Shaking Life By The Gonads

 

I have been walking a lot lately and during my walks I have let my mind wander where it wants to go.  Sometimes I find myself pondering the damndest things.  Lately I have been feeling restless and unsettled and I have been trying to understand that.  I had thought that it was the stress of my mother-in-law’s drawn out demise in my own house or worries that I have about my friends, but whatever the root cause of this feeling is it is within me, not the result of external events, no matter how gut-wrenching those things are.

 

It is as though I want to vigorously shake my life by the gonads, shedding the limitations and boundaries that have contained me for so long.  I want to spend my days and hours meeting new people, doing different things, taking risks, writing from my heart, traveling, howling at the moon, dancing in the dark, cursing the mean, embracing the good and appreciating the beauty in others.  There are so many obvious problems with doing all of that at once…….my actions would reverberate through the lives of others with unintended consequences, my close relationships would suffer or cease to exist, my finances would collapse, and I might lose my mind entirely.

 

I won’t go back to my hunkered-down way of living and thinking and I know that taking a free fall in life isn’t the answer either, so I sit and wonder how to keep myself between the ditches.  One small comfort is that I at least have let go of some of my self-imposed limitations.  I am more than a little scared of this restlessness within me, but at the same time I know that I need to embrace it in some way.  Such are the vicissitudes of life after WLS.

 

RP

RP,

Ditto to everything you said.......my actions would reverberate through the lives of others with unintended consequences, my close relationships would suffer or cease to exist, my finances would collapse, and I might lose my mind entirely.

Were all here for OH support......In my journey I've had many downs lately, with help, I have come to realize I need to make my life and marriage my number 1......

I pray you can find peace.....And whatever it is your needing......

Kelly

 

Rick, Rick, Rick....  

There you go, using big frickin' words again.  NOW I have to go visit my friend Webster and look up "vicissitudes".  Damn you...

vi-cis-si-tude: 

1a.   A change or variation.  b.  The quality of being changeable; mutability.  

2.  One of the sudden or unexpected changs or shifts often encountered in one's life, activites, or surroundings.

Okay, now I get it.   I mean, I GET IT.   Especially the part about finances collapsing if I/we were to follow all these new post-WLS impulses, 'cuz I might actually take up SHOPPING if I could, and I KNOW I'd be taking a cruise somewhere tropical!

But ya know what?  More than 50% of the fun I have whenever I take the leap and buy a lottery ticket comes from DREAMING about what I would do IF....    I find myself allowing myself to do a lot of that dreaming post WLS - what would I do if I could?   It's at LEAST half the fun!  If I went ahead and DID some of the things I think about?   I'd probably end up disappointed, the reality could never live up to the fantasy or dream.   Not that I WOULDN'T book a nice, long cruise if I DID win the lottery, but I'm content to daydream about it. 

Baby steps.  They're WAY easier on the gonads.  For a dude, anyway... 

You are very right. Freedom from a heavy, bogged down body has given us freedom from a heavy bogged down mind. Our bodies are doing things we've never done before and our minds feel the lightness and joy the body feels and it wants to join along!

What an enlightened way to put that! I hear ya brotha... I've gone through the same thoughts as well and it's amazing how much one changes after this. I remember vividly stating to my husband at the time that WLS isn't goingto change me! I'll still be the same person inside... YEAH RIGHT! almost 19 months after my surgery, I'm more than half the woman I once was, have divorced, and moved myself and my 4 kiddo's accross country, and started a new life... I can safely say for the first time in my 33 years I am truly happy. Kuddo's to you for your own!

Excellent post Rick! I love it!

 UGH..how I understand so well.  I feel the same way, and am kind of doing a few of all of those things a bit at a time. But it sure is making huge waves here at home. Although my situation most likely very different than yours. : )
Where are you going??
You were just out last week?!!
Even little things as going out for lunch.
You are going dancing? Can't you ever stay home??
Getting a dirty look for buying high heel sandals

 But also, the things like you said..wanting to howl at the moon, dance all night long. It's hard not to want to do it all RIGHT NOW!

I find myself standing up for myself now..all the issues that have been bad at home for SOO long I seem to be more able to speak up. Plus, him seeing guys stare at me or actually come up and chat  makes  him very uncomfortable.   Lots of what if's in my life right now. I find this hard to post on a public forum, but I have lived so many years of my fat life unhappy...the rainbow that shines before me some days is very difficult to resist.

RP,

I hear you...boy do I hear you...and that is partially why I haven't been on here much the last 5 months or so....I was doing and experiencing and experimenting with a lot of those things my mind wanted to do with my new body. Unfortunately, some of my relationships suffered, my finances definately suffered, but more importantly - and saddest of all - I suffered (emotionally, physically, etc.) just because I wanted to do it all at once. 

It is hard not to do that, but with support from the people here (where I should have stayed instead of going off on my own) and support from your family and non-WLS friends, you can get through these feelings.

Sure - go ahead and try some of them...take your wife along - she probably needs some "fun" time as well after the "drawn out demise" of your mother-in-law. Do something new and exciting for the both of you - experience each other's dreams of something daring together. Who knows...not only will it satisfy some of your "cravings", it may also open up a whole new world for you and your wife!

LKJ

I am not nearly as elequint of a writer as you, and don't usually answer your posts but sit back nodding in agreement.

As I was told the other day how VAIN I am getting after my weight loss, I ponder how to wrap my head around everything I am going thru.   I am winning my battle and people and words will not bring me down. 

Thank you for just being you and sharing! 

My mom has said I've gotten vain. For someone who used to be afraid of the mirror to check themselves out in windows they're walking by, though, I think we have every RIGHT to be proud of our success. If we can like how we look - especially for those of us who *HATED* how we looked - more power to us. We've earned it.

Rick, get outta my brain! You seemed to have stolen everything that was in it. Well... most. I"m not sharing the rest

RP...this post is so moving....I am just in awe of your writing and the feelings you express so eloquently.

You really need to seriously think of writing a book or at least some articles for publication!!

You just say it all!!

Hugs....connie d