OT-Depression-Need to let it out-a bit long, sorry

Hi all, I normally post on Gina's B&V thread, but I am just in a funk and need to share. It doesn't seem like my family really "gets" it and my circle of friends have dwindled since surgery which is a whole other subject.

I've been in a really bad place for awhile, but I think I hit bottom Friday. My sister had her baby 2 weeks ago. I saw him a few days after he was born and it was hard. It was really hard. I could only stay there for about 30 minutes. I have 2 beautiful kids~one boy and one girl, a loving husband, my health, but I can't have any more kids. It isn't that I really WANT a baby or another child, but having a hysterectomy at 32 and not having the option to have another child is so hard. I tried to explain to hubby the fact that I CAN'T have children is what makes it hard. I think maybe if I didn't have the hysterectomy that I wouldn't have this "missing something" feeling. I can see other people with kids and it doesn't really affect me. But after my older sis had her baby in April and now my younger sister had her baby in July, I am just jealous. I know, it is not nice, but I can't help it.

My mom told me my younger sis is really having a hard time. It is their first baby and she is just lost. She has so many baby books around and has read them cover to cover and is just lost because baby isn't following "the plan" from all the books she has read. LoL

I was so sick at work all day Friday just knowing I was going to see the baby that evening. I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus, I just wanted to cry all day. I mustered up all my positivity and saw her Friday evening and spent some time with her and baby until her hubby came home. It was nice, but as soon as I got in the car, I just lost it. I don't want to feel like this.

I told hubby I want a puppy and he said no. I already have 2 little dogs and a cat and a beta fish and a hamster and took in a guinea pig from baby girl's dance teacher. Can you tell I've tried to fill that "missing piece" with all these animals? Hubby said another puppy wouldn't help me and it just broke my heart. I know it won't fix what I am going through, but it will help take my mind off it. I've cried everyday. Maybe I need some depression meds. Definitely some therapy. Just needing to share a bit. I just feel lost right now.

The reaction you are having post hysterectomy can be quite normal both emotionally as well as hormonally. I just recently found out that I was in menopause and it played having with my health and my psychological state. Are you on hormone replacements since the hysterectomy?
The mourning of your ability can be normal for someone who has gone through that especially as you are still in your child bearing years.
I would definatly say get some counseling because you need someone objective to help you through this and you may need to be on meds. Your husband is right about the puppy as begining to hoard other things to vill that void will never really work and it starts its own vicious cycle. (I'm not saying you are a hoarder but its that same type of emptyness that can start that)
you are not alone as many people also find their friends and family can not understand what you are going through and somepeople do not like when someone "changes" drastically.

Take care , its good you shared but get help for this as it can only get worse untreated.

Hi Jacqui, thanks for your response. Since the docs left my ovaries, they didn't put me on any hormones. It is so funny you mention hoarding because hubby said I am becoming an animal hoarder. I didn't know how to take it. I guess from the outside looking in, things are so much clearer than when you are actually in the mix of things. It is just hard.

Double check the hormones thing becsue I have heard that even leaving the ovaries in sometimes they can stop producing properly. I'm 46 and hitting menopause was a doozy! I still have my uterus and my ovaries but I would have died or killed someone without the hormone replacement!

Its good to see your PCP short term for the depression but its always best to see a psychiatrist if you can. That way they can really work on getting you on a med that wont conflict with anything else you are taking.
I can understand that end of the era comment made becasue i tried to have kids but couldnt and even though I was infertile it is still a loss to me to be in menopause. It was like maybe I could have had one more try.
Take care and we are here for you.

Aww sweetie I know how much that must have taken for you to post this. You are obviously in a place of deep pain and I think perhaps it's time for a doctor visit to sort this out. 

Maybe you do need medication and I think therapy is always a good way to help you put things in  perspective whether you are depressed or not.

Please see your family doctor soon and be honest about what you are feeling.  There is no right or wrong way to feel - what you feel is what you feel....period.  It does sound like you are trying to fill an empty place inside of you and perhaps you need someone to talk to who will help you understand why you feel this way and how you can focus on the positive things that you already have in your life.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you.  This forum is more than just a place to talk about our DS life and I'm glad you felt you could reach out to us.

Hugs,
Mickie

Mickie, thanks for your response. It was hard to post, but I just need some words of encouragement and maybe somebody out there could relate and tell me what helped them. I am definitely going to call on Monday for an appointment. I didn't know how to verbalize it to my hubby, but I can't help how I feel. No matter if it is right or wrong. I can't control that. I hope with some help from the doc will help.

Oh Turtle Girl, I am so sorry. (((Hugs))) I can only imagine how hard that is. I don't have advice but I can relate.

Kj

Thank you KJ. Sometimes I feel like I am so alone. I know there has to be others out there that have similar stories.

Even some short-term counseling or grief support may be helpful to you.  It's a big deal to have had a hysterectomy, and most women who are still of childbearing age do have a significant emotional response at some point, even if they're done having kids.  It makes sense.

Hang in there.

Hi Victorious_one, thank you for your response. You know, I've never thought of needing like a grief counseling support, but it is exactly what it is. I feel like I've "lost" something. When I had my hysterectomy, I didn't think anything of it because we already had the two and we were done. Now with both my sisters having kids and all the family talks about are the new babies, it just woke a sadness inside of me. Calling the doc tomorrow.