HOW DARE WE NOT BE THE SAME

RP....good food for thought....

I tend to agree with Darla too.

I feel like I have found the real me again. Didn't much like who I had become!!

Hugs....connie d

Well said!

Some of you may remember me.... Kelly F.... Who suddenly disappeared from OH for personal reasons back in January.  I have been checking in to OH posts periodically, just not responding.  But I am recreating my OH account just to reply to this email thread.  Because this is one of the biggest things I am dealing with right now. 

I have been struggling with these issues for about 9 months now.  I thought I had support of friends and family.  In fact, I thought I had support of those who were part of my OH family.  But when I began to find myself and come out of my shell - like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly, I realized that those who I thought were supportive really weren't supportive.  My marriage had been over for quite a long time.  We kept the peace at home to benefit the kids.  My family was supportive.  My friends - OH and non OH - were supportive.  But once I started doing things I enjoyed - once I started finding what I wanted out of life - once I found the real me who had been buried for years - I found that many people around me changed as well.  I wasn't going to tolerate being the punching bag for those in my family who have issues of their own.  I wasn't going to sit back and take care of a former spouse who does nothing about his own problems but expect me to fix them for him.  My marriage failed years ago.  But it took my own strength to finally do what I needed to do - Get a full time job, file for divorce, stand up for what I want in life, stop letting other peoples issues and insecurities dictate how I live my life.  I lost friends during this process.  I lost family members during this time.  But what has morphed from this experience is that my former spouse and I get along better now as friends than we did as spouses.  We won't go back and try to fix our marriage.  WE have both changed.  I want more out of my life.  And when I changed he chose not to change.  And that is his business.   But for our kids, we have finally united as a team and we will always do what is best for them.   And we aren't comprimising who we now have become.  And quite frankly I admire him more now for finally standing up and doing what he wants.  Which, unfortunately, isn't the same as what I want.

While we are all mindful of how this has affected us - WLS success stories - don't forget that some of us are guilty of doing exactly what others have done to us.  Whether it be "how dare we change" with relation to our post WLS lives or other life changing choices we make.  I know that I was guilty of that - judging OH friends who I thought were making bad choices.  But in reality, it really was about each of us changing for ourselves.  Not for others.  And just because we don't agree with the way others have changed, it doesn't make us right or better than others.  While we all feel this way about others treating us like "how dare we change", remember that yes, we have changed.  But lets not be hypocritical about it.  Don't judge others who are changing and making choices that aren't what we would do ourselves.  WLS related or not.  Its a good life lesson for all of us to be reminded about.  Because until we get rid of the "how dare we change" attitude about everything in our lives, people will always come and go from our lives.  Feelings will be hurt.  Friendships will change or cease existing.  Remember that what is good for us is more than likely not good for everyone else.  And who are we to be the judge and jury of others decisions to change?  Treat others with respect and treat them as you would want them to treat you.  Embrace the changes in their lives and walk with them.  Don't criticize them or pass judgement on them because it isn't what would work for you.

Ok, so obviously this is a very hot topic for me.  And I feel much, much better venting about it.  Very bluntly I've been judged, criticized, put down, and abandoned by others because of the choices I've made in my life this past year.   But you know what?  I can say with 100% certainty that I don't regret any of my decisions to leave my marriage.  It was the best thing for me, for my former spouse, for my kids.  I don't regret changing to who I am today.  I am happier, healthier, more confident, enjoying life, standing up for myself and wouldn't change a THING!  The minute we give in to those who are criticizing us for "how dare we change", we have just given up on ourselves.  We ALL owe it to ourselves to be our #1 advocate.  Stand strong.  Nobody can do it but us.  And those who feel a need to tell us "how dare we change", well, they more than likely have unresolved issues of their own.  Insecurities of their own.  And their way of ignoring their problems is to judge those who are easy targets.  And I know I was an easy target (not to miss, so to speak) when I was morbidly obese.  Now?  I'm a confident, self motivated, active woman with a zest for life, a love for new things, a thirst to learn new things, and loving every minute of my life.  Without a doubt the best time in my life.  Hands down.

RP, thanks for posting this.  Very great discussion.  One worth considering writing a book about or finding someone to have an open and frank discussion at future support group meetings.  I know that I would certainly be interested in that.

WIshing continued success to everyone!  Miss you!

Kelly F

Okay, this is some deep shyt I'm going to spill here, but I trust my OH friends to take it as intended.

I have always had a pretty good sense of self esteem - confidence in myself - moreso than many people who have spent their entire lives obese.  I figure it's because I didn't know any different, and was blessed to have parents and family who loved me unconditionally.

However, I have also had many of the issues we've all had as obese people - figuring I had to be the funny one, the over-achiever, always giving and doing whatever I had to, in order to find acceptance.  Fortunately, I always DID find acceptance, and was always pretty happy with my life.

I do not have a fabulous marriage.   We had issues long before my WLS, that had very little to do with my size.  There were issues I saw many years ago, but decided I had to accept them because - well, this might be as good as it gets for me.  I could love him enough to make up for the bad stuff, maybe even FIX it.  Some of his relatives even convinced me I could.  20 years later, I have come to accept that I can't love him enough to fix the crap his dysfunctional upbringing imbedded in him.  I truly don't think our problems stem from my weight loss, but it has become a convenient scapegoat for my hubby - he blames it for every conflict we have, without recognizing his own shortcomings.  Or at least, without acknowleging his own shortcomings. 

So there's the stress.  Yes, I'm more confident now.  Maybe I COULD find someone "better", but I don't want to.  I do still love my husband, and I always will.  We have a history, and two precious kids together.  He has loved me and stuck with me through thick and thin, literally.  And when we're not dealing with all the external stresses we've had to deal with lately, we really ARE best friends.  But I have to admit, I DO sometimes wonder - could I have "done better" had I not been ginormous?  My daughter has issues with weight, and I find myself scared to death that she might "settle" for less than she truly wants in a relationship, just so she can HAVE a relationship.  I'm trying to steer her towards NOT doing that, but ultimately, it will come from within.  So I'm praying she can get control of HER weight issues, so she won't find herself where I am someday, wondering..... what if?

Love You Darla....!!!

Darla:

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal part of your life.  By doing so, you have given me yet another reason to respect  and admire you.  You are beyond fabulous as a person and as a woman....just sayin' and there are a lot of people who think so. 

RP

 
"years later, I have come to accept that I can't love him enough to fix the crap his dysfunctional upbringing imbedded in him.  I truly don't think our problems stem from my weight loss, but it has become a convenient scapegoat for my hubby - he blames it for every conflict we have, without recognizing his own shortcomings.  Or at least, without acknowleging his own shortcomings.  "

I can hear myself utterying these same EXACT words in the future.  Thankfully not there yet.  Maybe it won't come to that.  I hope it doesn't.

You stole my thoughts Darla !

(( HUGS))

Love the post RP - just wanted to add a few things here.  I originally sought the DS 3.5 years ago.  I spent the entire year trying to get approved.  After my fourth denile I sat myself down and had a real good talk with me.  My original quest was selfish I forced my family/spouse to support me in MY way but didn't involve them at all in the journey.  Because I did that I did not have the real support I needed.  I spent the next year and a half after that searching for self respect, love and inner peace.  I thought therapy/life coaching was for people who were REALLY scewed up and had some severe mental issues.  Little did I know all "sain" people could use a little coaching now and then.  RP you are so right about how we are the pleasers and the givers because we want the praise and love that comes from giving to others.  Although I spent a lot of time and money into therapy that wasn't covered by my insurance because it was all holistic.  I also invested time and effort into finding an Endo, OB, and PCP that would fight for me and help me in my journey.  This second time around going through the journey to having my RNY.  I sat down with my family and husband and this time didn't demand that they support me but asked for their love and support.  I actually told them what I needed from them and asked them.  My hubby does not understand weight issues he's 6'4 and can eat anything and is just that way.  He thinks weight issues are all in our head as he told me a few times.  I decided that I would not demand his support.  At first I wanted it so badly but I also didn't want him to have any ill feelings towards me for forcing him.  So we agreed to disagree and I let it go - however, I have included him in all of my small wow moments, communicated with him about my appointments and how they have gone.  I have let him follow my journey with me and included him which makes him feel good and in the mean time maybe helps him understand a little more.  The past two years as well I've helped my hubby develope more self confidence to take care of himself more instead of ME doing it.  Laundry, cooking etc.  Not saying that our duties are anywhere close to 50/50 but we are working on that.  He finally feels NEEDED in my life and that has worked wonders for our relationship.  Our sig. others need to feel like we need them.  As overweight people although we NEED people we tend to be VERY self-suffcient because we feel that it is our duty to not ask for help, to take care of ourselves and to not burden any one else with our needs.  What a lonely lonely life we have led in the past. 

I guess the moral of this story is this - I think we need to stress to our new pre-ops that come on this board and anyone we know seeking WLS how important it is to start working on the head part BEFORE surgery.  I went into this surgery very confident about my support network, my marriage but also with the attitude I am so worth this and this is all about me for a change but I've been slowly making that mentally transition for two years.  I NEED my husband to allow me the time for myself so he needs to pitch in a bit - this means he is supporting my change - just not verbally. 

Let those that love and loved us the most through all of our journey's feel needed.  And let yourself have the need for that love even though we feel invisible.

Wow - brain hurts that was deep!  :)
Sal

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Sal:

That was fantastic!!...especially your last full paragraph.  I will remember those words when I get frustrated with myself and those around me as my own inner transformation unfolds.

RP