I'm back... to square one (or at least square three)...
Hi wonderful friends... I've been gone for a few days.
Not gone physically but gone emotionally. Most of you may know by now that a year ago yesterday, my 28-year-old beautiful son, Phillip was killed in Iraq. This anniversary ha**** me hard... harder than I thought it would. So the impact has been there emotionally but I had no idea how it would affect me physically since having had this surgery.
Three days before Phillip was killed, I had gone to my first WLS orientation at Kaiser and that night made a commitment to do it. Of course, at that time, I had no idea what the following weeks would be like. But I had made that commitment to myself and not holding to that commitment would not bring my son back. So I went forward, sticking to the program, losing 52 pounds before surgery, had the surgery (almost six months ago) and to date have lost 106 pounds and am 6 pounds from my goal weight of 125 pounds (I'm short).
About three days ago my pouch started hurting badly. I had horrible food cravings. I started breaking rules. I put things in my mouth that, even though they were only a tiny bite here and there, were not good for me. I stopped drinking fluids, except for a couple cups of coffee and a little bit of water. But no matter what I ate or drank, it hurt. I had constant nausea but instead of eating less, I found myself eating more. None of this seemed to affect my weight on the scales but I felt horrible. I was taking my vitamins except calcium because the taste of it nauseated me.
Last night it finally dawned on me that my pouch (hell, whole body) was reacting to my emotional state. I was in pain emotionally and physically. I found myself close to that place again of not caring about my health, of feeling like I'd cross (even a little) over the line to self destructive. To some degree the pain in my gut was better than the pain in my heart.
And I realized that my son would have kicked my butt for this. He would want me to be well and to be happy. I know this about him and felt it from him as I lay in pain in the darkness at 2 a.m. this morning.
So today I step back from that dangerous edge and back to square three. Can't go back to square one ever again because of the surgery... square one is gone forever... but back to basics nonetheless.
Today I'm starting on soft foods again, probably for a week or so. Breakfast is cottage cheese. I've hurt my pouch and now I need to heal her. That's my job... to take care of me, to nurture myself through the pain and do what it takes to heal.
Psychologically as well, I am stepping back into what I know works for me as well. Along with the nurturing my pouch, I am CHOOSING (even if I don't feel like it) ... choosing to nurture myself. This will include music during the day while I'm working, incense, writing notes to people to tell them I appreciate them, having a friend over for dinner tonight (that was planned from last week but I'll put more of my heart into it), reading, tending my plants, writing, and a long hot bath this afternoon, drinking more water during the day and some stretching and meditation. These are all things that nourish me but I tend to throw away when I'm feeling like I don't deserve the good things in life because I'm overcome with sadness.
I am grateful to this board because even though I've not posted hardly, I've read and gained focus and inspiration from all of you. Just saying how much I appreciate all of you and this space here.
Not gone physically but gone emotionally. Most of you may know by now that a year ago yesterday, my 28-year-old beautiful son, Phillip was killed in Iraq. This anniversary ha**** me hard... harder than I thought it would. So the impact has been there emotionally but I had no idea how it would affect me physically since having had this surgery.
Three days before Phillip was killed, I had gone to my first WLS orientation at Kaiser and that night made a commitment to do it. Of course, at that time, I had no idea what the following weeks would be like. But I had made that commitment to myself and not holding to that commitment would not bring my son back. So I went forward, sticking to the program, losing 52 pounds before surgery, had the surgery (almost six months ago) and to date have lost 106 pounds and am 6 pounds from my goal weight of 125 pounds (I'm short).
About three days ago my pouch started hurting badly. I had horrible food cravings. I started breaking rules. I put things in my mouth that, even though they were only a tiny bite here and there, were not good for me. I stopped drinking fluids, except for a couple cups of coffee and a little bit of water. But no matter what I ate or drank, it hurt. I had constant nausea but instead of eating less, I found myself eating more. None of this seemed to affect my weight on the scales but I felt horrible. I was taking my vitamins except calcium because the taste of it nauseated me.
Last night it finally dawned on me that my pouch (hell, whole body) was reacting to my emotional state. I was in pain emotionally and physically. I found myself close to that place again of not caring about my health, of feeling like I'd cross (even a little) over the line to self destructive. To some degree the pain in my gut was better than the pain in my heart.
And I realized that my son would have kicked my butt for this. He would want me to be well and to be happy. I know this about him and felt it from him as I lay in pain in the darkness at 2 a.m. this morning.
So today I step back from that dangerous edge and back to square three. Can't go back to square one ever again because of the surgery... square one is gone forever... but back to basics nonetheless.
Today I'm starting on soft foods again, probably for a week or so. Breakfast is cottage cheese. I've hurt my pouch and now I need to heal her. That's my job... to take care of me, to nurture myself through the pain and do what it takes to heal.
Psychologically as well, I am stepping back into what I know works for me as well. Along with the nurturing my pouch, I am CHOOSING (even if I don't feel like it) ... choosing to nurture myself. This will include music during the day while I'm working, incense, writing notes to people to tell them I appreciate them, having a friend over for dinner tonight (that was planned from last week but I'll put more of my heart into it), reading, tending my plants, writing, and a long hot bath this afternoon, drinking more water during the day and some stretching and meditation. These are all things that nourish me but I tend to throw away when I'm feeling like I don't deserve the good things in life because I'm overcome with sadness.
I am grateful to this board because even though I've not posted hardly, I've read and gained focus and inspiration from all of you. Just saying how much I appreciate all of you and this space here.
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
Oh Raven..I totally understand.
Without being a post stealer I have mentioned several times about losing my Grandpa this past New Years Eve. After he left I did lots of bad eating - including an old habit ...SODA! At that moment I really didn't care. He found out he had Cancer like 20 days after my surgery. It was so advanced that we were on soft foods together. He'd take me out to lunch at Wendy's and we'd each get a potato. I was giving him advice on protein shakes, puree foods, and vitamins. Then 7 months later he was gone.
I'm still trying to work this "kink" out. I haven't lost anything since Christmas. I haven't gained either. He was so flippen proud of me. Every time I'd see him he'd say "Hey skinny, how you doing?". I know that he'd want me to continue this whole process but in a way I started this journey with him, now I'm alone.
I am so very sorry for you loss. You have done amazing with your surgery ..and have helped all of us in some way with your wonderful inspiring posts. I know you've helped me any way. I may not always comment but I promise I have read them. Even this post has inspired me. Me and my pouch need some reconnecting!
Without being a post stealer I have mentioned several times about losing my Grandpa this past New Years Eve. After he left I did lots of bad eating - including an old habit ...SODA! At that moment I really didn't care. He found out he had Cancer like 20 days after my surgery. It was so advanced that we were on soft foods together. He'd take me out to lunch at Wendy's and we'd each get a potato. I was giving him advice on protein shakes, puree foods, and vitamins. Then 7 months later he was gone.
I'm still trying to work this "kink" out. I haven't lost anything since Christmas. I haven't gained either. He was so flippen proud of me. Every time I'd see him he'd say "Hey skinny, how you doing?". I know that he'd want me to continue this whole process but in a way I started this journey with him, now I'm alone.
I am so very sorry for you loss. You have done amazing with your surgery ..and have helped all of us in some way with your wonderful inspiring posts. I know you've helped me any way. I may not always comment but I promise I have read them. Even this post has inspired me. Me and my pouch need some reconnecting!
Not a post stealer at all, Honey. I really get what you are saying and it helps me to hear it... to know that I'm not alone. If we live long enough, we lose everyone or someone losses us but in the meantime, we can only do what we can do.
And I'm sure your grandpa is very proud of you and you can use his love for you to keep you centered and focused. I think that's what I'm trying to do too... but it's not easy sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this.
And I'm sure your grandpa is very proud of you and you can use his love for you to keep you centered and focused. I think that's what I'm trying to do too... but it's not easy sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this.
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
7-09
I don't know what to say other than to say I read this and I offer whatever little support and comfort I can from this part of the world.
I too have a 28 yr old son and I can't even imagine. When I try to imagine I just cry.
So ya, we have spent a lifetime with food being our comfort and our go to position when things were tough. It will take a long time to heal that. I still think about food almost every moment, it will always be there, thank goodness the surgery prevents me from binging or I would already have done so many times over. Even reading this post (both of you actually!) and shedding these tears, I thought of getting something. But alas, just veggies and fruits here right now. Damn!
Hugs for both of you
Bren
I too have a 28 yr old son and I can't even imagine. When I try to imagine I just cry.
So ya, we have spent a lifetime with food being our comfort and our go to position when things were tough. It will take a long time to heal that. I still think about food almost every moment, it will always be there, thank goodness the surgery prevents me from binging or I would already have done so many times over. Even reading this post (both of you actually!) and shedding these tears, I thought of getting something. But alas, just veggies and fruits here right now. Damn!
Hugs for both of you
Bren
Hey Bren, don't cry... it's okay. You can't live your life in fear about loss. What happens happens and there's nothing to be done. But in the meantime, give you son losts of love, lots of hugs, and let him know how special he is to you, even when he makes you want to smack him. Let him know that you will always love him no matter what. I wish I had done that more... and try to do it more with everyone else in my life.
Thank you for your encouragement and smiles. Good for you for not having bad stuff in the house. :)
Thank you for your encouragement and smiles. Good for you for not having bad stuff in the house. :)
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
I'm lost for words reading such a profound message. I am so sorry for your terrble loss. I hope you found/find some moments of peace in the company of friends, family and even virtual friends in places like this. Hope you will be real gentle on yourself as the days pass.
Mike
Mike
For last year's words belong to last year's language.
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T.S. Eliot
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
T.S. Eliot
Oh, Mike... thank you. I did and continue to find peace in the smiles of those around me. I am blessed to have incredible support at home and obviously here too.
Yes, gentle... I'm working on that part of it. I tend to drive myself hard and then regret it but thank you for the reminder.
Hugz!
Yes, gentle... I'm working on that part of it. I tend to drive myself hard and then regret it but thank you for the reminder.
Hugz!
"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." -Tuli Kupferberg
Most Active
Recent Topics
