Double question... Boyfriend daughter is overweight & dealing with teenage girls.

I have been pondering two different things for sometime now, and it dawned on me... bring them here.. I will get some excellent imput.

My boyfriends daughter has a fairly large weight problem. I obviously can sympathize with her as I have been there and done that. Here's the issue. How do I help her without making her feel bad? The only thing I think I can really do is lead by example... she hasn't gotten the concept of portion control... so I am thinking about using my weigh****cher tools... (yep, still have them.) and start measureing out and tracking all my points etc. (I want to lose another 12-15lbs anyway by Febuary 14th) Does anyone else have ANY suggestions?

Now here is the other issue. I get along well with the family... I love them all.... however, to put it nicely.... the kids are super lazy. I have gotten the son to help more around the house...(18, and unemployed) but the daughter just doesn't want to pick up after herself. She will brush her teeth, or use face wash in the kitchen...and leave it there.. it drives me nuts. Eating in the living room, and leaving the dishes there... when they do make it to the kitchen, rarely rinsed out & put in the dishwasher.

When I first started seeing Dan, this house was a disaster. He was trying, but the kids were no help. Since I have come along it has gotten a lot better. ( I found mail in a magazine holder from 2002) I have been complimented many times on how much better the house looks (Even by his ex-wifes father, who lives right next door) I am not asking this girl to do a lot, just pick up after herself. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get her to do this without looking like the wicked step mother? Anyone? Anyone?

Thanks guys,... somehow, I know I will get some really great tips on both these issues.

I was a step mother to two girls that sound a lot like your step daughter.  First of all is to lead by example as you said.  Also try keeping healthy foods in the house and not many bad/junk foods.  Maybe asking if she'd like to take a walk with you or other things that will encourage exercise or movement.  Is she interested in any sports?

As for cleaning up after herself, make a chore list for her and some sort of a reward system, going to a movie, a trip to the DQ or something like that if she completes all of her chores for the week & cleans up after herself.  It may sound mean, but it got to the point that I told my step daughters that I was going to start throwing away stuff they left all over the house.  I only had to throw away one or two things before they believed me and started cleaning up after themselves.

Good luck, you'll probably get resistance and some anger before it gets better.

For the gal? I  say lead by example... that's the best bet.

Otherwise, after listening to parenting professionals.. it seems like children that are not your own will rarely want to listen to you. You have to convince Dan about her weight problem and their laziness problem and have him start changing the rules in the house slowly but consistently. That's just my thought on it.

Ditto what Elena said.  It has to come from him or it has to be "their idea."  Until they respect you as a member of the family, you aren't going to "get them" to anything.  The mess bothers you, not them.  It is your thing, not theirs. 

Maybe ask if they have thought about redecorating their bedrooms and if you can help them to pick out the paint color to repaint it, rearrange the furniture, etc.  Then while you are in the rooms, organize them with proper storage, give them a good cleaning and "remodel" the room.  Give them something to be proud of and keep clean.  Otherwise, just shut their doors.  It's their space.

For the living area, have a cleaning day so the Christmas decorating can be done.  Saturday can be cleaning day, Sunday can be decorating day -- make it a mandatory family weekend.  Reward them with Saturday dinner at their favorite restaurant or a movie the following weekend. 

With the cleaning up after themselves -- leading by example is the only way.  I learned many years ago it takes less energy to just spend 15 minutes "straightening up" when I see a mess than it takes to be frustrated about it.  When you are cleaning up the daily mess, simply hand them the dirty dishes and ask them to put into the kitchen sink for you, please (and lots of thank you's for helping you when they do).  Then soak the dishes for 5 minutes in ho****er while you wipe down the counters.  Since we can't drink 1/2 before or after meals, I use this time to prepare dinner and clean up a little, and then after eating, cleaning up the kitchen, etc.  The 1/2 hour passes quickly and I've cleaned up too.

Patience is foremost -- blending families is very difficult and just takes time.

I am not so concerned with their rooms, as that is their area. And I have already been doing the asking, please, thank you etc. I have been trying to walk very carefully here.

I will be honest, from what I have seen on here so far, I am handling it correctly. But the redecorating idea is a good one.. I will have to work that one in.

And I am leading by example.... give gentle reminders, when I see they have left a mess, I ask them to please pick it up, and when they do.. I always say thank you.

I was surprised on Thanksgiving day when the daughter just had to show her cousin the upstairs bathroom.. because it was clean.... I had scrubbed the floor with bleach,(the lanolium will be replaced soon, so wasn't to concerned with doing damage, and it was pretty nasty behind the toilet) The shower curtain that I thought was cream colored, I threw in the washer with soap and bleach... it's actually white!!!!!

Thanks for the advice, just tells me I am going about it the right way.

That's a tough one, I guess unless your relationship with Dad is strong and you see a future together, it's not your problem to handle, the girl will make it miserable for you, just my guess?