Worst news in my life...need help on ideas from my second family

I've spoken of my best friend Allison here and the struggles she's had this past year with stage 2B breast cancer.  Good news is that she successfully completed chemo 8 weeks ago, had a double mastectomy 6 weeks ago, and is doing well with the expanders that they placed in her breast area. The breast cancer was erradicated.  Horrible news, is that yesterday we got a confirmed diagnosis that the cancer has metastisized to her bones.  She has 6 areas through her body that are positive for cancer and she is stage 4B.  The doctors are no longer treating her with intent to cure her cancer, but only treating her with the intent to prolong her life.  Those words scare me more than I can describe.  I'm pissed and want to blame anything that moves, but I know that is the wrong reaction.  I'm going to lose my best friend and I have to tell you my heart has broken into a million pieces.  She is married with 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 4.  Her 4 year old is special needs and so desperately needs her Mommy.  Her children are like my own, I love each of them dearly. 

So....since I can't do a ******g thing to make her cancer just disappear, I'm turning to all of you.  We have time, maybe a lot of time.  She could live as long as 10 years or more with aggressive treatment.  That's best case.  So, I'm trying to think of things we can do to preserve Allison's love for her children.  I know pictures and videos for sure, but I'd like to hear from you anything special you've ever heard of others doing for terminal patients.  I'm SO not creative and will soak up any and all advice you guys have.  Allison is surround with family and many friends, and I just want to make the last years of her life as special as possible for her, and do things to preserve her beauty for the kids to reflect on when she has passed on.  Omg, just typing these thoughts out hurts so bad, my tears just won't  turn off.  I've been awake all night, literally minus 5am-6am when I finally let go until the kids got up for school. 

So please OH family, send me your ideas.  Because I really need them right now. 

Love you guys,

Lori

I lost my best friend a few years ago. She had two wonderful children and I still worry about them today. It's a sad story, but I won't go into it. I just want to let you know that I understand the pain you're going through. I understand too much.

Besides pictures and videos, you could see if she's up to keeping a journal of thoughts and ideas. Or poems etc. and loving wishes for her chldren. That's all I can come up with right now.

Just to let you know, if you need to talk, you can call me anytime. I changed my phone number so i'll PM it to you.

Just so  you know. Stay strong and enjoy her for as long as she's here. Treasure each and every day.

Love you,

Dana

I know this is so hard for you and I'm thinking of you as you deal with this.

One thing that I didn't do that I wish I had was to write down all of my Mother's recipes. The ones she kept in her head. All of the favorites she would make. I wish I had them written down so I could make them the same way she did. Her kids may not appreciate somethng like that while they are so young but they will treasure it when they are older and they look back on thier childhood favorites that she cooked for them. Just a thought.

This is a great idea, and something that I wanted to expand on.  I was reading a book by Alton Brown and he said that he was trying to replicate his grandmothers biscuit recipe.  He tried and tried, got all of the ingredients but his family time and time again said they were just NOT like grandmas.  Being the kind of man he is, he got into the science of it, checked the altitude, the weather, even the actual temperate of her oven.  After many times of trying and making sure he got the recipe EXACTLY right, he tried again for his family, but still they said, NOT AS GOOD!

He thought he would go to her house and watch her make the biscuits, it was hard to watch because she was old and her hands were very arthritic but still she made them by hand and even though it hurt her hands so much she still did the biscuits.  That is when it hit him, the WAY she handled the dough because of her painful hands was the secret.  He changed the way he handled the dough and alas the biscuits turned out JUST like his grandmothers.

My point is that along side with writing down all the recipes how about a video journal of her MAKING the recipes?  Her kids could watch her on TV forever and make the dishes right along side of her whenever they wanted to.  Kinda like the Julia & Julia movie... Whatcha think?

I have heard of mothers writing letters to their children to be opened at certain times......when they turn 16, the night before their wedding, when they are expecting their first child, etc.

I'm so sorry to hear that she's now terminal. 

I am so sorry Lori, I just can't imagine.  Something a friend's Mother did when she knew she was dying was to get cards for each of her children for life events- graduating high school, college, weddings, births, Sweet Sixteen etc.  she left these to be handed out at the appropriate time, in each she said she wished she could be there and gave words of advice, and told them how proud of them she was, let them know what she was feeling during each of these events when they happened to her, so there was some history as well.  My friend treasured hers. 
Deb

 I think it's important to focus on the fact that she is STILL here!  Maximize her presence NOW.  Don't take on the stuff of the future.  You don't know what will happen.  Help her to keep on keepin on!  Help bring joy to her NOW.  You are living in "What Ifs".  The human will is an amazing thing.  It could propel her long into the future.  She may outlive you.  You don't know what is ahead.  Amazing things can happen.  Hold on to this present moment.  I am coming from the perspective of someone who lost a dear friend to cancer, she left her children and husband behind.  What hurt her the most was everyone reminding her that she was dying while she was still living.  Celebrate everyday she is here with her.  Keep a positive attitude around her.  Remind her that you are all in the present moment.  NOT the what ifs of the future. Trust me, there is plenty of time to deal with all that later...And pray! For her and for you.  I just sent up a prayer for all of you...

Lori, I am so sorry for you and Allison.  I know it is not like losing your best friend but I can relate to the cancer as my dad is struggling with cancer right now.  It is my dad so you know I have to expect to lose him at some point, but the hatred for cancer runs deep in my heart too.

One thing I can say is that my dad started going to the cancer center in Houston Texas - MD Anderson.  He travels from Florida to Houston often because they are what he says the BEST in cancer care.  The doctors in Florida gave him 5 years max to live but he came to TX and got into a study and that was over 10 years ago.  Bad news for him is he now has a new cancer -leukemia (damn cancer wont leave him alone) but he has turned to MD Anderson again and he is now getting into another trial and will begin a stem cell transplant in January.  While other doctors had told him to get his belongings together and expect to die in 18 months, this trial has the chance to CURE him. 

I don't know how far she has gone into looking at her options, but from my dads experience I would not take the idea lightly that nothing can be done, just IMO... I hope I am not stepping over the line by saying that.

As far as things to do, my suggestion would be to get on a few message boards for terminal patients and ask them, we all know what WE think is best for those patients, but going right to them, to learn first hand what they loved and appreciated most might be your best bet.

I am here if you need me, anytime, so please call or email if you need anything. 

Lori,
I'm so very sorry about your friend. That's so tragic and horrible and my heart goes out to you, her family and husband. I worked with a doctor who had cancer in his bones and with medication has been able to control it and keep it contained. He has had it for over six years now. I don't know if it is the same thing that your friend has, but from what I am told bone cancer is containable and treatable.

You could make a photo book and have them printed and then give them to the kids. Lots of online options there.  How about A CD of music that their mom likes, a journaled book of sayings or wisdom that she tells the kids.

Stay stong hon.

Maddie

I'm so sorry this is happening, Lori.  It's so sad.  As one person said, though, she's still here, so it would be a shame if the rest of her life became about how she's dying.  After all, in some way, we're all dying, but we need to live while we're here.  Along the lines of some of the other suggestions, I've also heard of letters and cards to be handed out at occasions.  I also know some just write letters for stages in life - letters for girls about how to handle boys in the teen years, how to handle the changes in those years, just motherly advice that's needed at different stages of a child's life that allow her to at least be there a little when they need that motherly advice. 

Sending you love at this really tough time.