Guilty Pleasures
Perhaps my senses and emotions were dulled by all of the crappy, carb-laden foods I used to eat, but lately I have been finding all sorts of things that now please me to an almost alarming degree....from the sensuous tone of certain women's voices to music that moves me, the warmth of the sun (as opposed to its sweltering heat), the streaks of pink in a pre-dawn sky, the smell of winter-dried grasses, and the list goes on........ These newfound sources of enjoyment, along with my addiction to the caring and support I get here on OH and at the MG coffee gatherings, has left me feeling a little guilty. I often still see the person I used to be in the mirror, yet I am beginning to feel like a different, happier, but a bit more self-indulgent man on the inside. It is the last part , the perception of my own burgeoning self-indulgence, that has me feeling a little guilty.....
I suppose the guilty feeling comes from my relationships at home and with family and friends beginning to change. I now have a greater sense of self. I expect more from others instead of just hoping that they will continue to like me if I strive to please them with no expecation of anyone returning the favor. Making exercise and attending support groups a real priority, for example, when I could be my old self and nearly always accommodating what others want of my time and attention, has caused some friction.......and I like that it has. While I am unaccustomed to being even a little demanding in relationships, I find that it pleases me when someone pauses to consider what I might want.
So, I am feeling a little guilty about becoming more relevant in my own life by taking the time to truly enjoy small pleasures and by actually expecting consideration of my wishes and priorities from others. I think I'll get over it.
RP
on 4/17/09 5:43 am - MN
Ya know what RP??? It's about friggin' time you indulge in YOU!!!! We spent our entire morbid obese lives catering to others and sacrificing for ourself because we wanted them to LIKE us (NOT EVEN LOVE US). If it's one thing that this journey has taught me (although I still need a kick in the pants some days) that I come first! ME, MYSELF and I!!! My sister told me for years that I couldn't take care of ANYONE else until I took care of myself first. The funny thing is that since I started doing that I BARELY ever see her and she lives in Bloomington and I'm in Burnsville. I started living for ME and on MY schedule and I stopped catering to everyone else's lives.
I'm incredibly proud of you RP - you should be too - STOP feeling guilty - it's of no use to anyone anyway - especially you!
HUGS
I say, TO HELL WITH THAT! That sounds harsh, but we deserve to enjoy our lives - perhaps even MORE than before, because we've given up one of our dearest friends - FOOD. So if I want to enjoy lazy hours drinking coffee with some wonderful people INSTEAD of doing laundry or cleaning my house? If I want to take pleasure in a weekend away from the same-old, same-old? My family might not like it, but life is give AND take. And sometimes, it's going to be ME doing the TAKING!!
Imperfect does not = unsuccessful
