OT: would this pull your chain? TAKE ME TO FLORIDA

Most of you know I'm caregiver to my husband who has Parkinson's disease.  He's not bed bound (yet) but I do a lot of things for him.  I prepare his meals and set them in front of him. Help him dress.  Prepare his vitamins.  Take him everywhere he needs to go because he can't drive.

What really burns my ass (besides a flame about 3 feet high) is this.  He won't ******g ASK for something and say "please."  Instead, he might, for example, yell in his bedroom "GODDAMMIT!" while I'm at the complete other end of the house.  Now his eternal hope is that I will RUSH to his side to see what he wants or needs, but I don't.  I just don't react to this kind of ****  Today, he looked at this thumb and said, "I still have that hangnail I had last week."  Again, his eternal hope is that I will read between the lines, go into the house and get the  nail clippers and take care of it for him without him having to say another word.

I don't.

So he goes into the house and gets the nail clippers and comes out and HANDS them to me.  I quipped, "You could say PLEASE and ASK me."

So he get his Depends all in a wad and finally says, "Is there EVER any time I DON'T have to say please?"  and I said, "Well, actually, no.  It's just common decency."

He does this endlessly. He HINTS for something and almost always, I ignore him.  I do NOT want to be a trained dog doing his bidding without being asked outright or him having to say please or thank you.

What do you think?  Am I being too demanding?  Should I feel sorry for him because he has Parkinson's and do what he wants without him even having to ask?  I do an awful lot of things because they need to be done, without being asked, without being thanked.  I mean I do a BIG ******G TRUCKLOAD OF WORK now that he can barely do anything.  Lawn. Paperwork. TAxes.  Repairs.  Yardwork.  My business.  Housecleaning.  Chauffeur.  Cook.

I am tired.

pp

You are not asking too much if he has his facilties to be able to ask nicely.  His anger at his condition gets projected onto you.  You need a break and he needs some therapy to deal with his anger.

Hugs,
Ratkity

He does have the facility.  I think he just doesn't like being so "needy" so he doesn't want to admit he needs help by actually asking.

Bingo, Ms PP.  Thank God I have only ever been stricken by temporary helplessness (I once had a bout of total paralysis brought on by electrolyte imbalance in addition to things like surgery recoveries) and I have caught myself in the passive aggressor role, expecting people to read my mind, etc; feeling resentful that I had to ask for anything or that I should be expected to feel grateful.  My rational mind, when I could find it, knew I was completely in the wrong, but, as stated, my rational mind was hard to find. Your feelings are completely valid.  I have been on that side, too.  Thank God again that those situations were temporary for me.  Since your situation is more or less permanent, maybe the two of you could benefit from some counseling?  I know, I know, MY spouse would insist I was the only one who needed any help!   In that case, go alone if you have to and maybe learn some better coping skills?  Thank God for respite care!  I'm glad you are going to get a little break in FL soon.  Hang in 'till then, Ms. PP!

Counseling sounds like a good suggestion, both for you individually, and hopefully as a couple. 

No one has to tell you that you can't change another person.  What you can change is your response to that person. 

Remember the days when you first met and the time you spent trying to anticipate ways to surprise him or to make him happy?  Do you remember the joy you felt when you were able to do that?  What changed is your attitude;  no doubt as a result of beginning to feel that you're being taken for granted.  I'm sorry that it's progressed to this point, but really, all you CAN change is your own response.

I'm sure the responsibility of caring for someone with such a serious condition can be exhausting.  Weren't you able to get away for a little while last year?  Sounds like it's time to do it again. 

Hi Jc42,

I think you met this response for Ms PP but I got the notification,  you may want to repost addressed to her.  It is great advice.
Regards,

Was he like this before he became ill or did it manifest afterwards? Could it be part of the disease?  I don't have any answers to such a tough question.So sorry of the situation you are both in.

Actually, he probably was like this before he was ill.  Only now he needs my help so much more, it's much more apparent.  Still, I've never been one to react when he "hints" for help. 

It's like having a kid around who says, "I'm hungry."  If my grandson says that to me, I say, "Then you might say, Grandmommy, may I have something to eat please?"  Don't leave me to fill in the blanks.

I can totally relate. I had just orchestrated moving my family from living in Greece for five years back to the USA and bought and moved into a home. Within two months, I had to bring in and take care of my cranky 85 year old father-in-law during the last 6 months of his life. His two other kids couldn't tolerate him. My husband was working overseas half the time. He was dying of leukemia and went blind just before coming to us. He could not change his habits to become someone easy to care for. He had to have his meals on an exact schedule and was a picky eater. He complained if meals were late or not hot enough, etc. He complained about the kids ( all young) and was sure they were sneaking in to get into his snack foods. If so, I would have bought more. He never wanted for anything. He had always been that way and wasn't going to change just because he wasn't in his own home. The stress was sometimes overwhelming and the situation brought on full blown diabetes for me.

But surprisingly, I am glad I did it. I hope my family learned about compassion from it. I learned that I was a strong woman, mentally if not physically. I think you are right to stand up for yourself. I decided that I couldn't teach an old dog new tricks but I never apologized to him or coddled him when he was cantankerous. I wish you both as much happiness as possible in this situation.

Thanks for your kind words, Gail.  I'm really trying to hold my head above water so that I'm not sorry when all this is over.  Guess I'm just really tired right now,

pp