Worst news in my life...need help on ideas from my second family
Journal and life books...if she becomes too ill to write, tape record because her precious voice will be priceless. What was her childhood like? What did she want to be when she was a girl? How did she meet their father? How did she feel when she found out she was pregnant with them? What wishes and dreams did she have for them? What was their birth like for her? etc...It does not have to be scrapbook fancy, random notes and letters to get down her heart is the most important. When we hold the kids grief camp, the children bring these momentos with them to share and it helps them to feel connected to their parent who is gone physically, but always with them in their hearts and memories. Have plenty of kleenex on hand, this gets very emotional. It's not because she's going to die right away, it's placing a priority on the things that mean the most to her and focusing the energy on those things. E-mail me if you need to talk or want more ideas. My heart goes out to you, she is so young and these kids are so small!
First, of course, have all things in order, including funeral plans, as horrible as it sounds - it takes the burden off the suffering souls left behind.
Does she have a life insurance policy? Can her family 'live' with only getting 50% of that when she passes? Does the policy have (I can't remember what it's called) where she can take out 50% of it with a terminal diagnosis? When my friend was diagnosed as terminal, he took that 50%, took care of some things he didn't want his wife having to deal with alone (paying off vehicle, getting the house painted, replacing the furnace - stuff a guy would do), and then they took what was left of that 50% and 'made memories' for his wife and kids to have after he was gone. The did a big family vacation, documenting everything with words and pictures; he and his wife then took a romantic cruise; she went to part-time at her job so they could spend more time, in their limited time, being a family and making memories that would live on after he died - in whatever ways seemed important to them. When he couldn't sleep, he wrote - whatever was on his mind at the time. She saved every piece of electronic and paper correspondence they received - she didn't realize what a 'time warp' like feeling she had, until she went back later and read them. So much she hadn't remembered because her brain was in a different place and in a sort of 'cancer induced fog' while he was fighting the cancer. She also wrote. Details of everything to a timeline with diagnosis to the burial. She didn't have time to digest all the things going on around her while their lives were in a 'different mode', and used all those things to sort through the last year and a half and work through her stages of grief that she didn't/couldn't/wouldn't take the time to do at the time. They focused their life in the here and now, and on leaving her and the kids ok, physically, financially, and emotionally the best as they could.
Does she have a life insurance policy? Can her family 'live' with only getting 50% of that when she passes? Does the policy have (I can't remember what it's called) where she can take out 50% of it with a terminal diagnosis? When my friend was diagnosed as terminal, he took that 50%, took care of some things he didn't want his wife having to deal with alone (paying off vehicle, getting the house painted, replacing the furnace - stuff a guy would do), and then they took what was left of that 50% and 'made memories' for his wife and kids to have after he was gone. The did a big family vacation, documenting everything with words and pictures; he and his wife then took a romantic cruise; she went to part-time at her job so they could spend more time, in their limited time, being a family and making memories that would live on after he died - in whatever ways seemed important to them. When he couldn't sleep, he wrote - whatever was on his mind at the time. She saved every piece of electronic and paper correspondence they received - she didn't realize what a 'time warp' like feeling she had, until she went back later and read them. So much she hadn't remembered because her brain was in a different place and in a sort of 'cancer induced fog' while he was fighting the cancer. She also wrote. Details of everything to a timeline with diagnosis to the burial. She didn't have time to digest all the things going on around her while their lives were in a 'different mode', and used all those things to sort through the last year and a half and work through her stages of grief that she didn't/couldn't/wouldn't take the time to do at the time. They focused their life in the here and now, and on leaving her and the kids ok, physically, financially, and emotionally the best as they could.
5' 5" - 317.5 / 132 / 134 SW / CW / GW
I am so sorry!! Does she know Jesus Christ as her personal Savior...He is what she/all of us needs the most!! I hope you all the best days, months and years you all could ever have!! I want to with you all a Very Merry Christmas!!! God Bless you all!!
"Live each moment as tho you may not have another!!!"
Oh, make me just bawl my eyes out! I'm so thankful you have a best friend. You are very lucky. Not everyone can say that, you know? Who knows what the future holds for your friend. Miracles can happen. Enjoy your time with her while you have her.
I don't know your beliefs, but I will definitely keep you and she in my prayers. I know facing death only begins to be bearable by knowing what's on the other side--eternal life with Jesus, our loving savior, who is the best friend ever!
Don't mean to be preachy, just want to share my hope with you. We all need a little hope to keep us going!
{Hugs}
Michelle
I don't know your beliefs, but I will definitely keep you and she in my prayers. I know facing death only begins to be bearable by knowing what's on the other side--eternal life with Jesus, our loving savior, who is the best friend ever!
Don't mean to be preachy, just want to share my hope with you. We all need a little hope to keep us going!
{Hugs}
Michelle
Michelle
(((Lori)))
The only thoughts or advice I have is to allow your friend the freedom to set the pace through all things, to allow yourself the freedom to be authentic, and to allow everyone the space to grieve in their own way.
I lost a good friend to breast cancer, too, and I'm losing my FIL to lung cancer. CANCER SUCKS.
What I cleave to are the memories I've been able to share with each of them: when both were feeling okay or were in remission, we did things together and had shared experiences. With my friend, we'd have potlachs and do pottery painting at a different friends' house on a regular basis; when it became clear she wouldn't survive the cancer, we threw a huge catered party at her house and invited all of her family and friends, making her our celebrity guest of honor. Some of us roasted her, some of us could do nothing but stand at her side and hold her hand. With my FIL, we've travelled overseas with him, my MIL, and family friends; we've honored each of his birthdays and anniversaries with either parties or fancy dinners; we've attended theater/shows together too.
I guess my point is in both cases, we built/build memories while celebrating/living/mourning/enjoying whatever time is left together.
The only thoughts or advice I have is to allow your friend the freedom to set the pace through all things, to allow yourself the freedom to be authentic, and to allow everyone the space to grieve in their own way.
I lost a good friend to breast cancer, too, and I'm losing my FIL to lung cancer. CANCER SUCKS.
What I cleave to are the memories I've been able to share with each of them: when both were feeling okay or were in remission, we did things together and had shared experiences. With my friend, we'd have potlachs and do pottery painting at a different friends' house on a regular basis; when it became clear she wouldn't survive the cancer, we threw a huge catered party at her house and invited all of her family and friends, making her our celebrity guest of honor. Some of us roasted her, some of us could do nothing but stand at her side and hold her hand. With my FIL, we've travelled overseas with him, my MIL, and family friends; we've honored each of his birthdays and anniversaries with either parties or fancy dinners; we've attended theater/shows together too.
I guess my point is in both cases, we built/build memories while celebrating/living/mourning/enjoying whatever time is left together.
*~ Aimee ~*
Captain Obvious and wearing the Literal Hat since 2005
Captain Obvious and wearing the Literal Hat since 2005
I'm useless at this sort of thing, but I'm so sorry you and your friend have to go through this, Lori.
Cancer sucks.
Cancer sucks.
sw:298/cw:152/no goal set
"Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open." --J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
"Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open." --J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Oh Lori......my heart breaks for her and her family....how horrible. What a wonderful friend you are, and bless your beautiful heart. I do have a few ideas, though they may have already been brought up (haven't read the whole thread).
1. It would be great if she made tapes of herself reading stories to her children as they grow up, and her grandchildren when they are born.
2. Her kids could all make scrapbooks of what their mother means to them, and all of the good memories, how much they love her.
3. Lockets for everybody, each of the kids with a locket of their mothers hair, mom with a locket of her kids hair.
4. Going to an art therapy center, and having the whole family paint (pastels are so easy to use) a family portrait, or a special memory, or anything at all. Art therapy has been so beneficial to me in dealing with the loss of my son.
5. She could make a scrapbook for each of her kids and hubby to keep forever.
6. Writing letters for special moments in her kids lives, when they graduate, get married, have children, high school prom, first boyfriend etc...
7. Making a CD with all of her favorite songs, and giving one to each child. Making a CD for each child with special songs just for them. Kids could make a CD for mom to listen to when she is hurting, sad, weary...
I hope those are some helpful ideas. I have dealt with death not only personally, but as a Nurse, and some of these things have been so helpful...
Lots of love to you Lori, and tell your friend and her family that there are many people thinking of her...
1. It would be great if she made tapes of herself reading stories to her children as they grow up, and her grandchildren when they are born.
2. Her kids could all make scrapbooks of what their mother means to them, and all of the good memories, how much they love her.
3. Lockets for everybody, each of the kids with a locket of their mothers hair, mom with a locket of her kids hair.
4. Going to an art therapy center, and having the whole family paint (pastels are so easy to use) a family portrait, or a special memory, or anything at all. Art therapy has been so beneficial to me in dealing with the loss of my son.
5. She could make a scrapbook for each of her kids and hubby to keep forever.
6. Writing letters for special moments in her kids lives, when they graduate, get married, have children, high school prom, first boyfriend etc...
7. Making a CD with all of her favorite songs, and giving one to each child. Making a CD for each child with special songs just for them. Kids could make a CD for mom to listen to when she is hurting, sad, weary...
I hope those are some helpful ideas. I have dealt with death not only personally, but as a Nurse, and some of these things have been so helpful...
Lots of love to you Lori, and tell your friend and her family that there are many people thinking of her...
Emilie, mom, wife, Nurse........superhero
It's about the Wow's!
It's about the Wow's!
Oh Lori - I'm so sorry for the news. I know you all must be devastated, and I'll continue to hold you and Allison and your families in the light. But to offer a different perspective - sometimes this can be a really positive time. You all can stop focusing on all the tests and treatment choices and decisions, not to mention the treatments and side effects themselves, and instead turn your energies and full attention to each other.
Like so many others here have said, really and honestly - all we have is this moment. None of us have any idea what the next may hold. Being a cancer survivor myself (and one who was given a less than 20% chance of survival 16 years ago) I try my best to just live moment to moment. Of course, we do have to be practical and make plans, but we can live in the moment while making the plans. Life's all about the journey!
A really fantastic book that changed my life is Cancer as a Turning Point by Lawrence LeShan. Holy cow - I just looked it up on amazon to be sure it's still in print and they have it listed as a bargain book for $1.75 right now! Great price for a priceless book! It's mostly about finding and doing the things that give your life meaning and joy, but he also talks about the mind-body effect this can have on disease. It truly helped me to turn what could have been a very dark time into one of the best experiences of my life (outcome aside - those were some of the richest, most meaningful years ever).
And please don't forget yourself in all of this Lori. Take good care, and PM me if you need to talk.
Sending much love,
Laura
Love you Lori! Lots of great suggestions posted here already -- I just wanted you to know that you and Allison and both families are in my thoughts and prayers.
We have to find a cure for the big C!
I hope you can find a way to move past your anger and frustration with the pain of the diagnosis and help Allison have a normal "now". She needs as much nomalcy as she can possibly have -- and it will be something her kids (and she) will cherish. Don't let the future ruin the present,
Deb
We have to find a cure for the big C!
I hope you can find a way to move past your anger and frustration with the pain of the diagnosis and help Allison have a normal "now". She needs as much nomalcy as she can possibly have -- and it will be something her kids (and she) will cherish. Don't let the future ruin the present,
Deb
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