a little more than a year later, and thinking I should share...

So, I had my laparoscopic RNY on Nov. 20, 2007, which means that I’m over a year out.  Warning, this is going to be long, but I’ve noticed that there haven’t been many posts re this stage, and thought that maybe I should share my own experiences.  Take it or leave it, but there may be some stuff in there than can be helpful for those behind me on this wondrous, and difficult, path.

I decided to have RNY because I was fat all my memorable life (I’m just shy of 34 now), and I felt unhappy, uncomfortable, ashamed, angry, left-out, over-looked, cheated, unhealthy, and I knew that if I didn’t do something big, I wasn’t going to live a decent or full life.  Why not?  Because all of the above were helping to weigh me down, and because my family history basically assured me that I would be dead by 50.  I’ve lived a lot of crap in life.  I’ve lived a lot of goodness and happiness.   There was a period of time, back in my mid to late teens, when I wanted to be gone, dead.  I’ve learned that, though my misery definitely weighed strongly on my emotional and mental health (it’s so hard to be “the" fat kid), I can’t blame it all on being fat.  Sure, I loved candy!  I could eat a jumbo bag of anything in a sitting, just because it tasted soo good.  Because, for a little while, it made me feel good.  Then I would get the guilt, and feel even worse for the binge, but it didn’t stop me, until about 2 years ago when I decided that I needed to make a change, and I needed the tool of surgery to help me make it.  But I have to remember that I had a lot of other things weighing me down, and I have to deal with them, too.

I’m not going to go into detail, because we all have crap, and we all have to learn to deal with it.  On that point, I want to say that we often don’t figure out how to successfully deal with the crap on our own.  And the crap is what helps us get, and stay, fat and unhealthy.   So, first, get help.  From family, peers, friends, coworkers, random people on the board, professionals.  Whatever, just get and maintain support in a way that works for you.

Here’s the bad news.  The first nine months, after my surgery, were fricking awesome, cause I wasn’t hungry, and no matter what I did, I consistently, rhythmically, lost weight!  Then, nine month**** and my appetite returned, I mean real, physical, hunger.  If I didn’t take care of the beast, it would make me sick.  If I wasn’t slow and careful about fulfilling the beast, it would make me sick.  For me, I found myself getting sick more often during months 9-14, than any other.  Here I would like to stress that every person is different, but I wanted to share my experience with you.

I platitude at month 9.  No, I didn’t stall, a stall is normal and tends to happen to everybody for a couple of weeks every month (it did happen to me). But at month nine, I started birth control, and my hunger returned.  My goal weight was 150, I hang at 163.  Guess what.  I still intend to hit 150, and maybe even a little less, but I wear a size 8-10pants, size M-L shirt, have a waist, don’t recognize myself in pics, and am happy with where I am at right now.  If I don’t lose another pound, I am happy.  Because life is unpredictable for everyone, I expect fluctuations in either direction. If I go 5 or more up, then I need to pay extra attention.  But right now, for the last 3 months, I’ve learned I just have to listen to my body.

I am by no means a saint!  I have tried it all.  You still get cravings.  You get hungry again.  You still get the temptation to test your boundaries.  I’ve learned I can not eat Leann chin’s at all, but I can do a salad or double cheeseburger from McDonald’s.  I am human, I know what I should and shouldn’t do, but sometimes the wants and the convenience win out.  Guess what though!  Very often, when I eat something I know I probably shouldn’t, I do get sick.  I do still experience dumping sometimes, but more often than not, it’s hypo-glycemia these days.

So what am I saying?  I’m not going to lie to anybody and tell them I hven’t tried all, or at least most of, my old love’s.  It’s hard to give up your old lifestyle.  Sure some people have an easier time, some have a harder time, and then there are those (like me I think) who just go along, and learn every week, without necessarily forfeighting, or voiding, or who don’t go overboard.  Have I done as well as I could have? Prob not. But I’ve done very well.  I’m not going to beat myself up over not hitting goal.  At least, not hitting it yet!   I know I can still take this in hand, and get rid of the rest! But for right this moment, I am healthier and happier than I ever have been!

Guess what else!  I do have a few bites of sugar.  I do drink diet coke (and don’t let the fizz out, don’t lecture me, I know I shouldn’t, and I’m not advocating, I am sharing).  And I’ve, sadly, picked up smoking again.  Guess what else!  I still like alcohol.  I know it’s bad.  And yes, I have learned that it affects me completely differently than it used to.  Way less gets me way more intoxicated!  And the kind of intoxicated I am changes.  I’ve experienced several hours of dry heaves from drinking beer or wine, and I’ve experienced many hours of happiness and forgetfulness on the same and everything else.  The forgetfulness sucks!  It’s like hitting black-out drunk after 3 normal drinks, thinking you are just fine, then waking up the next morning and not remembering anything!  Especially the important stuff!  That really, really sucks!  You know what? I don’t want forgetfulness anymore.  I love the man I am with.  I am living a pretty decent life, and I like who I am.  But I still like a buzz.

My main point here?  Please don’t delude yourself into thinking that this is an automatic life change.  It forces it for a while.  But it doesn’t stick if you aren’t committed to making it stick.  Lately, I’ve been reading so many posts from people who were not ready, or didn’t have the knowledge and emotional maturity that they’ve needed, and I don’t fault anybody, c ause it took me 2 years with Psych, but this really is huge.  It does change everything, in ways you do and don’t expect.  You have to be ready for it!,

Yep, I still hate my body, but in a way, I’m much happier with it.  Yeah, at 33 I have old lady tits, I have batwings, my tummy is stretched like somebody who has had kids, even though I haven’t.  Do I want to fix all that?  Hell yes!!!!!! But I am more comfortable in my body now, and happier in using it, and more receptive to pleasure.  Still had to make sure I didn’t sell myself short, he had to still find me attractive, even if none of the surgeries ever happen, and I think I have found him.

So, I had my laparoscopic RNY on Nov. 20, 2007, which means that I’m over a year out.  Warning, this is going to be long, but I’ve noticed that there haven’t been many posts re this stage, and thought that maybe I should share my own experiences.  Take it or leave it, but there may be some stuff in there than can be helpful for those behind me on this wondrous, and difficult, path.

I decided to have RNY because I was fat all my memorable life (I’m just shy of 34 now), and I felt unhappy, uncomfortable, ashamed, angry, left-out, over-looked, cheated, unhealthy, and I knew that if I didn’t do something big, I wasn’t going to live a decent or full life.  Why not?  Because all of the above were helping to weigh me down, and because my family history basically assured me that I would be dead by 50.  I’ve lived a lot of crap in life.  I’ve lived a lot of goodness and happiness.   There was a period of time, back in my mid to late teens, when I wanted to be gone, dead.  I’ve learned that, though my misery definitely weighed strongly on my emotional and mental health (it’s so hard to be “the" fat kid), I can’t blame it all on being fat.  Sure, I loved candy!  I could eat a jumbo bag of anything in a sitting, just because it tasted soo good.  Because, for a little while, it made me feel good.  Then I would get the guilt, and feel even worse for the binge, but it didn’t stop me, until about 2 years ago when I decided that I needed to make a change, and I needed the tool of surgery to help me make it.  But I have to remember that I had a lot of other things weighing me down, and I have to deal with them, too.

I’m not going to go into detail, because we all have crap, and we all have to learn to deal with it.  On that point, I want to say that we often don’t figure out how to successfully deal with the crap on our own.  And the crap is what helps us get, and stay, fat and unhealthy.   So, first, get help.  From family, peers, friends, coworkers, random people on the board, professionals.  Whatever, just get and maintain support in a way that works for you.

Here’s the bad news.  The first nine months, after my surgery, were fricking awesome, cause I wasn’t hungry, and no matter what I did, I consistently, rhythmically, lost weight!  Then, nine month**** and my appetite returned, I mean real, physical, hunger.  If I didn’t take care of the beast, it would make me sick.  If I wasn’t slow and careful about fulfilling the beast, it would make me sick.  For me, I found myself getting sick more often during months 9-14, than any other.  Here I would like to stress that every person is different, but I wanted to share my experience with you.

I platitude at month 9.  No, I didn’t stall, a stall is normal and tends to happen to everybody for a couple of weeks every month (it did happen to me). But at month nine, I started birth control, and my hunger returned.  My goal weight was 150, I hang at 163.  Guess what.  I still intend to hit 150, and maybe even a little less, but I wear a size 8-10pants, size M-L shirt, have a waist, don’t recognize myself in pics, and am happy with where I am at right now.  If I don’t lose another pound, I am happy.  Because life is unpredictable for everyone, I expect fluctuations in either direction. If I go 5 or more up, then I need to pay extra attention.  But right now, for the last 3 months, I’ve learned I just have to listen to my body.

I am by no means a saint!  I have tried it all.  You still get cravings.  You get hungry again.  You still get the temptation to test your boundaries.  I’ve learned I can not eat Leann chin’s at all, but I can do a salad or double cheeseburger from McDonald’s.  I am human, I know what I should and shouldn’t do, but sometimes the wants and the convenience win out.  Guess what though!  Very often, when I eat something I know I probably shouldn’t, I do get sick.  I do still experience dumping sometimes, but more often than not, it’s hypo-glycemia these days.

So what am I saying?  I’m not going to lie to anybody and tell them I hven’t tried all, or at least most of, my old love’s.  It’s hard to give up your old lifestyle.  Sure some people have an easier time, some have a harder time, and then there are those (like me I think) who just go along, and learn every week, without necessarily forfeighting, or voiding, or who don’t go overboard.  Have I done as well as I could have? Prob not. But I’ve done very well.  I’m not going to beat myself up over not hitting goal.  At least, not hitting it yet!   I know I can still take this in hand, and get rid of the rest! But for right this moment, I am healthier and happier than I ever have been!

Guess what else!  I do have a few bites of sugar.  I do drink diet coke (and don’t let the fizz out, don’t lecture me, I know I shouldn’t, and I’m not advocating, I am sharing).  And I’ve, sadly, picked up smoking again.  Guess what else!  I still like alcohol.  I know it’s bad.  And yes, I have learned that it affects me completely differently than it used to.  Way less gets me way more intoxicated!  And the kind of intoxicated I am changes.  I’ve experienced several hours of dry heaves from drinking beer or wine, and I’ve experienced many hours of happiness and forgetfulness on the same and everything else.  The forgetfulness sucks!  It’s like hitting black-out drunk after 3 normal drinks, thinking you are just fine, then waking up the next morning and not remembering anything!  Especially the important stuff!  That really, really sucks!  You know what? I don’t want forgetfulness anymore.  I love the man I am with.  I am living a pretty decent life, and I like who I am.  But I still like a buzz.

My main point here?  Please don’t delude yourself into thinking that this is an automatic life change.  It forces it for a while.  But it doesn’t stick if you aren’t committed to making it stick.  Lately, I’ve been reading so many posts from people who were not ready, or didn’t have the knowledge and emotional maturity that they’ve needed, and I don’t fault anybody, c ause it took me 2 years with Psych, but this really is huge.  It does change everything, in ways you do and don’t expect.  You have to be ready for it!,

Yep, I still hate my body, but in a way, I’m much happier with it.  Yeah, at 33 I have old lady tits, I have batwings, my tummy is stretched like somebody who has had kids, even though I haven’t.  Do I want to fix all that?  Hell yes!!!!!! But I am more comfortable in my body now, and happier in using it, and more receptive to pleasure.  Still had to make sure I didn’t sell myself short, he had to still find me attractive, even if none of the surgeries ever happen, and I think I have found him.