So the weekend is over
Well I am still alive and I made it through the weekend. Dispite my mom sayin that I was kicked out I have come home and just stayed out of her way. I have no where else to go I make 100 dollars a week I am a full time student and can't drop out of school. I have decided I will be downstairs while my mom is gone at work and I will go upstairs and hide in my room when she gets home.
We got in a huge fight yesterday as much as it physically hurt (from the hard cryin) I think that it was healthy for me at least. My mom finally said what was on her mind even though it might not have been the right way but I got to see what she was feelin a little.
She told me that she will never be able to look at me again without hatin me for what I've done to my body. She also thinks that I did the surgry cuz I wanted attention. She said that she can't stand to be around me watchin people praise me for how good I look and how well I am doin when she knows that I cheated and took the easy way out. That I didn't put everything that I had into tryin to loose the "right" way. I didn't weight and measure my food I didn't stick to the weight loss program through my gym. She knows it works cuz she does it. That I've lied to everyone by tellin them that I have tried everything "natural" to loose weight and she can't sit by and listen to me liein to everyone. She says that I have had it in my mind that I am goin to have surgry for 3 years now and so then I just gave up and didn't try to loose weight. I asked her if she would rather I be dead in 10 years cuz I was SO overweight? She said that I can still die that there are risks after surgry with gallbladder cancer leg problems and bowl problems and that I will have to be on meds the rest of my life. She said that she loves me and worrys about me but right now she would rather have a non verball relationship she would rather be strangers.
I don't know what to do I can't move out so I am just goin to give her her space and not bother her. I can't beat a dead horse if she thinks that this is the easy way out I am just goin to let her think that cuz I don't think that right now I am goin to be able to convince her that this by far was the most complicated way out. I am just goin to hit her with kindness and not let her get me down. I know that I am not in this alone and I have just got to stay up beat and positive. I will pray for her and just stand on the hope that one day she will come around if not then the sooner I can get out the better and I will then leave her out of my life and move on. So for now since I have no where to go I am stayin at home and just out of the way.
Thanks everyone SO much for all the love and support I am gettin from you it has been a ride and I can't wait till I get the chance to meet all of you!!!
We got in a huge fight yesterday as much as it physically hurt (from the hard cryin) I think that it was healthy for me at least. My mom finally said what was on her mind even though it might not have been the right way but I got to see what she was feelin a little.
She told me that she will never be able to look at me again without hatin me for what I've done to my body. She also thinks that I did the surgry cuz I wanted attention. She said that she can't stand to be around me watchin people praise me for how good I look and how well I am doin when she knows that I cheated and took the easy way out. That I didn't put everything that I had into tryin to loose the "right" way. I didn't weight and measure my food I didn't stick to the weight loss program through my gym. She knows it works cuz she does it. That I've lied to everyone by tellin them that I have tried everything "natural" to loose weight and she can't sit by and listen to me liein to everyone. She says that I have had it in my mind that I am goin to have surgry for 3 years now and so then I just gave up and didn't try to loose weight. I asked her if she would rather I be dead in 10 years cuz I was SO overweight? She said that I can still die that there are risks after surgry with gallbladder cancer leg problems and bowl problems and that I will have to be on meds the rest of my life. She said that she loves me and worrys about me but right now she would rather have a non verball relationship she would rather be strangers.
I don't know what to do I can't move out so I am just goin to give her her space and not bother her. I can't beat a dead horse if she thinks that this is the easy way out I am just goin to let her think that cuz I don't think that right now I am goin to be able to convince her that this by far was the most complicated way out. I am just goin to hit her with kindness and not let her get me down. I know that I am not in this alone and I have just got to stay up beat and positive. I will pray for her and just stand on the hope that one day she will come around if not then the sooner I can get out the better and I will then leave her out of my life and move on. So for now since I have no where to go I am stayin at home and just out of the way.
Thanks everyone SO much for all the love and support I am gettin from you it has been a ride and I can't wait till I get the chance to meet all of you!!!
I wanted to add that I was goin to leave and when I went downstairs my mom was like where you goin I was like you told me to get out and she acted like she didn't want me to leave and then she said I didn't even have the deciency to call her and ask her to bring me home from the hospital. I didn't think that she wanted anything to do with the surgry so I didn't think she would have wanted me to ask AHH I seem damed if I do and damed if I don't
I just hope you are allowing YOUR reactions to the things she says OUT.
As much as you needed to try to understand where HER attitude was coming from, SHE needs to understand how YOU are feeling, and particularly how HER whole attitude is affecting you. She won't like it any more than you're enjoying her sunny disposition, but tough cookies.
If she truly loves you and worries about you, she ought to pull her stubbborn head out of where it's currently planted, and try to LEARN about what you have made the choice to go through. This is NOT easy - if she puts any effort into learning about WLS, many of the myths she has chosen to believe will be tempered by KNOWLEDGE.
Seriously, she's starting to **** me off. And I don't know her from Adam. She's an insult to motherhood.
As much as you needed to try to understand where HER attitude was coming from, SHE needs to understand how YOU are feeling, and particularly how HER whole attitude is affecting you. She won't like it any more than you're enjoying her sunny disposition, but tough cookies.
If she truly loves you and worries about you, she ought to pull her stubbborn head out of where it's currently planted, and try to LEARN about what you have made the choice to go through. This is NOT easy - if she puts any effort into learning about WLS, many of the myths she has chosen to believe will be tempered by KNOWLEDGE.
Seriously, she's starting to **** me off. And I don't know her from Adam. She's an insult to motherhood.
Imperfect does not = unsuccessful
Hey Valerie - I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a crappy mother situation right now. It sounds like a great plan to just stay away from her as much as possible while she's home, and not let her negativity about your surgery get to you. I wish you had more support at home as you recover, but you know you've got TONS of support from your friends on here, so I hope that helps you a bit.
Kristy (weight loss below does not include 16lbs lost during pre WLS diet)
START: 325 Day of Surgery :309 GOAL: 180
Valerie:
Family relationships can be really difficult even when you haven't gone through major surgery and are embarking on a whole new way of life (especially when you live in the same house.) The last thing you need right now is someone in your face who is negative, judgemental, controlling and condascending. My advice to you is to find a way to move out, even if it is funded with student loan money, for the next six months so that you can heal and live on your terms, not your mother's. I know that is harsh, but you strike me as a gentle soul who is being bullied at a vulnerable point in your life. Not good. You know, the vast majority of WLS people I know are on the gentler end of the human spectrum and after surgery, they have had to find new ways to relate to food as well as the people in their lives who have abused the privilege of living with someone who is truly a gentle and caring soul. That is why the post-surgery divorce rate is so high. Because you are young and live at home, the relationship is different, but the real problem is not. To be more specific, your relationship with your mother is badly out of balance in terms of mutual respect, kindness, supportiveness, etc. and your recovery requires something different than what you have at home right now.
Often, the mental/emotional part of the journey proves to be harder than the physical one. It has been for me and it looks to me that it might be for you as well. You have had the courage to make some monumental changes in your life that will likely leave you a much healthier and energetic young woman. You will likely need that courage and determination to re-define the difficult relationships in your life, including the one with your mother. I have found counseling to be a real benefit to me as I make my way through emotional and relationship issues in the months after surgery.
Besides finding a way to move out for awhile, my other advice to you is to find some professional counseling with someone familiar with the emotional issues surrounding bariatric surgery. In the months ahead you will find the physical changes to be both empowering and scary. The emotional/relationship changes can be that way, too, but you will likely need a guide along the way and support from people who have had similar experiences. The people here on OH can help provide the support you need. A local WLS support group would also be really helpful to you.
In any event, taking charge of the relationship you have with your mother can only help you heal physically and make you stronger emotionally. You have it in you to accomplish those things, even if they are very, very difficult.
Take care,
RP
P.S. Please PM me if you want to converse in a less public forum.
Family relationships can be really difficult even when you haven't gone through major surgery and are embarking on a whole new way of life (especially when you live in the same house.) The last thing you need right now is someone in your face who is negative, judgemental, controlling and condascending. My advice to you is to find a way to move out, even if it is funded with student loan money, for the next six months so that you can heal and live on your terms, not your mother's. I know that is harsh, but you strike me as a gentle soul who is being bullied at a vulnerable point in your life. Not good. You know, the vast majority of WLS people I know are on the gentler end of the human spectrum and after surgery, they have had to find new ways to relate to food as well as the people in their lives who have abused the privilege of living with someone who is truly a gentle and caring soul. That is why the post-surgery divorce rate is so high. Because you are young and live at home, the relationship is different, but the real problem is not. To be more specific, your relationship with your mother is badly out of balance in terms of mutual respect, kindness, supportiveness, etc. and your recovery requires something different than what you have at home right now.
Often, the mental/emotional part of the journey proves to be harder than the physical one. It has been for me and it looks to me that it might be for you as well. You have had the courage to make some monumental changes in your life that will likely leave you a much healthier and energetic young woman. You will likely need that courage and determination to re-define the difficult relationships in your life, including the one with your mother. I have found counseling to be a real benefit to me as I make my way through emotional and relationship issues in the months after surgery.
Besides finding a way to move out for awhile, my other advice to you is to find some professional counseling with someone familiar with the emotional issues surrounding bariatric surgery. In the months ahead you will find the physical changes to be both empowering and scary. The emotional/relationship changes can be that way, too, but you will likely need a guide along the way and support from people who have had similar experiences. The people here on OH can help provide the support you need. A local WLS support group would also be really helpful to you.
In any event, taking charge of the relationship you have with your mother can only help you heal physically and make you stronger emotionally. You have it in you to accomplish those things, even if they are very, very difficult.
Take care,
RP
P.S. Please PM me if you want to converse in a less public forum.
I would love to come meet your mom and ask her WTF........ Liek I said the other night on the phone DO NOT let her get you down. I still swear she is my moms TWIN...... You do not deserve to go through this. Please hang in there sweetie and remember to take care of yourself. Can you go to a shelter, or to your dads, or even grandma's for now...... I would go somewhere honey because you DO NOT DESERVE this abuse from your mom.
Many many hugs to you sweetie,
Marsha
Many many hugs to you sweetie,
Marsha
Your mom is on my last nerve too! Hopefully things will calm down for you.
Hopefully if you give her the space she seems to need, you and she can get to a better place in the future.
If not, get out and don't look back! You did this for you, and you know how much work it's going to be. No easy way here!
Take care and know that we are here for you!
Hopefully if you give her the space she seems to need, you and she can get to a better place in the future.
If not, get out and don't look back! You did this for you, and you know how much work it's going to be. No easy way here!
Take care and know that we are here for you!
Kristi
My best advice to you is to keep doing what you are doing. Don't talk to her if that's what she wants, but follow all the rules of the surgery and she will start to see that it's not the easy way out. She will see that you measure food, that you buy healthy versions of food, that you exercise, that you take your vitamins daily... she will see it's just as hard (hell, if not HARDER) than normal weight loss.
It's sad your mother hasn't looked at more research... about how the more you weigh, the hard it is to lose... about other conditions like PCOS that make it really hard to lose weight... about all the different things that make it hard for an obese person to ever reach a healthy weight. Perhaps you can print out some research for her and have her read it. But who knows if that would work...
Anyway I am glad you are feeling a little better! Keep your head up.
It's sad your mother hasn't looked at more research... about how the more you weigh, the hard it is to lose... about other conditions like PCOS that make it really hard to lose weight... about all the different things that make it hard for an obese person to ever reach a healthy weight. Perhaps you can print out some research for her and have her read it. But who knows if that would work...
Anyway I am glad you are feeling a little better! Keep your head up.
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