Duality Is A Wonderful, Awful Thing

This rising duality within me is a wonderful, awful thing.  I have lived much of my life within the bounds of the expectations of others with excellent results:  a loving wife, fantastic children, a good job, a nice home, the ability to pursue my hobbies and interests, favorite posessions, etc.  These are all truly wonderful things and everyone should be so lucky as I have been.  Yet in this emerging, restless, unsatisfied heart of mine now dwells a seed of compelling curiosity.  What do I really want out of the rest of my lfe and why is it important to me?  It would seem that I have a rather profound need to re-define and re-cast my life the way I want it to be instead of it being a collection of what other people want from or expect of me.  The tension between what is seemingly right and great about my life and the thought of what otherwise might be is awful.  I feel guilty for even being curious about what else there might be for me out there.

I find myself doing things that were never a part of who I was in the past.......I have become ambivalent about my career and secretly wish that I would lose my job so I would be free to do something else altogether without people judging me for leaving what appears to be a good job.......I let myself be drawn to women who interest me and I shudder at the real and imagined consequences of even going that far.....I think about selling the house and finding a way to become an RV nomad so I can explore the world.......I want to learn how to make cheese, of all things.......the idea of taking a month or more to hike Glacier National Park or part of the Appalachian Trail enthralls me......

I know it is part of being human to dream, but I also want to do.....and the doing of some of those things won't allow me to continue enjoying all of the great things that are now a part of my life.  So it comes down to choosing which paths to take while recognizing the irretrievable nature of making some of those choices.  Work with what you have to make it better and wonder if it will be enough or choose the excitement and awful terror of the unknown.  What exquisite torture.

RP 

Wow, I hear everyone goes through that stage after surgery. I refuse to let anything happen to the  relationship I have with my husband. His x-wife had the surgery and cheated on him multiple times and I could just never do that to such an amazing man. I decided to write down a list of all the things iv missed out on or haven't done or would like to do that wont effect my marriage for when i start to have those feelings.

Is there any way you could take a leave of absence from your job? Maybe you could take the wife and go do some of these things and enjoy them together. People and your relationships are whats important, possessions are not. I know if my husband said ok lets sell everything we got and live out of a RV traveling the world I would be thrilled! I am however only 23 and still have a lot of lifes lessons to learn :) I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you decide to follow! 

You are wise beyond your years.  Your hubby is a lucky man.

RP

       

I think I need a cigarette.

Seriously, Rick, you have an frightening talent for putting thoughts and feelings into words.

Would you just write a book already?  Then maybe you COULD quit your job and experience some of the things you dream of!  

I'm not even kidding.

Darla:

Why is it that just about every one of your responses makes me laugh and think a little harder at the same time?

RP

A lot of what you've written is so common for us - it's like we have a new lease on life after surgery.  It is great, and it is dangerous.  I think what helped me was to really decide the person I wanted to be.  Did I want to be a woman who cheated on her husband?  No, although I was flattered because suddenly men were interested in me after so many years of being invisible.  It may be ok to make some drastic changes in career and travel, but I suggest really exploring your ideas before making any changes.  Maybe it is time for you and your wife to travel the world.  Maybe it is time for a job change.  Since you are such a prolific writer here, I'd suggest keeping this dialog going here and in a personal journal.  Once some choices are made, there is no going back, and since this surgery experience has been so positive for you on many levels, it would be a shame to potentially do something that you'll regret.  I'll keep you in my prayers as you travel this strange road.

Renee:

I appreciate your advice and I think you make some very good points about how to prioritize a list of things I want to consider doing.  Thanks!

RP

RP,

I agree with Darla....Become a writer and then you can explore the world.....

That's the magic question? What path do we take........I know in my heart what is the right path.......Now I just need to figure out how to keep certain people in it without destroying what I have........

Can you take a few weeks off of work and go see Glacier? Maybe if you did some of the things you long to do you wouldn't feel so trapped.......

Kelly

Kelly:

You hit the nail on the head with the concept of feeling trapped....you have given me more to think about.

RP

Thank you all for both your encouragement and your feedback.  I have actually been considering writing a book about the emotional part of this mid-life WLS journey from a male perspective.  The working title in my head is:

Requiem For A Fat Man

What do you think?

RP