update

Hello everyone,  Just another update things are still really hectic around here...... I went to Fargo friday my dad got worse on thursday better friday and when I got there friday He looked really bad.  I held him and cried my eyes out and told him it was okay to let go that we would all be fine and that I eould take care of grandma.  I told him to go be with his best friend that just passed away also and his brother.  He was listening to me....he started to let go.  The Dr's told us to get everyone there and to say our goodbyes so we did and guess what he is still here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The Dr's are stunned he went from being purple to pink again his heart rate went from 190 to 140 and his blood pressure went from 66/44 to 114/90......   WTF>>>>>>>>  what is he doing..... I am baffled and don't know what to think.  I said my good byes and won't be able to go back I can't do it financially, or emotionally anymore.  I am so stressed and *****y yikes....I hate life,everyone and everything and thats not me.  I would like just to stay in bed and sleep.  I am calling my Dr. today to see if they can get me in for therapy or something.  I think I should admit myself for awhile but I don't know if it would help. I am mad at my kids and my husband and wonder why I even stay and thats not like me........ WHATEVER I guess.  I feel bad to leave him and feel I should keep going back  what do I do??????? Thanks for listening...... DRIVE SAFE EVERYONE............
Marsha 

OH Marsha I read your post and my heart breaks for all that you have endure this year and all this with your father. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this. I can only think that I would be just as frustrated at life as you are.

You continue to remain in my thoughts and prayers daily!!

Hugs sweet lady!! I wish I had a way I could take this all from you but, I don't!! I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Thank you......pm your number I can't find it.......go figure huh......Love ya Marsh  soon to be 1 year my surgery sista....

Oh Marsha, I am so sorry you are going thru this. The Good Lord does work in mysterious ways. Maybe there is something or someone your dad is waiting on. You may never know. But know this, you have done all you can do and your dad knows that you love him. Just remember that the Lord brought you to it, HE WILL SEE YOU GET THRU IT!!! Hang on and be strong, take a little time for you right now. Go talk to someone outside of the family, vent a little bit. But more importantly take care of you!!!

(((HUGS)))
CarolN

(((Marsha)))

I wish there was something I could do.......Please take care of you.....And I do think it might help you to go talk to a therapist......Loosing a parent or family member is so hard, especially when there so far away.........I think it is amazing how much time you have spent going there......I'm sure money wise it's been tough......But in the end you'll be able to say, I got to see my Dad as much as I could.......

I don't think anyone of us can answer your question about going to see him.........Do what is right for you.......Don't feel quilty if you can't go see him, or if you emotionally can't........

As far as your kid's & hubby, I know it's tough......I'm sure it's tough on your whole family......Just remember, you LOVE your kid's & hubby.....We tend to take things out on the people we love........Maybe sit down with your hubby & kids and let them know this is a hard time for you.....And you need extra Love & support from them, and maybe a few extra hugs.........Just snuggling with my little one always makes me feel better.....

I hope this has helped a little?

Hang in there........Kelly

Hon, I understand very clearly what you are going through, and it sucks from all angles. 

You want to go see your dad as much as you can, but you're sick of it.  You beat yourself up for admitting you're sick of the whole routine.  And you go again, because of the guilt.  There's no way to deny the guilt.

Your family is frustrated because you're not there for them the way THEY want you to be there for them, so they get ornery at you as well.  Everyone is snapping at you, and you're snapping at them because they just don't understand. 

And ALL this negativity is because you LOVE someone DEEPLY, and you know he's dying.  How could you possibly find a silver lining in it all?

Only when your dad finally passes, and you know he's not suffering anymore.  Your family will see you grieve, and maybe understand a bit what you were going through.  They'll soften up a little, and you'll soften up because you need and love them, and time passes, and the hurt lessens...  But it takes time, and you're feeling impatient, and you don't even know or want to admit why.  You just want it to be over, without wanting to accept what that means.

I do get it.  I'll pm you my #, but I can really only talk in the evening - too flippin' busy at work these days  (yes, I'm here now, but not nearly as much as before ski season...)

Love you, sending you hugs and unconditional love & understanding.

Marsha:

Love, frustration and impending grief are a volatile mix, so it should not be surprising that you are apparently perpetually upset of late.  The advice you got from previous posters is sound.  Darla, in particular, really is a wise woman and she proved it again in her reply above, to which I can add nothing of value.  With your emotions in a jumble and your awareness of how little patience you have with your hubby and kids right now, I do think therapy might help you get through this difficult period in your life.  I have been seeing a female bariatric psychologist in Shoreview for other reasons, but she has been quite helpful and if you need her contact info, please PM me.

Take care,

RP

Marsha- It's got to be so difficult with your dad's condition seeming to get better and worse over and over.  I think if you're thinking it might be good for you to talk to a therapist, you should.  What's going on with your dad is effecting all areas of your life, and it's understandibly very stressful for you, and your immediate family.  I hope you find something to ease your emotional load. It's got to be taking a tole on your body as well as your mind. I know we haven't met, but I'm a hugger, and I'm sending you a cyber hug tonight.