Personality change post-surgery?

I never went through the whole crazy hormone rush that everyone seems to talk about experiencing. I guess I'm just a freak! I didn't even have the weepy period, I've just been ecstatically happy since coming home from the hospital. It might have something to do with the Paroxetine (generic Paxil) that I take or maybe I am just so happy to finally have control over my weight or because my joints don't hurt anymore. I don't know.

My hubby says that I'm much happier now. I think the only thing that worries him a little is that now I'm wanting to go out and meet new people, when before I didn't even want to leave the house. I think he felt "safe" that I was always at home. I don't think he is nervous that I'd cheat, because I wouldn't, but just that things are a little different now. Change is scary, but I just want to go out and live life now!

I can see how your SO would be nervous, but just try to keep reassuring him that you are NOT his ex-wife and even though you might go through some rough patches, you will always be the same person that you are now.

Good luck!
Jules

I agree with what everyone in prior posts here said to you. Strong relationship gets stronger after WLS, etc.

I just want to point out one thing and it may be harsh, but I hope you will take it in the spirit in which is intended.

You said your SO had an ex-wife who was obese, too. You may want to ask him to examine his feelings about fat women...maybe he LIKES his women fatter and that is part of the problem. He may be a prince and all, but some princes are chubby chasers and don't even know it until that beloved woman gets thinner and "mysteriously" becomes a "super *****" Then their insecurities come out because they no longer have the grateful chubster at their beck and call every night and day. The chubster starts to have some power and it is uncomfortable to the one who perceived he had the power in the relationship.

There is NO excuse for cheating, in my opinion, but maybe the cause and effect of his ex's cheating is a little different than HE experienced it. Maybe he felt insecure because she got thinner and that contributed to their demise. You only know his side and what his family and friends tell you. I imagine the ex-wife has a very different perspective.

Just a thought to consider.

ETA: If anything, my husband (who has never dated a heavy woman before me) says my personality is the same, but a little "quieter" since my DS.

Nicolle

Ohhhhhh.....you are voicing the teeny fear I keep shutting up in my head.

No no no, he loves me and I'm not sure his ex was really big when they first got together...

Nevertheless, I'm not going to NOT have the surgery over worries he won't love me thin. He either will, or he won't, but I will be healthy.

But he loves me.

We all have teeny fears in our heads. And sometimes it takes perfect strangers on a message board to say them out loud for us. (And BTW, I AM a "perfect" stranger--NOTHING wrong with me!)

As long as you both are going into this with open eyes and can talk about these things, I think you will be okay. Even so, your health matters more, at this point. He can stay along for the ride or not. And it will be a helluva ride that he shouldn't want to miss!

Best of luck to you!

Nicolle

I can only speak for me but here's my experience so far -

80 lbs ago the world told me I was unacceptable.  Without realizing it, I believed them.  I didn't even realize I had felt this way until the weight started coming off and parts of my personality started to change.  I always felt the need before to say what i thought, to prove I was acceptable, to make my point known, to be funny and loud.

I'm a lot quieter....or I should say I'm a lot more still.  I don't have to say everything I think.  I do allow anger in more freely  - didn't before because no one would like me if I was angry, right?  Now I see anger can have value. 

I'm still me.  Especially with my close friends and husband.  Still me.  Still talkative and silly.  But yes, there are changes.

And then - there's the hormone dumping.  THAT is when I turn into a crying, screaming, ranting pyscho.  Some people find it helps to go on medication and it's good to keep your mind open to that if you have a particularly hard time with the hormone dump as the weight loss comes off.

I found that therapy has been working for me and frankly, I have no idea how anyone gets through this without a good therapist.  There is absolutely nothing in life that prepares one for total body transformation in a short period of time.  And with the hormone dump, therapy helps me rationally realize this is a chemical change I'm experiencing in that moment, not a time to make big emotional choices. 

I also get why a lot of marriages split up.  I'm not concerned about mine, but I can see how it happens, even with an amazing, supportive husband like I have.  I think the key is to keep talking.  Talk about how things are changing for you.  Talk about how you feel.  Wake up and say 'I am in a *****y mood, it's not you, it's probably hormones today so please, just steer clear'. 

But all the new sexual attention when you're whole life you've been invisible?  It's very enticing.  I get why people fall into that trap of cheating.  I guess you just have to choose to be smarter and stronger than the trap. 

Of course if a marriage is bad, the new strength and confidence will hopefully get you out of it (as seems to happen a lot).

You're smart for asking the questions.  I can't stress enough how highly I recommend getting a therapist now and start preparing for the next year or so of your life.  It's a very exciting time, but I know I couldn't do it without help.

Good luck!

BTW - a dear friend pointed out to me that perhaps my personality hasn't changed, but rather the REAL me is being discovered and who I was before was a necessary artifice in order to survive the world of fat-hatred. 

I like thinking of it that way instead of our personalities changing - perhaps we are just becoming more us.

I've changed. I'm not some completely different person, but I have changed. The hormones are absolutely beastly post op, at least they were for me. I am still figuring myself out.

From what I see and have observed, personalities don't change, they emerge.      People who have been shunted or muted because of their weight begin to feel free to express the emotions they've always HAD, but never felt permission to express.

Your husband's ex missed out on the teen adolescent years of burgeoning sexuality and figuring out who she was a sexual being.    As you know, teenagers are rebellious, exploring, curious, and they are stuck somewhere between innocence and adult responsibility.    She had always *wanted* that attention, but her ability to experience it was delayed. 
Suddenly she was getting new attention, and had no life experience to teach her how to properly handle it, so - like many teenagers - she ran wild.     

People who have been discriminated against build up anger.    If someone treats you well in a situation they USED to treat you poorly, then the woman you are today begins to defend the woman you used to be.     You stand up for the person that wasn't getting support. in the past. 

This has nothing to do with whether or not you are in a relationship, but relationships can suffer if the spouse doesn't understand these dynamics.   

--BT 

I was just going to add that there is quite a bit of speculation or anecdotal evidence of the RNY changing people. To me it sounds like it is blood sugar related from not having the pyloric valve- food dumps into the small isntestine and then insulin spikes and then you have a blood sugar crash. Anyway, whatever the cause, a certain percent of RNYers do seem to become overnight alcoholics, or have significant personality changes. There are websites devoted to this.

It is actually one of the reasons I don't want an RNY. I am already blood sugar sensitive; somehow I am sure I would be one of the freaky ones if I went that way.

Maybe this is a reassuring idea? I agree though; as long as you are talking you should do OK.

This is not easy to write but I will say that I thought I had a great marriage going into my surgery.
All hell broke loose about two months after surgery.

Turns out my husband went trolling on the internet as soon as I made up my mind to have surgery  and started 3 or more cyber relationships, while ignoring me and our three children. He ended up going on a business trip 5 months after surgery and hooking up with one of them. Stayed in our marriage and kept telling me I was changing I had to do more for him. And god is my witness I tried and tried. I actually thought he was a chubby lover and my getting thinner was turning him off. The sh*t hit the fan 7 months after surgery when he decided to move out and get together with his one true cyber-love.

We were able to work it out and now 7 years later are in a better place than ever before. This was the most painful time of my entire life. Here surgery was giving me this healthier body and my heart and soul was being destroyed.

Long and short of it was it was not me it was him. His insecurities, his needs were put before me and our family. He had to grow up, I had to learn to forgive.

So you may not do anything you may still be the same person inside and it may not matter. The only person we can control is ourself.

I would say my kids and husband would say in many ways  I am much easier to live with the weight off my knees and arthritic joints has my pain level way way down. I had not realized how the pain affected me until it was basically gone. I find my ability to laugh greater!!