my husband

Hey guys, I really need a guys point of view on a situation here.  My husband recently had his first surgery consult toward an eventual RNY.  I had my RNY in December and I'm doing great.  Knowing my husband would be doing the same thing as soon as I recovered, I shared with him all the little things I discovered along the way.  Tips, tricks, knowledge, this support site, etc.  Knowing the tremendous committment and lifestyle changes that WLS requires, I have encouraged him to begin preparing himself for what he'll need to do.  He has resisted everything.  He continues to make horrible choices when he eats. (example: He recently opted for a DOUBLE order of fries the last time we went out to eat!)  He still takes such huge bites of food I get scared he's going to choke and some of the food dribbles down his face as it overflows his mouth.  He ate two filet-o-fish sandwiches a few days ago in less than 2 minutes.  He's also not interested in learning anything about the surgery.  He saw a picture of it and that's all he wants to know.  As for nutrition, he knows less than a 1st grader.  He's not sure what the difference is between sugar-free and fat-free and he's not interested in learning.  If I ask him to make a vegetable to go with dinner, he makes rice.  I tried to encourage him to browse the men's forum and talk to you guys.  He's not interested in that either.  He talks about a couple of coworkers who've done the surgery who have not done what their surgeons told them to do and have continuously cheated as if these will be his role models.  I could go on, but I think y'all get the picture.  Does this sound like a guy who's ready to take on a gastric bypass?  I'm worried that not only will HE fail, his failure will make it all the more difficult for me to succeed in the long run.  I think he believes that I'll prop him up, make his choices for him, take charge of the nutrition info, guide all the medical needs, etc., as if I'm his MOTHER?!?!?  GEEZ!!  I don't want to be his f-ing mother!!!!!!!!!!  How can I get my husband to take some ownership, some responsibility, in this big step he's taking?    Should I just not let this bother me and let him fall on his face on his own? I really need a guy's perspective on this.  Should I just step back and let him come to this when he's mentally ready?  I don't want to be a nagging wife, so how can I get him on board?  If he's not mentally ready by the date of his surgery date however, I'm going to call his (our) surgeon and tell him.

Meredith,

WLS is like quitting smoking. It is not going to work for you till your head, aka your heart, and body are ready together. From what you say it sounds like he is no way near ready for the ride. He needs to get his head out of his ass if he is going to embark on this. You can't make him take ownership. You are correct though in not wanting to be his enabler.

This is the Men's Board. We all take a strong stance against any women posting here and act as gatekeepers. We know the women lurk, which is fine, but posting by a woman is not. You were here to ask a question for your hubby but this could have stayed on the Main, or RNY, board and a man would have responded or an OH staffer would have brought it to our attention.

Good day.

Thanks so much for your reply.  I didn't realize I'd "crossed the line" by posting here.  I've never lurked here and have only been on OH since August.  I had no idea there was an understanding that women aren't supposed to post.  I was just looking for support from the guys.  Sorry.  And thanks again for taking time to reply and give me your input.  I may post to the main board too.

I wont bite as hard .  Mens board or not, your questions need a guys answer.  You and my wife had the same fears.  When asked by the surgen how she felt about this.  She became distant and aloff to the idea.  The Doc finally stated the life threatening consequences I'll be facing if I dont have the RYS.  She then woke up. She thought this was a last resort option to early.
You might want to clean the refer, pantry etc of high carbs, sugars, and junk. Dont go to junk shacks with him. MAke your changes noticable and strict   
Has he had his 6 month diet program?
Also, dont be his anything, and dont try to advise or change.  let him fail. like stop smoking he needs to get his head into it.  My wife leaves me alone and that means no expectations.  He may be seeking attention, and  self imploding the same time  Sounds like a lot of button pushing on his part and woofing down large amounts fast is for show  and self destructive behavior . DONT TOUCH it can drag you down to
Good luck

You sound like you are acting like his mother already.  If he really wants to get WLS, he'll be screened by the surgeon's office and the psych eval.  Even if he cheats like I did, during the first 18 mos post-op he'll probably lose a lot of weight.  I weighed 571 at surgery and went down to 335 even though I started cheating at about 3 mos post-op.  I'm a carb addict and junk food junkie and the WLS did nothing for those conditions.  However, I can only eat small portions at meals due to the reduced size of the stomach and because of malabsorbtion.  Look at my Latest Posts to see how I've become abstinate from my addictive foods in the past three weeks.

I suspect that your husband's friends who have been cheating will soon see their weight loss slowing or even reversing, i.e., the'll regain some weight.  As to preparing his post-op meals and watching out for his meds, I suspect you are already preparing them pre-op.

If my response sounds at all offensive to you, please Contact me directly through OH rather than stirring up any problems on the Men's Forum. 

I am both mentally ill--Bi-polar-- and was super morbidly obese at the time of my RNY.  My wife has always prepared my meals (even though I haven't worked since July, 1992).  I take care of my own meds.

I do suggest that you share your venting on the Main Forum where you will probably find a lot of allies.

Meredith,

If you recall your first month you basically didn't want to eat.  The signal from your brain is cut off to your stomach.  He will definately fall on his face and you need to let him, don't be his mother, but be his partner.  It sounds like he has some deep rooted eating habits that will need to be addressed as they surface.  My wife had her surgery first and then I did; up until the actual day of the surgery I was psyched to do it.  A day before I said to her, "if I'm not happy after it's your fault".  Of course it was nerves talking.  Perhaps he is the kind of "cross the bridge when I come to it" guy.  There was also a bit of gealosy involved when I saw the pounds and inches flying off my wife.  It was hard to see that until I experienced it myself.  He will learn as he goes, but at least he is willing to do it.  He will learn the first time he gets a bad reaction from eating too fast or gets something stuck when he doesn't chew his food.  Just make sure he understands what he is doing.  Make an appointment with the nutritionist before the surgery so he hears someone else's voice telling him what to do, so it sinks in a little further.

I agree with previous responders.
I would also suggest that you NOT call your husband's surgeon.  If your husband brings you to an appointment with the surgeon and if you are asked, then say what is on your mind. Otherwise, you are really crossing the line.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.  I really appreciate eveyone's frank and honest replies.  That's what I needed to hear.  I've decided to back off and let him find his way on his own time.  I'll continue to lead by example and encourage him, but I'm not going to fret over it anymore.  I hate the thought of mothering him.  He takes care of his own meds and even does his own laundry.  Since my surgery I rarely cook now, so he even fends for himself for most meals.  Last night he made himself sick eating junk, but I didn't say a word.  He asked if he could take some of the Papaya Enzyme I take when I feel my food gets stuck, so I gave him two of my chewable tablets.  He's lying down now.  He'll have to learn on his own.

Hello NC Sister!

As a member of yet another "husband wife team" RNY, I have to chime in.  Your husband sounds ALOT like myself in the weeks/months leading up to my surgery.  My wife had also gone first (ladies first right?), and I used to make her sick shoveling myself full of junk.  I had an extended "last meal syndrome" thing going on.  I think ALOT of folks (and a WHOLE LOT of male patients) go through this.  I remember well my wife would look at me and just say "You've got a big reality check coming bud."  She was right, and I was an idiot. 

Let him make his own mistakes.  Let him go through the screening process.  Let him get his @ss kicked.  He'll learn, and he'll probably be fine.

Good luck

Jason
...at goal, 'nuff said.