I am angry because...
I am angry that I am the only surviving child of 6.
4 died of Cystic Fibrosis, 2 of them I never really knew. The other, my older sister died of cancer at 34 because it was more important for her to be in England on a software installation than staying here and getting a mammogram.
I am angry that my daughter Laurie has Cystic Fibrosis and that I and her no-account sperm-donor gave it to her.
I am angry that my father used to tell me not to spend all his money at "Omar The Tentmakers" when my mom would take me shopping. That he used to say "for such a fat kid, you have such thin skin, quit your crying"
I hate the fact that I now through WLS weigh what I did in high school and both my parents think I look great. The logic in that escapes me completely.
I am so thanful that Nemi is healthy and happy and well not so happy she is in the terrible twos. But, I will take her just the way she is.
I am so happy that Marlin, Laurie, Jason, Nemi, and MANY others have supported my decision to move out of Marlin's mom's house. This allows me to take care of my nutritional needs on my own without his mom telling me what and how to cook.
Happy that I fit into a size 14 jeans for the first time in my life.. Yeah Elena, I know just how you feel.
I think I will go snuggle in bed and dream the night away.
4 died of Cystic Fibrosis, 2 of them I never really knew. The other, my older sister died of cancer at 34 because it was more important for her to be in England on a software installation than staying here and getting a mammogram.
I am angry that my daughter Laurie has Cystic Fibrosis and that I and her no-account sperm-donor gave it to her.
I am angry that my father used to tell me not to spend all his money at "Omar The Tentmakers" when my mom would take me shopping. That he used to say "for such a fat kid, you have such thin skin, quit your crying"
I hate the fact that I now through WLS weigh what I did in high school and both my parents think I look great. The logic in that escapes me completely.
I am so thanful that Nemi is healthy and happy and well not so happy she is in the terrible twos. But, I will take her just the way she is.
I am so happy that Marlin, Laurie, Jason, Nemi, and MANY others have supported my decision to move out of Marlin's mom's house. This allows me to take care of my nutritional needs on my own without his mom telling me what and how to cook.
Happy that I fit into a size 14 jeans for the first time in my life.. Yeah Elena, I know just how you feel.
I think I will go snuggle in bed and dream the night away.
I am angry that my mother would constantly tell me to suck in my stomach...then feed me mashed potatoes and gravy, donuts and basically a diet full of crap 24/7.
I am angry at one of my high school teachers for saying in front of the entire class " but I bet you ate alot this weekend" after he found out I forgot my book at school and didn't get a paper done. But I feel blessed, that the entire class was disgusted with his comment because I was well liked. I wish he were still alive today, instead of dying of cancer at a somewhat young age, because a big part of me would like to pay him a visit and tell him what he did to me that day.
I am also angry at another teacher, this time 5th grade..because one day doing a science experiment. He picked certain students to blow through a hose into a jug of water to see the float move. First the tallest, the shortest, the skinniest and the heaviest and the one with the biggest apples.
I was certain I was going to be picked as the biggest, but ohh lucky me, I was not, I got picked as the girl with the biggest apples. * *******
Some days I feel like being a immature brat and toilet papering his damn house haha
I'm sure the list is longer..but that's a start.
I am angry at one of my high school teachers for saying in front of the entire class " but I bet you ate alot this weekend" after he found out I forgot my book at school and didn't get a paper done. But I feel blessed, that the entire class was disgusted with his comment because I was well liked. I wish he were still alive today, instead of dying of cancer at a somewhat young age, because a big part of me would like to pay him a visit and tell him what he did to me that day.
I am also angry at another teacher, this time 5th grade..because one day doing a science experiment. He picked certain students to blow through a hose into a jug of water to see the float move. First the tallest, the shortest, the skinniest and the heaviest and the one with the biggest apples.
I was certain I was going to be picked as the biggest, but ohh lucky me, I was not, I got picked as the girl with the biggest apples. * *******
Some days I feel like being a immature brat and toilet papering his damn house haha
I'm sure the list is longer..but that's a start.
Great subject!! I also did the "If you really knew me, you'd know........" on my kids!
I am angry that my birth mother couldn't figure out a way to keep me and I ended up in a disfunctional adopted family. I feel that I have never been worthy of being loved if my own mother didn't love me, why would anyone else?! But if all that didn't happened I wouldn't have the hubby and kids that I have!!
I am angry that when my kids were 3, 2 and 1 my hubby got cancer and we went through he__! But after all that we wouldn't have the deep connection, and loving relationship that we have today. He is a survivor!!!!!!
I am angry that I haven't figured out the emotional reasons I could never keep weight off after losing it. But I am thankful for this final opportunity to get it straight, once and for all.
OK I better stop there, this is too deep before having to go to work and put on my happy face!!
I am angry that my birth mother couldn't figure out a way to keep me and I ended up in a disfunctional adopted family. I feel that I have never been worthy of being loved if my own mother didn't love me, why would anyone else?! But if all that didn't happened I wouldn't have the hubby and kids that I have!!
I am angry that when my kids were 3, 2 and 1 my hubby got cancer and we went through he__! But after all that we wouldn't have the deep connection, and loving relationship that we have today. He is a survivor!!!!!!
I am angry that I haven't figured out the emotional reasons I could never keep weight off after losing it. But I am thankful for this final opportunity to get it straight, once and for all.
OK I better stop there, this is too deep before having to go to work and put on my happy face!!
BreezyGal
on 1/28/09 4:48 pm, edited 1/28/09 4:55 pm
on 1/28/09 4:48 pm, edited 1/28/09 4:55 pm
My road to morbid obesity: I 'could' be angry for growing up with a manic-depressive, emotionally and physically abusive mother who was constantly not appropriately 'there' for five kids, not providing emotional nourishment or physical tenderness showing love.. (In the 60s such people were hospitalized six weeks to three months and only treated for clinical depression, then sent home so doped up--until the next round). Was never emotionally nurtured, and never learned how, just doing the best I can. Will take more years of therapy for me to learn how to fill in so many gaps, Through faith, I can easily forgive anyone for anything, though it's just not easy to forget.
I 'could' be angry, having a neurological disease with disability which can be frustrating, more since WLS...being tiny, feeling so vulnerable. Was so easy being morbidly obese ('unhealthy, how ironic), due to feeling invisible and learning to 'cover' with keen humor, most often made a joke out the stumbling stammering, and being misunderstood for 'being on drugs, or drunk'. (twenty-six years until diagnosed). WLS people want to be with people who 'get it'. I 'could' be angry that there are so many diseases other than morbid obesity which people face and hunger for similar unconditional support and understanding. Rather, are castigated or shunned for 'being different.', not fitting into people's uninformed expectations.
Some of 'many' current blessings: I focus on what I CAN do, rather cannot do. (spending one-on-one time with elderly residents off-hours where I work part time; spending time with numerous MS peers who are living wheel-chair bound with horrid progression of the disease) It's useless to waste precious energy with anger, negativity (unfortunately been misconstrued through mere written words). I am not angry, and continually pray for merciful guidance and forgiveness in the things my disrupted cognitive abilities cause to say or do inappropriately and cannot remember--cannot be helped, unfortunately it's the way it is. I am so grateful for my blessings! A dozen genuine college friends, all in our low fifties now. We know each others' personal histories, and kept in touch thirty years, growing individually. I do cherish many former co-workers who've mostly remained friends through the recent diseases and struggles---and yes, accomplishments. It's so important, being human, to let go of the 'naturally' negative daily influences in the big world, in our little worlds. One thing I've learned in therapy: every evening, write down five wonderful, positive things from the day. HUGE blessing: Tues. evening when getting taxes done, and happened to sit by a gal who after conversing, found we had so mu*****ommon, including: both had WLS (she a year ago, I keep private info private, though will be accompanying her to her hospital support groups . What a blessing, that I'm able to emotionally support her, so recently laid off work, unable to afford her supplements and healthy foods. Am so blessed to be rid of ex-guy leech (five months now with no overeating, no smoking!), that I'm able to actually enjoy purchasing and giving needed items for her. Am so blessed, that I'm able to show her genuine respect and friendship. Unbelievable, that we all have blessings surprise us any time we are open to accepting them. Sorry so long, though felt all of this was very appropriate to the topic. Thank you Elena! Patti (I'd been given the following to share with others so they may understand the neurological disease)--it's all in good humor, not at all what one may perceive according to their own emotional state when reading it. But it's all true...
It's Not My Imagination
My right eye's always twitching.
My legs are filled with lead.
I am forever dropping things.
And they say it's in my head.
I have six pairs of glasses
With no two quite the same.
And I wear each one on different days
‘Cuz my eyes keep playing games.
I have this buzzing feeling
Deep inside my head.
And a jolt of electricity
Just made my feet fly off the bed.
Sometimes my throat won't swallow.
Sometimes I pee my pants.
When I ask the docs, "Is this MS?"
They just say "There's a chance."
When my tongue went into spasm
It did a u-turn in my throat
And blocked my life's-breath airway.
The doc said, "Make a note."
My legs went numb and swollen
And doctors shook their head.
But they won't put a label on it
Until I'm good and dead.
The vertigo is dreadful,
The burning skin's a pain.
The doctor gives me lots of pills
And says, "Come back again!"
It isn't diabetes
Or syphilis, or a tumor.
But they won't tell me what it is
And I'm almost out of humor.
One neuro just shook his head
And said, "See Dr. House."
Another actually said, "Get laid."
A third, "Redecorate your house."
I am not a hypochondriac.
This whimsical thing is real
So please just give me a definite name
For the crappy way I feel!
I 'could' be angry, having a neurological disease with disability which can be frustrating, more since WLS...being tiny, feeling so vulnerable. Was so easy being morbidly obese ('unhealthy, how ironic), due to feeling invisible and learning to 'cover' with keen humor, most often made a joke out the stumbling stammering, and being misunderstood for 'being on drugs, or drunk'. (twenty-six years until diagnosed). WLS people want to be with people who 'get it'. I 'could' be angry that there are so many diseases other than morbid obesity which people face and hunger for similar unconditional support and understanding. Rather, are castigated or shunned for 'being different.', not fitting into people's uninformed expectations.
Some of 'many' current blessings: I focus on what I CAN do, rather cannot do. (spending one-on-one time with elderly residents off-hours where I work part time; spending time with numerous MS peers who are living wheel-chair bound with horrid progression of the disease) It's useless to waste precious energy with anger, negativity (unfortunately been misconstrued through mere written words). I am not angry, and continually pray for merciful guidance and forgiveness in the things my disrupted cognitive abilities cause to say or do inappropriately and cannot remember--cannot be helped, unfortunately it's the way it is. I am so grateful for my blessings! A dozen genuine college friends, all in our low fifties now. We know each others' personal histories, and kept in touch thirty years, growing individually. I do cherish many former co-workers who've mostly remained friends through the recent diseases and struggles---and yes, accomplishments. It's so important, being human, to let go of the 'naturally' negative daily influences in the big world, in our little worlds. One thing I've learned in therapy: every evening, write down five wonderful, positive things from the day. HUGE blessing: Tues. evening when getting taxes done, and happened to sit by a gal who after conversing, found we had so mu*****ommon, including: both had WLS (she a year ago, I keep private info private, though will be accompanying her to her hospital support groups . What a blessing, that I'm able to emotionally support her, so recently laid off work, unable to afford her supplements and healthy foods. Am so blessed to be rid of ex-guy leech (five months now with no overeating, no smoking!), that I'm able to actually enjoy purchasing and giving needed items for her. Am so blessed, that I'm able to show her genuine respect and friendship. Unbelievable, that we all have blessings surprise us any time we are open to accepting them. Sorry so long, though felt all of this was very appropriate to the topic. Thank you Elena! Patti (I'd been given the following to share with others so they may understand the neurological disease)--it's all in good humor, not at all what one may perceive according to their own emotional state when reading it. But it's all true...
It's Not My Imagination
My right eye's always twitching.
My legs are filled with lead.
I am forever dropping things.
And they say it's in my head.
I have six pairs of glasses
With no two quite the same.
And I wear each one on different days
‘Cuz my eyes keep playing games.
I have this buzzing feeling
Deep inside my head.
And a jolt of electricity
Just made my feet fly off the bed.
Sometimes my throat won't swallow.
Sometimes I pee my pants.
When I ask the docs, "Is this MS?"
They just say "There's a chance."
When my tongue went into spasm
It did a u-turn in my throat
And blocked my life's-breath airway.
The doc said, "Make a note."
My legs went numb and swollen
And doctors shook their head.
But they won't put a label on it
Until I'm good and dead.
The vertigo is dreadful,
The burning skin's a pain.
The doctor gives me lots of pills
And says, "Come back again!"
It isn't diabetes
Or syphilis, or a tumor.
But they won't tell me what it is
And I'm almost out of humor.
One neuro just shook his head
And said, "See Dr. House."
Another actually said, "Get laid."
A third, "Redecorate your house."
I am not a hypochondriac.
This whimsical thing is real
So please just give me a definite name
For the crappy way I feel!
The Joy I have, the world didn't give it,
The world can't take it away."
Shirley Ceaser, gospel singer
The world can't take it away."
Shirley Ceaser, gospel singer
Most Active
Recent Topics
