I need to hold myself accountable....

Disclaimer: This post is for me to hold myself accountable I am not looking to be shamed for what I have done, but want to put this out there rather than hide with it.  If you would like to offer support, great I welcome it, I am not looking for a lecture or chiding.

With that said I am posting this because I have not been doing very well the past week or two.  I have gotten tangled up in the carb monster and snack monster's webs and and finding myself reverting back to old habits fast.  Friday night is when it really kicked into high gear because I was feeling very, very depressed and so ate to try and numb the feelings inside me (to be able to see and acknowldege this is a very big step for me).   Since then I haven't stopped the carb snacking even though I am feeling better.  So, today as much as it goes against what I was taught about wasting food I am cleaning out my desk drawers and my cupbord, fridge and freezer and throwing out all of my unhealthy, carb laden foods and will replace them with healthier, protien packed foods.  I also have to admit that I have been drinking shortly after I eat my snacks which defeats the purpose if I was eating to satiate hunger and is just flat out a big no-no and I am stopping that right now as well.  In order to get back to where I need to be I am going to take a 2 day breather and use the last of the cleansing drink I got 2 months ago to sort of do a quick little detox of my body from all of the carbs, fat and sugar I have been indulging in.  I know some of you have issues with the whole liquid diet thing, but this is more than just a liquid diet as the powder is considered "medical food" meaning it contains protien, fiber and vitamins and minerals and is made specifically to detox the body.  I need to purge my kitchen I have far too many carbs just laying around that are far too easy to grab.  I will also take the garbage out to the dumpster after I clean out my kitchen so the temptation to grab it back out is not there (and yes I have done it before).  I am also going to do everything in my power to go back to the PNC plan of no snacks, but rather have milk between my meals.  I have decided I need to get over my fat phobia and will pick up some soy milk as post-op I am lactose intollerant, and start that as of Friday.  I will pack my food to bring with me to my parents' house this weekend and not eat the cake or frosting I am making for my nephews birthday because I have learned that simple carbs just make you crave more and it is a very slippery slope I am finally catching myself from going over the edge of and into the ravine!  So, thank you for reading this and any support is welcome.  I know that I have made some mistakes and I take full responsibility them all and am now working to fix them.  It does no good for me to go out running and tone my muscles if I am not putting the right sort of fuel in my body...it is sort of like putting diesl fuel into an unleaded vehicle and before I completely break down I am flushing the fuel lines and the filling up with the right type of fuel (can you tell I like analogies).  Love & Hugs to you all!   Nicole

Hey Jarvis Eyes...that's the best post I've read in a long time!!!
Good for you for realizing where you were headed and for having a plan to turn it around.

You will succeed because you have the attitude for nothing short of it! WTG Nicole.

Thank you Amy!  I am hoping that by keeping it real about what this journey is really like will help others on their journey, and will give those who are new to the journey an idea of what life is like post-op, it is not a nice little walk from obesity to skinny, but that you have to really work for what you want.  I know that some people say "Just follow the rules and you'll get there in no time", but the reality is that life happens we make unhealthy choices, but that is okay we can learn from it and move on with a lesson learned. 

A-fricken-Men

Thank you Farrah, I know from your previous posts that you understand this battle!  I hope that you too are able to banish the Carb Monster, he is a like ants and doesn't like to go away very easily! 

You know what? Things have been MUCH easier since I started that Wellbutrin. Sure, I don't always make the best choices, but I don't make as many bad choices as I did. :) It's so amazing not to have to think about food constantly - where it's going to come from, what I'm going to eat, what I'm craving, what I'm guilty about having just ate? It's kind of freeing - it frees me up to worry about other stuff.

So I hear you through and through. This journey is damned tough. It's about 200 times tougher than I expected. Unfortunately there's not much you can do before WLS to prepare yourself other than living it.

Farrah

I am actually on Wellbutrin and have been for just over a year and I have found that it made a huge difference in my ruminating thoughts, I just still struggle with the whole food thing and who knows if an increase would make a difference.  Something I may have to keep in mind for my next psych appointment.

I hear ya about it being 200 times harder, I sometimes wish I could let my sister see just how hard this is as she has told me that it isn't as hard for me as for her and my mom who are trying to loose weight without WLS....whatever, I am just so thankful for a group of wonderful people who understand and are ready to help one another as we muddle through this journey!

Nicole,

None of us live in glass houses, at least that I know of. You are just as human as the rest of us, make the same good and bad decisions. Kudos to you to you to be able to reach out and talk about what is going on with you.

I understand the fear of being flamed or yelled at for saying hey life sucks and I am doing all I can to fix it, but I need help.

Hugs and I know you can do this,

Karen

Thanks Karen!  I know that I am stronger than this.  Oh, and I am also starting a book that helps to deal with thought patterns and how they affect our lives so I am hoping that, that will help as well.  I have learned that holding on to this makes it seem more shameful and like I failed, but by putting it out there I am saying hey I messed up, but here is how I am going to fix it, plus I believe it is helpful for the newcomers to see that this journey is not a nice little stroll through the park that there are cliffs and slippery slopes and that you have to be willing to put on your hiking boots, get a little dirty and not give up.  ~Nicole

Nicole....no judgement here!
We all have had times we haven't always done as we should. I had a week like that when I was in Iowa...ugh!! Got back home....back in the saddle so to speak.  I am following the rules now and that is what matters.
I commend you for expressing this and facing up to the Carb Monster!!
We all know you really work hard at working with your tool. This was just a slip. Don't beat yourself up over it.

You looked so awesome on Saturday...wooohoo...it has been awhile since I saw you last. You are so pretty....love your eyes!!

(((((HUGS)))))  connie d