OT Heart is breaking

Kelly,

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you during this very difficult time. 
I had been through something very similar years ago with a bf, though not WLS related.  So I can relate to the feelings you have of giving up friends of the opposite sex, no matter how close. 

I pray for you, your husband and your marriage.  I know this is a very very difficult thing you are doing. 

Prayers and Hugs, Nicole

Nicole,

Thanks for the support and prayers....It is greatly appreciated......

Kelly

Kelly hon, you know I love you and Marty, and I pray for you and your struggles.

You also know that my opinion of what's going on is a little different than what most seem to be saying here.  YES, your marriage is number 1, that goes without saying. 

But I have a real hard time with the idea that a person should have to END a friendship in favor of a nervous partner.   Take a step back?  Fine.  But the issues of anxiety and trust HAVE to be addressed, too.  If there isn't compromise in a marriage, there WILL be resentment.   If my hubby needed me to end a friendship to bolster his confidence?  I'd be focusing on bolstering his confidence FIRST, before I ever ended a friendship. 

Someone not too long ago shared a little snippet of wisdom with me.  It may have even come from someone here, I'm not sure.  And I probably won't say it right, but hopefully the point will be made, anyway...  (If any of you knows what I'm talking about, PLEASE feel free to correct me!)

A marriage can NOT be just a 50/50 effort.  You don't want to just MEET in the middle.  It needs to be 60/60, or 80/80 - so that there is COMMON GROUND THAT YOU SHARE. 

Lots of love & hugs...
me

Hey Darla, that actually might have been something I was talking about. It's a book that I read that said compromise isn't one person giving up something for the other. Compromise, especially in a marriage, is when two people come together to make a decision that is better for the whole. That way BOTH come out better. It's not meeting in the middle... it's making a decision that will enhance both  people's lives... and that's possible in my opinion.

Darla,

When Marty gets home we'll be talking......Maybe something can be worked out....The phone calls really got to him......And putting myself in shoes, I'd be upset too.....

This whole thing has been hard.......I'm sure on my male friend as well.......It kills me inside to back away.....But for now that's what I have to do......

We'll see what the future holds.....

Love ya, and Thanks for being there for me today.....Kelly

I agree with Darla wholeheartedly. This is a time to maybe try to find a solution that works better for BOTH of you.... not a 'compromise' but an even better solution. I think you need to find time to talk where it's not over the phone with your hubby or around the kids. Instead, maybe plan a dinner at home and just talk it out. I think there are underlining insecurities there for him.  I wish he'd know how much you talk about him to us OHers... WE know how much you love him!! :-) I think that communication and openess on both sides is the best way to go. Love you Kelly - I'm willing to talk or get together any time!

Elena,

I agree with what you both say......I think right now Marty just needs to figure this all out.......What works for him......Maybe after awhile I can have a relationship with my male friends......He means the world to me, I can't lose him......
Thank you so much for caring......

Kelly

I'm going to suggest you both read The Five Love Languages. This book won't solve all your issues, but it may get you a step in the right direction. Via this book, you will find what eachother's love language is and how to fill that love tank. It may sound corny, but take it from me from a first-hand account, it does work wonders.

You'll be amazed at the stories in this book, and the emotions covered.

If you can't find it at your library, let me know Kelly. You can borrow my copy.

Amy,

Thank you, I will see if my library has it.....

Kelly

Here's a suggestion that might be helpful....could your male friends become mutual friends of both of you?  Get together as couples?  That way your husband can get to know these people and realize that they are not a threat.  I have a couple male friends at work, and we've gotten together as couples after hours and had a great time.  My husband knew that I went to lunch with these men alone during the workday, but it was no big deal because we got together with their wives and kids and got to know the whole family.  For example, I'm going to lunch with one of them tomorrow---he no longers works with me but we stay in touch via email...and we get together occasionally for dinner with my husband and his wife.  But tomorrow - we'll meet alone.  No big deal.  My husband knows we're going and I would have invited him along but it's too far for him on his lunch hour.

I could be over simplifying your situation...but it was just a thought.