Hi, new to this board....already have marital problems scared for after surgery.

Hello, Would like anyone to help me with this. I already have marital problems and scared that after surgery it will be worse. Maybe it will be a blessing for me to go ahead and end my marriage then, but not so sure. Will go into more details later if need be. Anyone care to help with their thoughts. Blessings, Leslie PS. I'm in Arkansas

Hi Leslie, Sorry to hear about your problems. Anything you want to talk about let me know. I have already been in 1 marriage that ended. I am now married again. My Hubby doesn't understand why I am having this surgery, but I am doing it anyway. Ending a marriage is a BIG step. What seems to be the problems? If you want to tell me. YOU should feel better after the surgery!!! Only do it for you.

Hi this is my second marriage as well. Mainly he is Bipolar and I've tried dealing with it and have been catching him in lies. I know of some things he does computer wise if you follow me and have caught him wanting to meet up with other women. Plus he has been stealing checks, I'm the only one on my checking account, but since it is his money he says, his disability, then he can spend it. It doesn't matter if there are bills....just thinking about getting my ducks in a row and after that ....doing the D thing. AGAIN! My surgery is one of them so I'll feel better enough to get a job or work again period....I kind of do my own self employed thing now but don't make much right now. And fixing to study interior decoration here at home and would like to start my own business, but want to do that AFTER the D if I do end up doing that so I won't have to split nothing. You know? I have a daughter who is 11 that is from my first marriage and my son is 3 from him and he is just a BAD mommy AND daddy's boy...so It is going to break my heart....to do it...besides I still love the man. But after going through what I go through....this I've told you isn't even the half of it....I'm not sure I can hang on..... Blessings, Leslie

Hi Lesley - we have some things in common! I am from the Fort Smith area. Is Hensley in the northeast corner? One of the things that your docs should be telling you is that somewhere between 5 and 6 of every ten marriages break up post-wls. That's pretty scary, until you realize that it is the national average as well. It sounds like there are already numerous and serious issues in your marriage - enough that it might require professional help AND a miracle to save it- and wls will bring more and equally serious issues to the table. I'm not saying it to be unsupportive, and certainly not to tell you that I think you should divorce him. But do look realistically at what you are battling. If you want to preserve your marriage, it's the starting point to effectively fighting and ultimately defeating the problems. Since I am a woman of intense Christian faith, I do believe that it is possible for these things to be overcome, but I also believe the odds are longer against it for anyone working outside that faith. Depending on where you stand, whatever I can offer might be real helpful or not at all. I haven't had my surgery yet, either, and am waiting on a personal miracle for that - especially since the only acceptable procedure for me (and my husband too) is DS, and in Ark you can only get RNY and lap band. But, I have lost gobs of weight at several points in life, the last one being on fen-phen where I lost 90 lbs and got down to a size 16. I know the issues that can come with losing large amounts of weight, getting something you want so badly, and finally being able to 'prove' to the world that you are just as valuable (according to their values system) as anyone else, where sexiness and physical beauty count above all. There is nothing at all wrong with finally feeling empowered to remove yourself from an abusive or unhealthy situation. It happens often with those of us who are MO and super MO. Our self-worth is so low that we allow bad treatment, even though that love or attention is nothing but a crumb to a starving person. So much of the problem is wrapped up in our weight. Some psychologists would say that it's the other way around - our weight is the underlying symptom. It may be, for some. But for many people their weight is metabolic and everything they've suffered because of the world's stand against them is the root problem. However, I speak first hand when I say that it is all too easy to fall into vanity and self-absorption. The delight of FINALLY winning a battle masks, for some, the fact that it's too easy to fall into that sort of ugliness. I saw but didn't understand the first time when a friend had wls almost 30 years ago. She became truly insufferable and I, along with a lot of other people, broke off the relationship. It wasn't until the second time I lost a dramatic amount of weight that I finally recognized that I'd become everything I condemned in her, and only then was able to grant some grace to re-establish the friendship. It's also too easy to feel like you have something to prove and can now prove it. People who thought that never in a million years would they have considered infidelity can be tempted to the point that it kills the marriage. Not because they don't care about destroying their families, or because they don't care about the spouse or what betrayal would do to that person, and not even that they are overwhelmingly smitten by a another person. It's because the need to make the conquest and have definitive proof of your own ability to do so is a deep-rooted need - almost as hard to ignore as the need to breathe. The more abuse a person has suffered, the harder this drive will be to deal with. Just be aware that powerful changes take place after great weight loss in our minds as well as our bodies. You are already dealing with two nails in the coffin of a marriage - mental disease and infidelity. Those are tough things to overcome, but if both partners are interested and want to work at an emotionally healthy relationship, there are couples who have been successful at overcoming them. But it's hard enough that you've both got to want it desperately enough to work hard at it. If that happens, then the issues that come up after weight loss can be dealt with too. Much of the time, simply recognizing what's *really* going on is the key to removing the power when vanity and self-absorption want to control you. I can speak from experience in this. It's sickening how close I came to throwing away things of irreplaceable value just because I felt compelled to prove that I could have sexual control over a man. I consider it an act of Grace and supreme mercy from a soveriegn God who opened my eyes to see that I was close to going over the edge of a cliff, and I will be forever grateful. Please, seek some counsel and get some rock-solid support for you as a loved and valued human being before you take steps to dissolve your marriage. If both of you want the marriage to work,you have a fighting chance with people standing behind you to love, encourage, and give practical counsel. If it's not the case that you both want it to work, those people are godsends, able to bind up the brokenhearted. You can get emotionally healthy and go on to your WLS ready to tame the world! Denise in Ark

Hi Denise, Thanks for your help ...I hope you don't mind I emailed you. Blessings, Leslie

I believe that the reason so many marriages end after WLS is because they should have ended before WLS! As obese women (and men) we feel that we have found the only person who could and would ever love us and believe me most of those people take full advantage of keeping us down. My relationship is doing well but I can often see my husbands eyes get bigger and bigger as I get smaller and smaller. I say continue with your surgery plan, close your checking account and disconnect your internet connection!! Jen