Wisdom From A Jar

*I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. *I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. *Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!" *Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off! *Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. *I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges! *Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. *Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. *We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. *Having an out of body experience. Back in five. *Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. *If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it. *Do unto others, then run.-- Benny Hill *Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. *I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. *Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. *It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack. *My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. -- Carrie Fisher *I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West *We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings. *The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. -- Lily Tomlin *Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong. *Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. *If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? *Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? *Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. *Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. *The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. *I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. *I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.