be scared away from OH by negativity rather than positive support. Maybe this idea was born from the criticism in that *other site's* "monthly rant" that some of us found so offensive (I'm one who thought it was an inappropriate thing to do) ... which basically inferred we "mollycoddle" each other too much rather than call each other to task for errors. And .. maybe we *do*! But I don't think negativity in any manner is the way to support ... IMHO it's the way to divide, not unify. We can be honest with each other and still be positive and kind with our words ... after all ... as your post has reminded us ... we've ALL *been there, done that* and have the internal scars to prove it. Thanks for letting me add my penny's worth of opinion on this subject and THANKS moreover for being the SWEET, KIND and CARING (and DARING) person you are. My hat is off to you!! All the best your way, from SE Missouri Myra G

Thanks for your reply Myra, I know you are right. The tough love board is probably never going to happen, I would never want it to be a place for a free for all I really appreciate your kind words to me, I needed them, I've had a really hard past couple of days and feeling down. So thank you. Amy