OT Heart is breaking

Michelle,

I did put myself in his place.....That's why I gave up this friendship.....It's very hard....

Thanks for posting....All this support has been wonderful today.....

Kelly

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are making the right choice by doing what your husband is asking of you.  He is your first priority, and you're proving that to him.  I think as time goes on, a lot of spouses will get more comfortable with us, and maybe this is only temporary - he just needs assurance now, and you're very wise to give it to him.   Maybe in the future it won't be an issue - as you're longer out from surgery and you both settle into the "new you" and the new dynamics in your relationship.  I think the fact that your husband travels makes it worse.  I used to be the one traveling, and it definitely made my husband concerned at times, and now it's no longer an issue, but I had to make some sacrifices at the time. I'll pray for you as you go through this.

Renee,

I agree with you.....I think he needs time to adjust to all this attention I'm getting.....And to be honest I need help adjusting.......But I'm hoping in time I can have Male friendships without suspicion.....

Thanks, Kelly

Hi Kelly - I'm in a new marriage 3.5years only and what I've seen from others struggling is it's not okay to have friends of the opposite sex that are not mutual friends.  It causes strife in the marriage no matter how hard you try.
My father has been sober for 32 years and he refuses to sponser a female because of this.  He's seen it too many times in the AA program where the sponser/friend takes the place of the spouse because they "get" the problem.  We've been out places where my dad has run into fellow female members of AA and they will come up to my dad and hug him in front of us and my mom.  My dad is like the dad of the program because he is such a wonderful role model and confidant for all of the people in the program male and female.  But going out to a restaurant and having a woman come up to him and hug him in front of us - not appropriate.  Even though my dad is 65 years young and mom and him have been married for 34 years its still not okay.  AA along with any recovery WLS, Drugs, Gambling is a VERY selfish program and recovery because we seek others who know, feel, get the same feelings we do and understand.  It's selfish enough to be with others of the same sex and sometimes go to 2-3 meetings a week while the spouse is left feeling worthless and good for nothing because they can't help you.

My sister went on a motorcycle ride with a male neighbor - someone saw them and the rumor mill started and it didn't take too long before the rumor mill was stating my sister was having an affair.

My brother in law was in a limo with 2 other guys and 12 females.  Needless to say this was not okay.  

Spouses can trust eachother to the mountains but DON'T give them a reason to start questioning you.  It is so very important to help your partners understand that you still need them and need their love and support.  But why rock the boat already in uncharted waters.

I work with all males - since I was heavy my husband didn't really care at all - I can maybe see this changing.  If it meant save my marriage or quit my job - I'd quit my job tomorrow. 

Just my thoughts I guess - I've thought about this topic before and it's something to reach way down deep inside to find out the answer too why you feel the need to find male support.  Before I met my hubby I worked out with a married man at a gym.  He was my partner.  Although I thought there was NOTHING wrong with that at the time I look back now and boy was I dumb.  His wife was jealous and he told me so and I just brushed it off.  If my husband would go to a gym and partner with a woman - **** would hit the fan.

I'm rambling - I know it's hard hun and only you can know what the right thing to do here is.  Sorry for the long rambly reply!

Sal,

Thanks for posting......I loved your rambling......I do it too.....You mean well and that's what counts.....:)  Thanks.....Your support means a lot....I hope to meet you someday, Please come to a MG coffee one of these days.....

Kelly

Awwee I will Maple Grove from my house is about 55miles one way so I really have to plan well. 
I've learned a lot through ups and downs in my marriage I thought it was over for awhile there.  But one thing my pastor put into perspective for me is this.  As givers and people pleasers that's all we do we are self-suffcient we don't NEED anyone to do ANYTHING for us (SO WE THINK) when deep down that's what we are searching for we are searching for love, acceptance, someone to GIVE to us freely and most of all LOVE us.  We fail to recognize that while we are pleasing everyone else in our lives that is what we are missing and it's right IN FRONT OF US.  There are so many people in our lives that love us and want to GIVE us what we don't think we need but in reality we need it more than anyone.  So now here we sit - CHANGED.  We've grown, we've found ourselves and we go LOOKING for that love and companionship and friendship from everyone else when all we have to do is look at the people closest to us and ASK them for what we need.  They've been giving us love with out us even acknowledging it.  Two things are going to happen A - they are going to get sick of not not being NEEDED or WANTED or made to feel worthy and leave or B - they are going to continue giving us what we've needed all of our lives and be happy to do so and we will finally recognize it and love them all the more for putting up with our pushing away all these years.

Easier said then done.  The hardest part in our journey as human beings is not giving of love but being willing to accept it as freely as we've given it.

Kelly I truly wish you the best.  It sounds like your husband loves you soooooo much that he would do anything for you and I just pray for you to find the path that your heart leads you and to be at peace with it.  I don't even know you but I hurt for you!

Love,

Sal

Hugs Kelly.  im sorry i don't have words of wisdom right now - but understand i am thinking of you during your struggle.

Hugs!

Linda,

Thank you......I've also been thinking about you lately.....Hope your okay....

Kelly

Kel,
As I sit here and read thru all the responses I once again am so proud of our OH family. And I am proud of you. I am so sorry you are struggling with this issue right now, I am here for you and you will get thru this....
Be strong sweety, it will be ok....

((HUGS)))
Carol

Carol,

Yep, This OH family is the BEST......

I'm looking forward to our "Girl time" tomorrow.......

Thanks for being such a good friend.....

Love ya, Kel