help guys please

Will,

It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. for many many years you have self medicated yourself with food. In your own words "How can I say this I feel like I want to go back to being fat again..I used to eat for comfort to chase depression etc and now when I try that I get sick. So is it so wrong to look back and see that i was semi happy being large and I just want to be happy again so therefore I want to be big again. or I feel that I want to."  It wasn't that being fat made you happy, it was just that you were happy and fat at the same time. One has nothing to do with the other. Your happiness has nothing to do with your eating. You are a brave and couragous individual, you have taken control of your own life with your WLS. I don't mean to sound blunt, but it is very doubtful that if you hadn't had the WLS it would have prevented the loss of your parents. And as to your time in the hospital, even though I do not know all the details, I would venture to guess that every day spent in the hospital post op will more than likely be added back to your life 100 fold in your increased lifespan and quality of life. I see that you are a firefighter, I was a EMT/Paramedic 25 years ago. Your decision to have the WLS may well save untold lives further down the road. As a trim, healthy firefighter, you will be able to perform your duties much better than if you were large. I guess what I'm trying to say can be best summed up in the lyrics of a Martina McBride song...."God is great..but sometimes life ain't good"... and remember the commandment....Honor thy father and mother. The best way you can honor them is to continue on this path you have set out on to be healthy, and in being healthy, strive to be happy. I find my happiness in the Lord, and if I can stay focused on God, always walking in the Light, looking towards the Light, and seeking more Light; then darkness cannot enter into my life. I am here Will, and you are now in my prayer list. God bless you, and remember I God + God you= I YOU!!! Any questions?? Ask God. Your brother in Him, Doug

Will, I can't say I know how you are feeling because Ican't.  I am thankful you have come here for support and I'm sure you will get it.  As you said in your post God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  I know some times it feels like he does but once you look back at it you see how it made you the person you are today and are thankful for it.  I believe I read in your profile that you made a statement to that effect about the issues you had after surgery. You are a very special person doing the job you do.  I think I also read in your profile on one of you pictures of you hanging from a ladder about the rush you had from that and you would of never done that if you hadn't had WLS.  I know right now it feels like the world is coming down on you but try the best you can and step back and look at all the positive in your life.  I would also encourage you to find a hobby to replace the comfort eating you used to do.  I know a number of the guys on here run and lift weights if that is of interest I'm sure they could give you some pointers on getting started. We are here to support.  If you need anything just ask.

Will, So Sorry that Life squeezed several tragic and bad events into such a short time for you. Yours seems to be a most natural reaction. Depression can be "the end result" of being beat down by cir****tances Or the cause of feeling beat down even at the best of times. In your case you have more than enough reasons to be scraping bottom. It's when you find yourself "feeling bad, for feeling bad" that it's gone past the realm of grieving and into depression. The short of it is, No matter how we view ourselves, Mood is the result of brain chemistry. When we are sad, chemical neurotransmitters are released When we are happy, the same. And fearful, and stressed, etc, etc... Big Ole Bio-Chem Stew going on. It is the result of how we are stimulated And it is the cause of how we respond to stimulation. Check the extent of your problem. A few "Diagnostic Tests" are available online such as- NYU-PsycheScreen-Depression or PsycheCentralDepressionQuiz

A year of talking through, working through emotional issues Will result in slow incremental brain chemistry changes, And we will begin responding to stimulation differently And our outlook and general mood can be raised. Or, Cut to the chase, Take a pill that does the same thing in a couple of weeks. I believe in "Better Living Through Chemistry." Same with gardening. 2 approaches- I could slowly work the soil and remove insects manually And allow plant matter to de-compose into the soil To make it richer, Or, I can throw in a little MiracleGrow and spray with pesticide. Which of the two makes sense? Call a Psychiatrist, share with them the numbers from the test scores Explain "how you feel," And he’ll hook you up with something To re-set your brain chemistry levels. Don’t resist because of Psyche-Doctor Stigma. If you had pain in your knee, you wouldn’t think twice about Taking something for it. So, pain in your Psyche? Same thing. Call the Doc. Get some help with the healing. No extra Points for continuing just suffering. Be pro-active and get this fixed. Other "non-Med" things that will help? More Sunlight (release of hormones that help better, more restful/productive sleep) More Exercise, (elevates the mood through naturally adjusting neurotransmitters) And of Course--- Time. Every little thing that helps, adds up…. Your feelings are the normal and rational response to "irrationally not normal" cir****tances. 2008 starts tomorrow night. Your 2007 will linger on for quite sometime. Don’t "Push the River." Grieving happens at it’s own pace. But don’t let the combined impact of all of these events Sweep you away in an undertow. You came through so much just to hang on to your life. Use it to honor those who have passed? Be the Greatest You, the world will ever see. Know that as in the past, You have my thoughts and prayers. I can only relate to the ‘complications’ part of your year, But I’m just moving into the loss of parents phase of my trip. Talk to those around you, and when you feel you can’t Drop in on us here. Anonymity and ‘cyber-distance’ allows some frank and open thoughts to be expressed That would be too difficult to say to some one face to face sometimes. We’re here for you! Best Wishes- Dx

Well, i can be blunt. Fact is we all die. We NEVER expect death to come when we want to. It was their time, and we can say it shouldn't have happened. That we were able to change their fate. EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  When i read your post I instantly thought you were contemplating suicide. I've been in that situation. The pain is so great, you feel that you should be there with them. But don't go against your goal. Live EVERY DAY like it was my last day on earth.  I can't even begin to say how much it's true. I wish we all lived by these morals. Just because you may have lost someone that you love, doesn't mean you have lost EVERYONE. Remember, in the end, we'll be with EVERYONE we lost before. Death is only temporary. And you can say you want to live in the past, but why? You can overcome so much and be so much stronger in the end, that the past will shape you to be a better person. Best of luck!

Hey Will... several things...thanks for wording your letter the way you did...it really pulled some semi lurkers out of the shadows, and they were giving you personal responses...not just a "buck it up young man" I do congraulate you for being self aware enough to put these thoughts down in a coherent manner...that is a big plus...so you do have some tools at your disposal... At this point I think you are being attacted by an illusion, of what your life was like when you were heavy....things are so bleak now, that the only bight spot is reaching back to a time that you have catagorized as good...(because they were some pleasent memories...) Looking at the big picture is very difficult now, but like the old saying says,....2 wrongs don;t make a right... I'm a nurse and it's really a double edged sword....I help someone live, but they lose a leg....I imagine your work is the same....even though you do your job, and people are greatful, you still see a lot of disaster...and that can take it;s toll on you if you have several bad things happen on top of each other... Does you department have a stress councilor...sometime they can be good to help you get back in balance... as far as occupying your time...i'm really big on trading up when it comes to addiction**** the gym....eating is a very selfish thing, working at the gym can be very selfish too... (I know you prob do a **** load of chairity work as it is with your job) so pick something that is just for you...sorry to sound so Oprah.... Greiving groups are great too, or WLS groups....just to be around people... Chat back...that is what we are here for Russ

Will, I want to push back a bit and offer that it isn't "normal" to want to abuse food as a means of coping with difficult times and feelings any more than it is "normal" to abuse alcohol, cigarettes or other drugs.  I'm always amazed with the logic that we (especially men) use to conclude that taking these unhealthy substances to titrate our emotions would be a better choice than taking a substance made specifically for that reaso (like an antidepressant). Maybe there are some groups in your area, or your hospital, you can connect with for support.  If you want a counselor and need help finding one I can help with that.  I have access to counselors all over the USA (and world).  It's part of my job. Sorry for the losses and the tough times.  You will survive this without eating unhealthy. CB

Will, I too lost my mother on Christmas Eve in 1986.  I was 20 at the time.  So I do know part of what you are feeling but I can also add the classic saying that everything happens for a reason.  In my case, I put off college, played around with drugs for a few years ( just another diversion for an addictive personality) and basically wasted  a portion of my life.  . My diversion landed me a college degree at the age of 28, allowing me to meet my wife of 15 years, and also allowing me to have 3 beautiful kids.  So I often ask myself where would I be had I not acted like I did after the loss of my mother. However, you are further along in your life and have more "mental"capacity to deal with this situation. So while you are suffering now, things will get better.  Stay strong for yourself and time will heal you.

Hi Will, I know what you mean.  Sometimes life just comes around and knocks you on your butt and you wonder what is the point.   2007 has been rough for so many of us.  I lost my father in October, his brother a week later, a good friend in November, and an aunt right before Christmas.  Plus, for all intents and purposes, I lost my siblings because of estate turmoil.  I found out about my siblings via email the day after my surgery.   I was an emotional eater too.  Really, this last couple of days I realized I still am.  Depression just sucks the life out of you and is as insidious a disease as cancer or any other "physical" ailment.  Depression is a physical ailment as well.  It runs in my family.  I finally decided to bite the bullet and take antidepressants a few years ago after I became suicidal.  It sometimes takes some titration of dosage or even a different medication to find something that works, but in the end it is worth it.  I'm afraid I wouldn't still be here right now if I hadn't started the meds.  I am thankful I was on them these last few months, for sure.   I wish you good health and happiness.  Here's to a better 2008 than 2007 was!

will,

first, i gotta say i'm simply blown away by the responses from the guys. it's amazing. i think the best thing you did was come here and lay it out. this is not about me but i came here once too with a huge problem. addiction. believe me, i was as low as you are. somehow just coming on the site really helped. i'm not a therapy kind of guy but these guys helped me see things and were there just to talk. i got a ton of private emails too. so if you connect with someone on this board or several guys, try to email them privately.

i can say for a fact, nobody is going to care as much about you and try to help you than these guys and your family. losses are hard to take, plain and simple. it's what you do after the loss that counts. i'm sure your mom would want to see you happy and have friends that care about you. well, welcome to the club. we're here.....carbonblob