Worst news in my life...need help on ideas from my second family
Amy Farrah Fowler
on 12/1/09 5:49 am
on 12/1/09 5:49 am
I've been following your posts about Allison, but haven't yet replied, mainly because I've been going through something similar with my nephew who was diagnose with leukemia at 12, and it's just to painful to even type about here.
I have spent the last few years being pissed that a 12 yo boy could get such a horrible diagnosis, then spend the next 8 years with complications and a ****ty quality of life, only to have another bout of cancer (likely caused by some of the very treatments for the leukemia) have the final word.
We thought last week they were treating a secondary cancer, and they said it has spread, and sent him home for home hospice instead. He doesn't have long. He sleeps most of the day now, mostly from the drugs to keep pain at bay. It's shocking how much can change over a few days.
Our biggest wishes now are that he have a few hours now and then to wake up, be pain free, and able to interact with loved ones before he goes. Just minimized suffering, and a few "real" minutes. That is the most we can hope for now.
I decided to share this, because if I've learned anything, it's that I wish I could have quit questioning why this was happening, spending my energy on anger (and it's so hard to do, because cancer is just so f-ing mean), and just made the most of the "good" time he had left. We always hoped for the best, but secretly knew the worst could be around the corner, and I just wish I'd told him how loved he is, every time I saw him, and done what ever fun stuff we wanted to do when we were together, rather than thinking there would be a better time in the future.
I HAVE seen miraculous things with cancer before, and I hope your friend has many wonderful years left, both for her sake, and her loved ones. What a wonderful friend you are to be thinking about making memories for her children, and looking for ways to help.
I'll add you and Allison and her family to my prayers.
I have spent the last few years being pissed that a 12 yo boy could get such a horrible diagnosis, then spend the next 8 years with complications and a ****ty quality of life, only to have another bout of cancer (likely caused by some of the very treatments for the leukemia) have the final word.
We thought last week they were treating a secondary cancer, and they said it has spread, and sent him home for home hospice instead. He doesn't have long. He sleeps most of the day now, mostly from the drugs to keep pain at bay. It's shocking how much can change over a few days.
Our biggest wishes now are that he have a few hours now and then to wake up, be pain free, and able to interact with loved ones before he goes. Just minimized suffering, and a few "real" minutes. That is the most we can hope for now.
I decided to share this, because if I've learned anything, it's that I wish I could have quit questioning why this was happening, spending my energy on anger (and it's so hard to do, because cancer is just so f-ing mean), and just made the most of the "good" time he had left. We always hoped for the best, but secretly knew the worst could be around the corner, and I just wish I'd told him how loved he is, every time I saw him, and done what ever fun stuff we wanted to do when we were together, rather than thinking there would be a better time in the future.
I HAVE seen miraculous things with cancer before, and I hope your friend has many wonderful years left, both for her sake, and her loved ones. What a wonderful friend you are to be thinking about making memories for her children, and looking for ways to help.
I'll add you and Allison and her family to my prayers.
Lori, I am so sorry about your friend. This is horrible for everyone concerned. My idea for preserving her love is to preserve her voice. Have her make a cd or dvd for each one of her kids. Have her tell each child her special memories with him or her and all the wonderful talents and gifts that are part of that child. I think Mothers have a gift to see the extra wonderfulness of their children. What a wonderful gift to leave those words in her own voice. Along with that she could tell them each her hopes and dreams for them. A little piece of their Mom just for them.
Don't cry anymore tears Lori, you have lots of work to do.
Take deep breaths...
As always, love you girl.
Paula
Don't cry anymore tears Lori, you have lots of work to do.
Take deep breaths...
As always, love you girl.
Paula
I am so sorry you guys are going through this. My dad never knew he was going to die and to some extent im glad we didn't. I couldn't imagine knowing that. When I was a senior in highschool my dad started to write me a letter for when I went away to college. he died before He gave it to me and my mom ended up finding it and printing it for me. I kept that letter and brought it with me.
another idea is to record her voice and her my sleeping one night. My bedroom is next to my parents and it took me the longest time to fall asleep because I never heard my dad snoring. I still wake up in the middle of the night.
we also still have my dads voice on the answering machine. it is only two words but at least we can still hear him when we check messages. alot of our family was angry or creeped out by it but after a while they thanked us for keeping it because it was comforting. the one thing I wish they had was those books they have at hallmark. they are christmas stories but you can record yourself reading it. that would have been great for when I have kids so they can have a story read to them by their grandpa.
another Idea is to write down all the family stories and things you want the kids to know and make it into a scrap book for each of the kids. Now all we have are memories of the stories dad told us and now people keep telling us we are wrong or that it wasn't true.
I hope everything is ok and I wish you the best of luck and all the strength.
Kelly
another idea is to record her voice and her my sleeping one night. My bedroom is next to my parents and it took me the longest time to fall asleep because I never heard my dad snoring. I still wake up in the middle of the night.
we also still have my dads voice on the answering machine. it is only two words but at least we can still hear him when we check messages. alot of our family was angry or creeped out by it but after a while they thanked us for keeping it because it was comforting. the one thing I wish they had was those books they have at hallmark. they are christmas stories but you can record yourself reading it. that would have been great for when I have kids so they can have a story read to them by their grandpa.
another Idea is to write down all the family stories and things you want the kids to know and make it into a scrap book for each of the kids. Now all we have are memories of the stories dad told us and now people keep telling us we are wrong or that it wasn't true.
I hope everything is ok and I wish you the best of luck and all the strength.
Kelly
"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. "
"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." ~Jacob A. Riis
Lori,
There's no easy way I know of to get around what you, your friend and her family are going through and are going to be forced to go through. But there is hope and there is no way to know how the coming years will actually turn out.
I'll tell you a bit about what happened in 1989 when they found a huge cancer at the end of my mothers colon. It had metastasized and was in her liver, lungs and just scattered all through her abdomen. She had been complaining about pain in her abdomen for over a year had done a colonoscopy and a myriad of tests, but her colon had an extra fold that normal people don't have, so when the scope was done, they didn't go far enough to see the cancer. The prognosis was grim; they said she had 30-90 days to live and that her quality of life would be horrible for what time she had left. She was only 59 and had always been athletic and active and healthy, she never smoked, drank alcohol or even coffee; she was always very health conscious, so this was all a very great shock to her and everyone who knew her.
Very early on, Mom decided that she would not just accept the fate that the doctors had given her and she started reading and studying about the cancer she had. She started eating a diet of concentrated "cancer" fighting foods like broccoli, cauliflower and a bunch of other things I can't remember. She also took charge of her treatment from the normal cancer doctors and paid very close attention to the treatments they wanted her to take picking and choosing which ones she would do and which she wouldn't do. She never spoke about dieing, always about living and always planning trips and activities to involve the family.
The tumors started shrinking and after about a year were all gone except one small one in her liver. She decided to aggressively attack that tumor with a chemo pump she could control and started that treatment. She would decide when to administer more chemo and was always pushing the limit of how much she could stand. The liver tumor got smaller and smaller and after 6 months was less than 1/4" in diameter. Then disaster; she overdid the chemo and it burned the inside of her mouth and throat so badly there were blisters and she had to lay off the chemo until the burns healed. During the time she was off the chemo, the tumor in her liver went wild and by the time she could get back on the chemo, it had taken over. She never could get back on top of it and 0n January 10, 1991 it finally killed her. Her last two months were horrific; it was the most horrible thing I have ever seen and probably what her doctors had envisioned for her the two year prior when they first found the cancer. Mom had 18 months of great life when the doctors told her she had none left and would be dead in 30-90 days and that those days would be a living hell.
The point of all this is that no one knows how this will turn out for your friend, but there is a very good chance she can live a long time and have a very good quality of life during the time she has left. The best advise I can give you is to do as my mother did, fight the cancer with everything you have, but never let it run your life or determine how you live. Live your life to the fullest, plan for the future and follow through with those plans. We will all die some day and no one knows how much time we have left, so live every day the best way you can and let what may happen in the future take care of it's self.
Kerry
There's no easy way I know of to get around what you, your friend and her family are going through and are going to be forced to go through. But there is hope and there is no way to know how the coming years will actually turn out.
I'll tell you a bit about what happened in 1989 when they found a huge cancer at the end of my mothers colon. It had metastasized and was in her liver, lungs and just scattered all through her abdomen. She had been complaining about pain in her abdomen for over a year had done a colonoscopy and a myriad of tests, but her colon had an extra fold that normal people don't have, so when the scope was done, they didn't go far enough to see the cancer. The prognosis was grim; they said she had 30-90 days to live and that her quality of life would be horrible for what time she had left. She was only 59 and had always been athletic and active and healthy, she never smoked, drank alcohol or even coffee; she was always very health conscious, so this was all a very great shock to her and everyone who knew her.
Very early on, Mom decided that she would not just accept the fate that the doctors had given her and she started reading and studying about the cancer she had. She started eating a diet of concentrated "cancer" fighting foods like broccoli, cauliflower and a bunch of other things I can't remember. She also took charge of her treatment from the normal cancer doctors and paid very close attention to the treatments they wanted her to take picking and choosing which ones she would do and which she wouldn't do. She never spoke about dieing, always about living and always planning trips and activities to involve the family.
The tumors started shrinking and after about a year were all gone except one small one in her liver. She decided to aggressively attack that tumor with a chemo pump she could control and started that treatment. She would decide when to administer more chemo and was always pushing the limit of how much she could stand. The liver tumor got smaller and smaller and after 6 months was less than 1/4" in diameter. Then disaster; she overdid the chemo and it burned the inside of her mouth and throat so badly there were blisters and she had to lay off the chemo until the burns healed. During the time she was off the chemo, the tumor in her liver went wild and by the time she could get back on the chemo, it had taken over. She never could get back on top of it and 0n January 10, 1991 it finally killed her. Her last two months were horrific; it was the most horrible thing I have ever seen and probably what her doctors had envisioned for her the two year prior when they first found the cancer. Mom had 18 months of great life when the doctors told her she had none left and would be dead in 30-90 days and that those days would be a living hell.
The point of all this is that no one knows how this will turn out for your friend, but there is a very good chance she can live a long time and have a very good quality of life during the time she has left. The best advise I can give you is to do as my mother did, fight the cancer with everything you have, but never let it run your life or determine how you live. Live your life to the fullest, plan for the future and follow through with those plans. We will all die some day and no one knows how much time we have left, so live every day the best way you can and let what may happen in the future take care of it's self.
Kerry
Im so sorry about your friend.
I agree with PP about letters to give to her children at certain points in thier lives. I also think that recipes is good. Asimple video diary where she shares her opinions on various things as well as sharing the childrens birth stories and her happiest memories with them would also be wonderful. However, I think that making the most of the years that she does have left will also be vitally important so taht she is living until the end and not just waiting for the end.
Again I am so very sorry.
She will be in my prayers.
Ami
Adoptive mom to 3 children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders 
(((hugs)))
You've had some excellent suggestions. I love the recipe idea, and the cards or letters to be opened at milestones in her children's lives. I also think it's crucial not to focus too much on death. We're all going to die, and it could be today, or in 50 years. The present moment is everything we have, so make the most of it!
You've had some excellent suggestions. I love the recipe idea, and the cards or letters to be opened at milestones in her children's lives. I also think it's crucial not to focus too much on death. We're all going to die, and it could be today, or in 50 years. The present moment is everything we have, so make the most of it!
Hi Lori,
This is terrible news.... I hate hearing these things it breaks my heart for her and her family and friends.
I've been read about cancer --- Most people when they are sick the acid PH level is high. Cancer patients have a high acid ph. I've read stories/testemonials (not sure if there true) but changing your PH to closer to normal and you will be cancer free! Sounds easy on paper. I read a lady went on an organic high alkaline food regime and it cured her cancer and is living cancer free.
I remember she had a juicer and was making these high alkaline drinks made with the best organic ingedient.
You can get the PH strips at any phamacy to check your ph levels.
The list is NOT DS FRIENDLY! as protein is high in acid.
http://www.energiseforlife.com/list_of_alkaline_foods.php
I believe our mind can change whats going on inside our body. A great read "molecules of emotion" talks about using your mind to change the molecules in your body to become healthy.
Pray.... has a church pray for her or us! Other people praying for someone they don't know for healing. They say it works. I'll say a prayer for Alison and wish her a long healthy happy life.
Faith healers is another option. My father went to one and the man in front of him had cancer and he did get cured!(as per my dad). My father had cronic knee pain and that was cured! I think I'd believe anything if it could cure me.
So sorry for you and Alison(frustrating not being able to help someone you love) She's lucky you will be with her, many people run when they see sickness because they are afraid and sad to be around all the sadness.
I'm truely sorry for everyone involved. I breaks my heart too. Hope these suggestions work.
Love is free so make sure Alison knows she is loved and we are praying for her.
Debbie
This is terrible news.... I hate hearing these things it breaks my heart for her and her family and friends.
I've been read about cancer --- Most people when they are sick the acid PH level is high. Cancer patients have a high acid ph. I've read stories/testemonials (not sure if there true) but changing your PH to closer to normal and you will be cancer free! Sounds easy on paper. I read a lady went on an organic high alkaline food regime and it cured her cancer and is living cancer free.
I remember she had a juicer and was making these high alkaline drinks made with the best organic ingedient.
You can get the PH strips at any phamacy to check your ph levels.
The list is NOT DS FRIENDLY! as protein is high in acid.
http://www.energiseforlife.com/list_of_alkaline_foods.php
I believe our mind can change whats going on inside our body. A great read "molecules of emotion" talks about using your mind to change the molecules in your body to become healthy.
Pray.... has a church pray for her or us! Other people praying for someone they don't know for healing. They say it works. I'll say a prayer for Alison and wish her a long healthy happy life.
Faith healers is another option. My father went to one and the man in front of him had cancer and he did get cured!(as per my dad). My father had cronic knee pain and that was cured! I think I'd believe anything if it could cure me.
So sorry for you and Alison(frustrating not being able to help someone you love) She's lucky you will be with her, many people run when they see sickness because they are afraid and sad to be around all the sadness.
I'm truely sorry for everyone involved. I breaks my heart too. Hope these suggestions work.
Love is free so make sure Alison knows she is loved and we are praying for her.
Debbie
Lori,
I am truly sorry about your best friend. She and her family are so lucky to have you in their lives. I am sure just you being there means a lot to Allison.
Last Christmas, my sister's best friend was diagnosed with BC and had a double mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy as the cancer had spread to her ovaries. She also has three young daughters about the same age as your friend's kids. She took her girls to one of those build a bear workshops so they could have an activity together that they'd remember. You can also record something so that when you squeeze the bear, plays it back. So she recorded for each girl how much she loves them. And the girls made one for her. It's just something small but I know its something her kids will always treasure.
Lori, please make sure to take care of yourself, too.
I am truly sorry about your best friend. She and her family are so lucky to have you in their lives. I am sure just you being there means a lot to Allison.
Last Christmas, my sister's best friend was diagnosed with BC and had a double mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy as the cancer had spread to her ovaries. She also has three young daughters about the same age as your friend's kids. She took her girls to one of those build a bear workshops so they could have an activity together that they'd remember. You can also record something so that when you squeeze the bear, plays it back. So she recorded for each girl how much she loves them. And the girls made one for her. It's just something small but I know its something her kids will always treasure.
Lori, please make sure to take care of yourself, too.
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