I understand completely. My hubby has been the same since surgery. He used to be very affectionate. Now I have to literaly beg for him to just hold me. I thought we had a really great marriage before surgery, but I'm starting to doubt that. Ive lost 90 pounds and am looking pretty good now, and other men are noticing me. But my husband?? He avoids me like the plague in the bedroom(or anywhere else lately). I just dont get it. Of course I cant say anything to him about it now. He bought a new vehicle for me so if I say anything about how hes treating me I get a guilt trip. I almost wish I was still 260lbs so that he would just notice me and tell me he loves me like he used to. I know a lot of people face things like this, but I thought he would pay too much attention and get overprotective, not push me away. I hope things will work out for you, Krystle

Beth... There are no great answers when it comes to someone who is an addict. Its just that. They will always have the challenge of staying sober or whatever they need to do to stay free of their addictions. He has to want to change. You might want to consider an AL-NON meeting for yourself. You can learn the tools family members learn about letting go and not enabling. Its up to him... and despite children, you or even GOD... he has free will and choice in life. Its unfortunate some addictions really impact a family in negative ways much sooner than others... where they creep up on you like a food addiction...and boom your heavy. Both are equally destructive. I wish you the best, but you must remember you can scream, lead him to the water... but he doesnt have to drink from it. But you DO have a choice whether or not you are willing to stay or leave the relationship. Its a dance. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Good luck. Dorise

anyone else encountering this? I tried once explaining to him and asking him to compliment me once in a while, but nothing. Hell, I can't even remember the last time he said i love you, but that was pre-op too. I'm starting to wonder if there is anything as true lasting "being in love" feelings or am i just resigned to living in a emotionless comfortable marraige.

Robert, Hello from a former "Moorhead, MN" girl from New Mexico! I always say the proof is in the pudding. In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, he had some difficulties with substance abuse. One day I had just HAD it with his behavior and shoved the phone book at him and said "Get help or get out." I came home from work that night and he had made appointments with counselors and a doctor. I waited patiently to see if he would actually keep the appointments, and he did. He is now 5 years clean and sober and doing better than he ever has as far as what he wants out of life, etc. Your recovery from alcohol and food addiction are things you should want to do FOR YOU. No one can love you until you love yourself. I know it sounds like a cliche but I have figured it out the hard way. I would guess if your wife ever had real feelings for you, she wants you to be happy. But YOU have to want to be happy for yourself, not for her. If recovery from food addiction and WLS are things you want to do, then do them because it is a gift for yourself. The rest will fall into place if it was meant to be. Also, from my own experience, I would suggest counseling. WLS is not going to take away the underlying reason you are emotionally in pain that caused the alcoholism and food addiction. You will have to deal with what haunts you regardless of surgery or not. My best wishes to you and your family. Happiness is out there, just reach out and accept it. K-

Hey Paula: Its aways hard when changes happen and it disrupts the "mojo" in your family life and the love for your partner. Couple of things I think you can check out... one if you or your husband have employment the companies usually have whats called "EAP" Employee assistance Program" which allows people or couples to get counseling free of charge. Usually you can get 4 sessions... and sometimes more depending on your employment. Second, whenever there is change the family structure tries to get back the equalibrium to what it was. Ie. you have a screaming partner... he stops then all of a sudden your teenage take on the same role. This is typical in counseling. I no longer counsel but I can tell you that you need to seek whatever resources you have if marriage is worth saving. See your priest, minister, local support group or license counselor. Im sorry I cant give you more, but everyone fears change and your weight Im sure has been a positive change for you and that can make even the most secure partner get scared. I going to be facing surgery in a few weeks and me and my spouse have talked about the changes we might encounter. We both recognize that we will probably have some problems ... but we are both willing to talk and work things through as we face them. He doesnt know how he will react to a thinner me. His fear is I will change in attitude and love... but like all of us - -its not about them, its about helping ourselves for the first time in most cases. Good luck my sister... communicate your needs and fears to open the channels of love with your husband. Dorise