Why Do I Love MY WLS Friends? (long)
When I was a child, my grandfather took to calling me “The Why-Why Man" because I was constantly asking for explanations for why things were the way they were. I am now approaching 49 years of age and not much has changed in that regard. Lately I have been pondering the question of why I feel so close to my WLS friends. I know that an uncommonly strong bond forms between people who share a common struggle, especially if that struggle is for one’s own survival. For soldiers, that struggle is to stay alive. For those of us who battle obesity, the struggle is of an entirely different nature.
First there is the internal debate about whether weight loss surgery is the right approach for you as an individual. I finally reached that conclusion for myself after having tried and failed at more than a half dozen attempts to get my weight under control and the worsening of my blood pressure problems. Every WLS person has their own valid reasons for pursuing surgery and is worthy of learning something from as a result. Preparing for surgery involves learning new ways to manage your health with supplements, prioritizing protein intake, chewing your food, taking in enough liquids, making better diet and portion choices, exercising regularly, etc. as well as addressing your fear of surgery (well, if you are a man and have never had surgery before). After surgery, you proceed through recovery, endure the liquid and pureed food phases and begin your new life with smaller portions and more limited diet choices. Over a period of months the excess weight that has plagued you for years falls off, leaving you thinner, occasionally constipated, gassier, saggier, bonier and a lot colder, but also more energetic. People treat you differently and you begin to view yourself and the people around you in new and unexpected ways.
You see, through this process you lose the weight along with much of who you had learned to be as a larger person. It isn’t just a different body you try to see in the mirror, but a different person altogether. This struggle against obesity, then, is really a struggle for one’s identity. Truly scary stuff. We come together on-line, at support group meetings and at coffee gatherings for mutual support. We are all somewhere along our own path to finding a new identity for ourselves. That path doesn’t run in a straight line; it runs in circles, helixes and sine waves with dead ends, perilous precipices and slippery slopes, but gardens of promise and truth, too. No matter where you are on your journey, you can offer support and wisdom or receive it because no one’s path is exactly the same as yours and if you are strong one day and your WLS friend is not, you support them even if they are months or years further out from surgery than you are.
We share a common purpose, then, but not the same path to redefining ourselves as thinner people. Even though we may not know all of the pain, hurt, abuse, health issues, self-doubt and genetic components of another person’s battle against obesity, we know of it because it is similar enough to our own experiences. When we gather, there is a gentle spirit of mutual understanding and acceptance between people that doesn’t always exist in families or between each half of a couple, no longer how long they have been married or together. As we scratch and scuffle to find our new identities, ripples move through the relationships we have; those based on understanding and acceptance evolve and thrive, those that are based primarily on more rigid expectations erupt in conflict or bitterness. As humans, we turn away from conflict and bitterness if understanding and acceptance are available to us.
Psychologists are warned against the phenomenon called transference where a patient comes to idolize the psychologist or counselor because they were able to provide a safe, nurturing environment to discuss things the patient fears most and the patient transfers the trust they had or longed for in a parent or grandparent to the psychologist or counselor. To some extent, I idolize my closest WLS friends this way because they are “safe" to talk to about anything. I will admit that I feel attracted to them because they provide something I don’t really have at home. Yet they tolerate me.
In the end, I love my WLS friends because I trust them with my worst fears and they treat me gently as I try to find myself. If only the rest of the world operated in that state of grace.
RP
Imperfect does not = unsuccessful
That's why we love you too........You can put everything into words so nicely......Another great post.......
Hope to see you Saturday.
Donna
It's never too late—in fiction or in life—to revise. Nancy Thayer
You are such a thoughtful and thought-provoking man. I have been thinking a lot about this lately as well. Here's what I think it is: Being here with WLS friends is somewhat like holding up a physical and emotional mirror, and, for once, liking (and loving ... and appreciating) what you see. For me, it's helped me come to terms with the fact that there was SOOOO much good inside me and about me all along. It just took me seeing it in others who I likened to myself first before I could see it in myself.
This is why we love you, man!!!
(((HUGS)))
Tracy
