follow up to Atty Dallas

Russ, Thanks for putting me on "the front end of the list" But I have no idea why. As far as Looks/Physique/Transformation, go, I went from being an Morbidly Obese Goofy-looking Dude To an Average Goofy-Looking Dude. No athletic build, nothing exceptional at all. I have gotten to Normal, but mostly through modified Habits. I get in Some Walking, a tiny bit of jogging, But my "Exercise" is minimal. My whole life, I lived in my body, Moved through the world, in my body, The way people drive around in there car. The Body was not ME, I was just in it. (Does that make ANY Sense?) For about the first 3 years I felt like a character from "Tale of the Body Thief." Like I had ‘possessed’ the body of a stranger. Once the excess flesh burned away, I felt that bit by bit I just became used to a new car… It’s Not ME, I’m just IN it. (maybe that’s the disconnect I feel that allows me to not to equate my ‘self image’ With my ‘body image.’) I don’t "Know" Anything, But I "Believe" a lot of things. As far as being ‘satisfied?’ Physically, I’m always a work in progress. But I was pretty ‘satisfied’ with my life in general Even when I was more than twice this weight. Having the gravity turned down Has just made me happier. Although I’m a Happy person, I’m rarely "Satisfied" with status-quo. I want, and work toward, things being better. Better designed, cheaper, faster, more durable, more accessible, more essential, etc…. In my work (designing) I always want MORE! In general, I think that "Satisfaction" is over-rated. Contentment is not "The Mother of Invention." If the cavemen had been warm and cozy With food falling off of every tree, They would have never invented fire and spears. Yes? I think there are multiple aspects of this whole "Journey" business. Physical improvement, Psychological improvement, Emotional improvement, etc… All I have really accomplished so far Is -Not-Dying… and getting my health in line. The rest of my life hasn’t changed really. Sure, easier shopping for clothes, better sex, more energy…blah, blah, blah BUT- I am still made Happy by the same things as before. My Wife, My Work, My Art, My Friends, My Church, etc… Those things haven’t changed. Wasted energy and exertion that I burdened myself with prior to WLS? Sure. But- I believe, In Forgiveness. My self image/esteem was never derived from My Body image. I’m sure some psyche doc might think such detachment Qualifies me as a full-out-loony-tune. But, so far, it’s been a good life. Hell, it’s the only one I’ve had, so I have no real comparison. (Warning, I just got my second wind, this could get long, I don’t know… forgive my stream of conscious- typing in tongues, Holy Ghost Moment… ) I believe that there’s so much more of Life ahead. And it has Nothing to do with 10 or 200 lbs of flesh. I don’t Believe there are any Absolutes. I don’t believe there is any Black and White In the world. It’s just our perceptions of the colors, And the absences of them that make it seem so. The Simple Answer is- There are no simple answers. I don’t "Know" Anything, But I "Believe" a lot of things. I believe that all of our Journeys are more about Our Heads and Hearts than our Big Butts! "The Numbers" are just hollow indicators of the Gravitational pulls of the Earth and Have Nothing To do with Who We Are. My Cynical side thinks- "Oh Yeah, Right, No real difference between 50 and 250 lbs overweight? What a Bunch of BS! Think Much? Why not just suggest that I ‘Whistle a Happy Tune’!?!?" What’s that Joseph Campbell quote? "Careful which gods you mock, For they will never serve you again?" I Believe That. If one is able to cynically laugh off the notion Of "Whistling a Happy Tune" To make them feel better, Then they will Never be Comforted By a Happy Tune Again. It works with everything. Once you believe that Santa Does Not Exist, He Ceases to Exist. Snicker at the Notion of "True Love?" And it will Never be Yours. So, are we to drool our way like idiot children Through the World in order to reap the benefits Of the Imaginary, Shallow, Vapid proverbial Notions Like – "Every Cloud has a Silver Lining." "Everything Happens for a Reason." Etc………. We would be defenseless Dupes In a World of Fraudulent Cons. I Believe, Yes. Sell All of your Cleverness to Buy What little Wonder and Astonishment you can. But- How do we Forget that the World Is a fairly cold cynical place that doesn’t care? How do we Dismiss a Life Spent questioning ourselves, gathering REAL Knowledge and Information? Now that I’ve eaten the Apple How do I get back to the Joy of the Garden? I believe, In Forgiveness. Forgiveness allows us to "Spit out the Apple." I forgive Myself for desperately Needing Answers. I forgive the World for Not having them. I forgive Everyone who has Ever made me feel Less about myself, Particularly Me. Complete Absolution of Everything, For Everything. Venting out old buried anger or grief does not get rid of them. It only wears a deeper groove To reinforce the power of that sadness or anger. I believe, In Forgiveness. It allows me to remember that I am an Infinite Being of Perfection That has come to this world for a brief time To play among these amusingly naïve ideas Of Space and Time. I have no need to Carry or Redistribute Anger, Guilt, Sadness. I giggle at the ridiculousness of these Truly Childish Concepts. I believe, In Forgiveness. I sing myself to sleep in the only way possible, By singing to others And drifting on the echoes returning to me. I shower myself with Pure Love in the only way possible, By pouring it on to others and dancing in the spray That playfully splashes back. True Love is Everywhere and I whistle it a Happy Tune. I So Believe, In Forgiveness. I am weightless and I choose to remain here not because Of the Earth’s pull, But because – I am an Infinite Being of Perfection and Light That has come to this world for a brief time To play among these amusingly naïve ideas Of Space and Time. I choose to enjoy this place for now. This place holds my interest because it has No Absolutes, No Blacks or Whites Only Colors that create the illusion of them. I don’t "Know" Anything, But I "Believe" a lot of things. So I choose- "Maybe this is a dream…" But don’t wake up! Sing yourself to Sleep by Singing to others Or Cry yourself to Sleep by Crying for others. "You have never really lived until you've done something For someone who can never repay you." ------Anonymous (how fitting!) There’s so much more of Life ahead. Let's Run to it! Oh well….. If everything hasn’t worked out the best in the end? -Then it’s not really the End Yet. Sorry no answers… Thanks for letting me spew thoughts….. Best Wishes- Dx

Holy smokes, Dx what a heavy (in a great way) post!! Thanks for spilling your guts as I read every single word and was mesmorized by your poetic response. I'm glad you got your second wind, Dx. Boner

One thought on your post is "life in this sometimes cruel world is easier when you aren't morbidly obese."  A solid "physical exterior" helps grease the skids so to speak. I think many of us did (still) have the following problem thus the constant struggle....... "My self image/esteem was never derived from My Body image." Boner
 

Dx, if I should ever reach the summit of the mountain of enlightenment, I would find you there! (I only wish you could put these essays on audio so I could just plug-in and listen rather than try to keep these bi-focals on the line I'm trying to read). Thank you for all you do. Doug

Dx, Wow! Thanks for the inspiration. There are a few times when I shed a tear other than the death of my parents: When Kevin Costner played pitch and catch with his father in "Field of Dreams," When Forest Gump started running after Jennie left, and when I carefully read you post.

At 2+ years out, I consider myself a success at losing 240lbs and keeping it off. I went into WLS with three primary goals, reverse the downward spiral in my health, prolong my life and I just wanted to be a normal guy again instead of always being the biggest guy in the room. I consider myself a success because I have achieved all of those things but as Boner said there is still a fat man inside of me. I have the last pair of 58-inch pants and 4XL shirt I ever bought. If you look on my profile page, you'll see my and my son Bill wearing those pants together, side by side. It does help remind me where I started and where I am now but the fat kid/guy is still with me. I'm not afraid of him anymore because I believe I have a long-term plan for my success. I keep working my plan everyday but I never forget what it was like to be the biggest guy in the room and I never will. Tim

Hey Tim, Did you ever tell your story to the OH magazine folks? If not, you should cause ain't many of us who could live up to the high standards set by the folks at Duke. Hope all is well. Boner

Thanks Boner... All is well in Carolian these days. I have considerd telling my story to OH but they seem to be more into hawking products to MO and WLS folks now days. Not sure I want to help them sell ad space. I may contact them once all the Duke stuff dies down but I am so busy with work and my son's last months in high school. He just finish 7 AP exams over the past two weeks. He is going to UNC next year so we are gearing up for college right now. He will become a junior at UNC after his first semester because of all the AP credits (53) he is bringing from high school. He is a great kid and I am very proud of him and his accoplishments. I am excited to see what he will achieve in the world. He was a major factor in my choice to have WLS because I want to be around to help him stay on to the right path. Take Care brother... Regards, Tim

Great topic, and very real issue for everyone i think.   Meditation, yoga, and journaling have helped me see beyond the physical side of myself, and get in touch with the deeper parts of myself that I've been hiding for so many years. Thank you to eveyone for speaking so honestly and openly about this.