One year surgeriversary

I've been pondering what to write all day. While I feel like I have come a long way in a year I am still having some chronic issues which seem to continue to thwart my progress.

None the less I'm here, one year out today. I was scared and anxious walking into presurgery and it seemed like every minute I had to self talk to get through the next minute. A couple of times I remember thinking "I can tell them I don't want to do it" and that will be it. They will stop whatever it is that they are doing. Even as I was being wheeled into the surgery waiting room I kept thinking "I can stop this now." I think I was very close to saying something when one of the male nurses said "she's just nervous" and with that something was administered and I don't remember a thing until I became conscious in recovery. I don't remember much of recovery except waking up and saying "hurt hurt hurt, pain pain pain, hurt hurt hurt" over and over. I never opened my eyes. I didn't want to see anyone. There was a flurry of activity around me and then next thing I know I'm being wheeled into the elevator.  Apparently dilaudid had been administered and the pain I felt was quickly subsiding. The next seventeen days were full of tests, medication and complications. I was so happy to go home. The ride was pretty miserable. The hospital gave me a double dose of dilaudid before leaving and hubby had already gone and gotten the liquid Oxycontin which I did have to take somewhere along the ride.  I was happy to walk into my house.  Three days later I found myself being driving back to the hospital. I had a blood clot from the picc line. I spent another week at Casa de Lourdes Hospital.  Finally sent home, I thought that complications were behind me, but alas I ended up back at Lourdes after being home for only four days due to a gastric leak which was leaking out of my open incision.  Another week away from home. 

It was a rough way to start.  As the time passed I got better, started to heal, and after three months I was freed from my J-tube and enteral feeding. I still continued to have the gastric leak which had created a fistula at this point.  The hope was that it would heal itself.  I was moved from clear liquids to full liquids and progressed to soft food to full foods, but found that everything I ate, short of mozzarella and cottage cheese came sailing back up. Princess (my stomach) has been very difficult to deal with.   I was on full foods for two weeks and pulled off and put back on to full liquids. For the next four months I teeter tottered between full liquids and soft foods.  In those five months I lost 102 pounds (13 pounds was lost during the two week liquid diet pre surgery).  In April my nutritional levels were pretty dismal and my gastric leak had some sort of fit so that whenever I ate or drank anything the food or liquid would come right out of the cutaneous fistula hole. Back in the hospital for another week, put on TPN and made to go NPO. All weight loss has ceased because apparently the nearly 1500 calories I am getting a day from TPN is exactly what my body needs to maintain my weight. As of today, I'm still on TPN, though I am eating a little here I still continue to be intolerant to most foods. My nutrition has improved and I thought I was doing really well, but in June I got sepsis and spent nine more days in hospital. 

In, total I have had 7 hospital visits (a couple were for abscesses that were handled on an outpatient basis) and have spent about 6 weeks in the hospital.  

Like I said, it's been a rough year, but I'm alive and in the five months I was able to have food I did lose 100+ pounds, so that's not too bad!  I started at 302 and currently I'm hanging around 190-192.  

I'm often asked if the revision was worth it and would I do it again.  I wish I could say unequivocally yes, but I'm still on the fence. I am happy to have lost the weight I have and I'm looking forward to losing the next 40-60 pounds, but some days I do have a bit of buyers remorse. Nonetheless, I have what I have and we are learning to get along and live with one another. I'm sure if I had had no complications I would be screaming YES, IT'S WORTH IT!  But, right now I am at a place where I feel that some days it is worth it and some days it isn't.

So, as for a picture this is the best that I could do. I am currently 20 pounds lighter than this after photo, but I unfortunately don't have a current photo of me. I must work on that. But just for comparison I've put the here for those that are interested.

In the meantime, blessing to all.
Maddie

 Can't believe it has been a year!  I remember well when you had surgery.  It has indeed been a rough year for you!  I hope your 2 year surgiversary finds you with all the issues behind you!  I wish you all the best.  

When do you get "plugged"?

Diane

Not sure Diane. Currently I am waiting for the hospital to order it (the paperwork has been completed) and for it to come in. I'll call tomorrow. In the meantime I'm draining nothing much. I'm not sure if it is healing or not. Still, I'd rather get plugged than not.

What a year Maddie! Congrats on your surgiversary and I wish you all the health & happiness in the world. You are a beautiful lady inside & out and deserve some smooth sailing.

Laurie

Maddie,

You have certainly had a long year and a journey jaded with obstacles.  I'm glad I popped on here for a minute to read about your year.  I can't wait to hear about life when things calm down for you and you can resume some "normalcy" in your life. 

xoxo,

Lori

Hi Lori!
   I'm looking forward to a bit of normalcy too. I was complaining last night that I'm tired of lugging around a backpack full of TPN and being tethered to a line 10 hours a day. Not to mention I'd like to be able to sleep through the night without having to wake up every two to three hours to go to the bathroom (all that fluid makes me pee).  Then I'd like to be able to eat something without it making me sick. I'm whining I know. It's going to happen I know, I being such a patient *cough cough* person and all want it NOW! LOL. My biggest concern now is keeping my nutrition up after I come of of the TPN. That should be interesting.

Wow ((((((((((((((((((Maddie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you have been through so much in the past year, I just feel so terrible for all your turmoil! I have to say that you are one tough cookie and through all of that  horribleness you endured you came out on top, looking amazing BTW!

Happy 1st surgiversary and here's to the 2nd one being hospital freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Oh thank you!  Yes, I'm hoping not to see the inside of a hospital, except to visit others.

You are amazing!

And I am a bad friend. :(  I have the box of dresses but I haven't sent it yet. Sigh, I promise I will!

You look great, and you deserve a break from all the doctor visits, that's for sure. No more hospitals!!!!!

Many hugs to you!

Thanks Adele!  No worries on the dresses, the are still one size to small for me, but I'm looking forward to having them to slide into. Much appreciated.