Going to Brazil alone vs. going with lukewarm supporter...

Hi everyone,

I'm having a hard time getting anyone in my life who supports the DS or trusts me enough to make my own decision about it to go to Brazil with me for even a few days; so many people I know have family/work obligations and just can't get away.

Dr. M strongly recommends NOT coming alone but is aware I may not have a support person with me. He says it's best to have someone there from the 15th to 20th of September.

Basically, the only choices at this point seems to be to take my 28-year-old brother (who is also MO) who has said numerous times he has a "bad feeling" about all this and why don't I just get a LAP-BAND for starters?

I have told him and my mother all the facts, stats, etc. Over 8 years of research, suffering, saving, etc.

They are convinced going for a DS is a horrible idea and going to Brazil is an even worse idea. My mom keeps mixing it up with the JIB and is convinced I will be miserable for a shortened life if I do this. They are both MO though and unwilling to consider anything (even their "safe Lap-Band idea) for themselves, so part of me thinks jealousy along with the fear are at play here. I have told them ALL the problems with the LAP-BAND; they just don't care. They keep hearing "minimally invasive."

I have told them both I would rather go alone than bring along ANY negativity, doubt, etc.

But at the same time, my brother IS willing to go and Dr. M says I shouldn't really go it alone if at all possible.

What should I do? I really can't find anyone else and my mother is even worse about the DS (she freaked out when Dr. Lane was going to do it in Ohio) let alone Brazil so I refuse to even consider her a viable option.

Stephanie

Stephanie,

Do you belong to Dr M's yahoo group? Why don't you post this on there as I know there are many people from the group that have gone along as a support person for people. These people have all been there done that and know Curitiba, Dr M, and all his help etc. I strongly suggest looking in to that as I would not want someone with me who is not going to be the strong support you are going to need.

If you don't have the yahoo group addi let me know I will send it to you

Stephanie,

I went alone and I did OK but I always advise people to take someone with you.  I agree with Dr. M on this.

How do you feel about having a stranger that has had the DS with Dr. M go with you?  You may be able to find someone on his yahoo group to do that.  Neal went with Linda not to long ago.

Your only other choice is to go ahead and take your brother and tell him to STFU about your surgery.

Michele

I vote alone, I tend to meet more exciting people alone. 

Stephanie,

I thought I would add to my post above.  I think people really fail to realize how major this surgery is, I have had several open abdominal surgeries and thought I was prepared but I was not on an emotional level.  I am a 'tough old broad' , lol, but still broke down in tears from being alone in a strange country with no one.  I did not feel well enough to venture out very far and although there were other patients from the US there, it was not the same as having someone of 'your own', someone that was there to have your back so to speak.  Emotionally, not physically, I really needed that support.  I have heard the same from others that went alone so it is not just me.

Michele

 Stephanie,

I really feel for you after reading this post... it's quite a dilemma.
I think I would rather go with someone who is a post-op DSer than with your brother or mom.
Your family's refusal to accept reality and put their selfish thoughts aside to support you has really landed you in a ****ty spot.
Unfortunately, it sounds like ignorance and jealousy (and maybe even an unconscious desire to see you remain fat so they won't feel like failures) has rendered your family members incapable of being an appropriate support system.
My advice to you is to prepare for more strain with your family members and try to get as involved as possible with the post-WLS community (online and in person) because you may find, as you lose weight, the jealousy and ignorant attitudes only get worse in certain insecure people.
Luckily, my whole family was very supportive of me during my time of need.... HOWEVER, I do have one relative (who was MO, had RNY & lost most of it and is now re-gaining at a frightening pace) who has reacted with jealousy now that I'm thin. She is one of the ones who thinks I'm malnourished, thinks I've "changed" since losing weight (my personality I mean.... If anything, I'm a happier person!), and I constantly see her eyeing what I'm eating with a questioning look that borders on rude. In short, I think she's secretly rooting for me to fail miserably and balloon up to 250 again. 
I wish you luck finding an appropriate person to accompany you to Brazil.... and good luck with your surgery! You're going to love your DS :)

-Violet

I feel your pain on this for sure.

I did not have a strong supporter of the surgery itself with me.  I took my mom who had her reservations about the whole ordeal. She came on the basis that she was there to help me out and to keep me company.  It turned out that she became more and more supportive after meeting Dr. M, seeing the professionals that work in his office, seeing the hospital. It's still not something she would choose for herself (being MO) but she wasn't a naysayer while we were there.

So in the end, I would take someone, even if they aren't 100% confident in your choice.  I would also be clear with them that you want them for support and you do not want to hear ANY "I don't like this.." "I have a bad feeling..." or "I told you so" if in the off chance, you do end up with a complication.  They are there for company and support.  If they are ok with that, I would take them.  I would take them over a stranger even.

Kelly

I do not wish you cause you alarm, but having been to Brazil with my DH, I would strongly suggest you take someone with you.  If your brother will go, take him, or find another friend or fellow DSer.  I ended up having a complication (you can read more in my blog if you'd like) which caused me to stay in the hospital for about a month.  It was miserable, and if I'd been there on my own, I think they would have had to put me in a padded room.  My DH was a wonderful support person, but he also was just someone there to talk to when there was no one else around.  There are not that many English television channels in Brazil, and that was really all I felt up to doing.  I also sent him numerous times to get things for me, and I don't know if I would have been able to do that by myself.  Additionally, the trip back home was a bear, and I really felt that having my DH was necessary. 

hi Stephanie,

I don't have much to add except that I am sorry that you are in this situation. I went to Mexico for my surgery and I guess I could have went alone, but after I left the hospital it was my family who went shopping for my food when I just wasn't up for walking in the heat at walmart. They were the ones that were there to help me when I needed help most and didn't want a stranger to help. 

I am not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes.  I think i would want a good supporter over a family member. Do you have any supportive friends looking for a nice vacation?

If not, then I would look for a DSer to come with you. I wish I could go. It doesn't have to be someone who had surgery with Dr. M, although they might be more inclined. 

I wish you luck and I hope this all turns out exceptionally.

I would personally rather go alone or with a supportive stranger than go with someone who is against my surgery. UNLESS they can keep their opinion to themselves........Good luck to you! Makes me wish I had a passport lol