I'm here lyrking in the background

Valerie posted a "where or where did Elaine go oh where oh where can she be." (sang to the tune of similar lyrics) so I thought it was time to update everyone quick. It's long but it just seemed to flow out of me. I'm doing okay except that I feel full ALL of the time. I just read where someone was able to go to a buffet about 2 months out and I can't even finish a 6 oz yogert! My meal sizes are about 2 - 3 tablespoons of food. I'm good at getting my vitamins & calcium, water/fluid in and 3 meals. Protien could certainly be improved. I'm only getting in maybe 40 gms on a good day. I know, I know I need to get more in and can do it with things like a protien shake but I haven't had the money to order any so I do with what I have. Oh, believe it or not I forget the snacks because I stay full for so long and if I don't trust that feeling I end up vomiting and I HATE vomiting! ! ! ! My whole relationship with food has changed. I care only because I did this to get well and not exchange it for other problems that I could influence. I hope the food for fuel feeling stays. It's so much better than the obsessing about it. The only physical pain I have right now is occasional and only the incision. It's not earth shattering or even worth a tylenol so I think I'll live through it. The physic pain has really gotten the best of me in the last week. 16 years ago yesterday my 16 yo darling daughter died. She was in a car accident 2 days earlier. I've been on a real roller coaster this year. I've been hibernating a lot which isn't good for me. I've got the demon "depression" and it feeds voraciously on isolation. I realized that one of the reasons I ate so much this time of year, which I usually gained 5 - 10 lbs was because it stopped the crying. When I cry the hole in my heart opens and it takes a long time for it to get well it use to scab because I ate through it now it well it's open now so I can't tell you what it does to heal. I miss her physical presence so so much and all of the what would she be doing if she was still alive. I know she is in God's loving hands but it doesn't stop the pain. I guess since I'm at work I better end this so I don't get in trouble. I've already got enough trouble as it is. Money is horrible, and I do mean horrible. Well that another subject for another day and probably another website support group, if I knew of one. If you live where there is sunshine a good weather today go enjoy! Elaine 292/288/???/175-185? HW/SW/CW/GOAL!!!! Last weight 1 week ago 249 but my clothes are bagging more so I'll have to update it next week when I can pop into the doc's office.

Elaine, I'm so sorry to read about your daughter - those anniversary dates can be so rough! Hope you are feeling better soon - you are in my prayers! Terri

Beckie With Elijah, I was feeling "flutters" around 2-3 months...On the outside around 20 weeks or so..Johnny felt him for the 1st time around 22-23 weeks..This one, I am 9 weeks today, and I am feeling flutters already, I cant wait to feel the kicks...I remember with Eli, there were days I thought he was going to kick my belly button off my body LOL..he was a thumper! Jen

Sending you big hugs Elaine, sounds like you could use them right about now. Hang in there, you are progressing so very well, enjoy your successes! Sharon

OUCH!! Feeling for you here. You have a lot on your plate. And I just cannot comprehend what that sort of loss feels like. So sorry, friend! Nothin' to do but walk right on through and I'm sure you will be ok again. Those feelings are why I take my Zoloft Love & hugs your way.

I am so sorry for the sorrow you're feeling right now. As for your food intake it will get better way faster than your broken heart is healing. Hang in there, darlin and big hugs to you!

I am glad you posted even though it is a tough time right now. I lost my brother to a auto accident when he was 16 yo (1970) and every year in August I get depressed and usually don't know why then I remember that I get depressed every year and why! I know how much his death affect me, a sibling, I can not imagine your sorrow. I think you are doing everything you can right now and you will be in my prayers. When I have these kind of times all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and carry on. Best Wishes - Valerie

Elaine, I am so glad to hear from you! I am concerned about your protein intake. Has Dr. Anthone/Kathy chewed you out or lectured you? Here is my big talk for you...try to get the protein shakes or something else significant, will you? In the long run, it is far cheaper than running into malabsort. problems later. I just worry about ya, that is all (keeping in mind that I am only up to 50 g of protein a day--and thank you for reminding me to take my vitamins!) As for the loss of your daughter, I think that is the worst thing someone can experience. Sometimes I just worry about my son as a teenager and have morbid thoughts and I just about go insane, and I have a lonnnnnnnng time til that happens. Is there something positive you can think of to honor your daughter? I am trying to think of something comforting that you could do. For example, I lose family members in October...I call it 'death month'. I buy a Christmas tree ornament for that person, representing what made them who they were. I then light a candle on Christmas Eve and thank God for having known them. I am not expert, but do you think you could light a candle and talk to God during those times of isolation and feel her presence? Would that bring any source of comfort? Or could you make her favorite dinner on the anniversary of her death or buy flowers, or something to make it feel like she is 'with you'? I don't know if these are dumb ideas or not. They cannot bring her back, afterall. Here is my other unprofessional advice...I think way too many times people try to get us to absorb our emotions. My parents are big at trying to tell me not to feel the way I do. Do you give yourself permission to cry and mope and whatever you feel when this time of year comes up? Do you feel guilty or weak for going through it? In other words, do you allow yourself to feel what you need to feel? Sometimes I fear we don't allow ourselves this. But then you probably need to set some ground rules to make sure it is not all encompassing for months and cannot move forward. I am just throwing things out to try to help. You have something now that I fear in myself. Food was the only thing that stuffed in my emotions and allowed me to feel numb. What do we use now? People suggest I go shopping and other things like that, but I have never found anything that can do it like food could. If you do find something that really helps, please let us know. You are in my prayers. I don't live in sunshine adn good weather, so I can only offer my stupid suggestions and a prayer. Keep your chin up, my friend, Michelle L

OMG, Shopping! That would never work for me. That's my other vice. Problem is I'm always buying just stuff and not anything that really does me any good and then I don't have any money to pay bills. I think I'll have to look for some sort of group where I can call people and get out in the evenings. Thanks Michelle. The low protein has only been for the past few days. It just seems like forever because the time period from Feb 24th through March 1st or 2nd seems like such a long period and I have a tendancy to say what I'm feeling whether it's really a fact or not. You are right about the protien shakes. I'm got the stuff last night so I'm back on track. Like you I don't want ANY malabsortion problems to haunt me later. Thanks again for thinking of me. Elaine

Elaine, There was no way I was going to recommend shopping to you. Have you seen shows like Clean Sweep? I see to many who do therapy shopping and it causes other problems, like a VERY messy and cluttered house. I am glad you are back on track with the protein. I hoep that helps you feel better too. Take care, Michelle L