Those stinking damn drains!

So I've no Internet.  It has been hideous and I've been jittery and almost depressed having to have face to face conversations with my partner David.  We even sat on the couch and held hands without wrestling for the laptop.  Hopefully my pathetic excuse for an Internet connection will be up and running in the next two days.....we'll see!  If not make sure one of you looks after my Jeffy!

Anyhoo I had made the mistake of scofing some toast at work in total desperation at 6am. I had naturally turned into a human Zeppelin and was trying not to hover above the linoleum with the down drafts. In order to release the heinous build up of methane I shot off to the deserted labs to spin the morning’s bloods and refrigerate them. Sadly I forgot the cleaner starts her rounds there with mop and bucket.

  No sooner had I released the hounds when she came wandering in and stopped and sniffed the air with a sour look on her face and proclaimed “pewwww what is that HORRIBLE smell"? without missing a beat I said “you should probably start in the kitchen…the dishwasher has backed up flooding the entire area and the basement and the place is reeking of drain smells." The cleaner thought about this and said…"oh yes it does smell like a blocked drain" and wandered off mumbling about how the bloody Hospital was falling down.   Luckily for me a minor disaster had occurred that morning resulting in some flooding so my arse was covered so to speak.   I love my DS especially as my weight steadily goes down and down but bloody hell…my farts are truly the sulphurous breath from the abyss!     Thou shalt not eat white bread……..ever!  And so endith the leson....

At least your quick on your feet.  I'd have probably just turned red and fled.  I've been very lucky not to have too much issue with "getting caught", I'll have to keep the drain in mind just in case.

Brown malted toast for you from now on, missy!!!  I'm usually a little gassy after a couple of slices of plain white bread (nowhere near a zeppelin, mind you), but I had 2 slices of brown toast every morning with my eggs & bacon (and sausages sometimes) for my glorious 2 weeks in the UK and didn't have one. single. fart.

I love that stuff.  I love a good british breakfast, too. 

And that was some brilliant quick thinking on your part about the drains!

In the future, can you take Penfold to work with you to take the blame for noxious emissions?

I just read this to my 24 year old son, and he's having a good laugh. Nothing gets people laughing like some good fart humor. Kirmy, you suffer for your art.  I really hope you keep a journal of all your posts, they would make a great stand-up routine.

Ok confession time.  It is painfully obvious to me I have had too much plastic surgery.  I read your subject line and my mind immediately went to "those" drains!

Glad they didn't have to raise the alert status for the dirty bomb!

Red

Dear Lord, Kirmy, you are hilarious!
Lisa

Hi Kirmy,

 I love your post. I just have to share my story with you since you shared one with us. I work in retail and one of my associates was he;ping a customer at the counter when another customer came up so he called me over to help them. Well that morning I was desperate for food and all I could find was a croissant which I scarfed down. While helping this customer some gas snuck out of my ass lol and it was awful. I played dumb as did everyone else but as soon as the 2 customers left I turned to my associate and said "oh my god did you smell my customer" he said is that what that smell was it smelt like a truck full of dead fish. I defiantly will not have a croissant again.

Sorry love. It doesn't count as truly awful until you are able to drive the dog from the room. I'll have Fuzzy Butt contact Penfold about this.

Dear Penfold,

Mom is at work but I was able to access her computer so that I could contact you. Be warned!!! The gas can be awful but it does get better as time goes on. Also, it works really well if you start looking at it like a game. When she has to let it fly, **** your head at a funny angle and look at the area that the sound comes from. This will entertain you Mom no end and she will actually start thinking about how what she eats affects you. You can see the little wheels turning in their heads. It's really very fascinating.

Fuzzy Butt